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EPISODE #1114 |
alternatively titled
Cara's Got Melons! Two of
'em! |
Heads is gonna bump. |
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Yep. Another week, another episode of The Real World.
The episode opened with the Chris and Keri running around the house like two psychos, and
Kyle jumping up and down on the bed. Either they were excited that it was their last day of lifeguarding, or
the geeks from Revenge Of The Nerds secretly entered the house and smeared Ben Gay in their underwear. The choice
is yours.
Cut to Keri, Kyle, and Chris on the beach. Keri was tooling around in a heinously ugly swimsuit that surely would have
left Joan Rivers clutching at her chest and gasping for breath if she saw it. Kyle was jealous that someone gave Chris
the middle finger, and said, "Nothing fun ever happens to me! I am stuck dealing with boring 6 year old girls!" Suddenly,
the members of NSYNC paddled ashore and screamed to Kyle, "Now you know how we feel, bitch!" The aroma of Baby Back Ribs
could be faintly smelled in the air as they swam away. What does it mean?
Meanwhile, the lifeguard rejects were planning a party for the kids at the recreation center. Suddenly, we heard
Cara's unmistakable voice screaming, "I've got melons!" Cut to Cara walking around the corner holding two huge watermelons,
strategically placed over her breasts. I was half expecting her to walk into an underground dance hall to see a sweaty Patrick
Swayze dirty dancing with 7 Latino women. Nobody puts Baby in a corner! (Note to the clueless: Dirty Dancing references. Note
to the even MORE clueless: Dirty Dancing is a MOVIE. If you've never heard of it, fling yourself off your roof now. There
is no hope for you.)
Cut to Kyle telling Keri that their new job is gonna "shake things up." What kind of lame terminology is this, you dork? It's
a new job, not a friggin' martini. Whoops. Sorry about my "major 'tude."
After the break, we were forced to watch 4 minutes of boring footage of the kids at the rec center trying to read blurbs about
the new mural off of index cards. What the hell, was this episode of Real World sponsored by Hooked On Phonics? If not,
it should have been. Listening to these 15 year olds trying to read the most basic sentences was more painful than watching
15 minutes of the movie "Bedazzled."
Cara and Aneesa kicked off the ceremony by singing "Power Of Two" by the Indigo Girls. Gee, I wonder who picked out that
song? The camera panned to a shot of an obviously grieving Melissa Etheridge weeping quietly in the corner,
monumentally bitter that the girls didn't choose to sing "Come To My Window" instead.
Theo stepped up to the podium and started rambling some boring crap into the microphone. What made this whole scene so
ridiculous was that they even set up a microphone to begin with. Do they think they're performing for 300,000 screaming
fans? I think not. If you listen closely, crickets could be heard chirping while Theo was talking. I swear I even heard
a pin drop. The camera panned across the room as Theo was talking, and revealed that the room contained 21 people, 11 crying
babies, 4 farm animals, 3 plants, 2 cockroaches, and a partridge in a pear tree.
The next night, or whenever, Kyle asked Chris if he could go with him to an AA meeting, to "learn about the
process." The process? What the hell does Kyle think they are doing at those meetings, mastering the fine
art of glass-blowing? In any event, Chris's eyes lit up, and he
looked more excited than the homeowners on Trading Spaces who just found out designer Doug Wilson was sick and wouldn't
be redecorating their house (ew, and what's with Hilde? Quit your day job, honey.) At the end of the night, Kyle said,
"I was gonna go clubbing tonight, but I'm glad I did this." That's right, Kyle. Cross "Pity A Recovering Alcoholic" off
of your "Things I Have To Do To Get Into Heaven" list. Now, just rescue a kitten from a tree and carry an old woman's
groceries across a busy intersection and you'll be in for good.
Back home, all of the roommates got a message sent to their WATCHES. I didn't know if I was watching the Real World, or
some long-lost episode of Knight Rider. I was half expecting Cara to scream into her watch, "Kitt, go to the store and
pick up condoms. Hurry!" The page alerted all the roommates to "meet tonight at 6 PM at the clocktower." The clocktower!
Hurry, if they're not there by 6 PM, they'll all be stuck in the year 1958 forever! Oh, wait. Wrong show.
Flash forward in time to 6 PM. The roommates arrive at the clocktower to find 7 pumpkins filled with candy. I'm thinking,
okay, what's their new job going to be? Educating children about the ill-effects of sugar on their precious teeth? Hey,
as boring as this season has been, I wouldn't put anything past B&M.
Turns out the roommates are going to be performers for the mayor's favorite holiday: Chicago-Ween. Get it? It's like
Halloween... with the word Chicago thrown in. But THAT is the best name they could come up with? Man, I'd hate to see what was left
on the cutting room floor. Seriously, I can just see the senile old townsmen sitting around a big table brainstorming
for that title:
Senile man #1: "How can we spice up the name of this spooky day!"
Senile man #2: "How about Chicag-Boo? Great!"
Senile man #3: "No, no. That's all wrong. Chi-GAG-o! Gag! Death! Perfect!"
Senile man #2: "Or Choke-ago!"
Senile man #1: "I've got it! Chicag-Oooooh-No-I-See-A-Scary-Witch!"
Kyle and Keri will be writing the scripts, Chris and Theo doing set design, Tonya and Aneesa will be in charge of
make-up. Cara wasn't assigned a job. Apparently, she will just wander aimlessly around the streets,
and will unknowingly be the most frightening skeleton the children of Chicago
have ever seen.
Turns out Theo didn't like the assignment. He enlightened us all when he said, "I'm not into Halloween. It's like
the devil's holiday or somethin'." Theo, you're a moron or somethin'. Keri ran into a phonebooth and came out dressed
like Agatha Christie, and started telling this story about a woman who cheats on her husband, and gets hanged as a
result. Theo looked more pissed off than I was after shelling out $10 to see We Were Soldiers, and started going
on and on about how he didn't like the "hanging" part because "his ancestors were hung." Theo said, "When you
think of being hung, you think of Africa."
First of all, if you're a pervert and you think about being hung, images
of horses and/or Ron Jeremy flood your brain. Second of all, if you're a non-pervert and think about being hung,
you probably think of witches in Salem. So what is Theo saying, that he's directly related to witches?
No way. So what's my point? I'm not sure I have one, but my roommate just asked me a frightening question:
"Jill, how would you know what perverts think about if you weren't a pervert?" Oh no! I'm a pervert! Somebody pass
me the number to Charlie Sheen's shrink!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. Stay tuned next week... where
the roommates react to September 11th.
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Kyle. His overly-fake "I'm so eager to learn about recovering alcoholics" attitude was revolting.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Cara: "I've got MELONS!" Yes, honey, I know. The entire male population knows. Get over it.
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