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EPISODE #1116 |
alternatively titled
Proof That Steroids and Lip Injections
Don't Mix |
Keri's Ooh So Very |
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Yep. Another week, another episode of The Real World.
The episode opened with Keri saying, "I hate blind dates. Nothing makes me feel more desperate, except for maybe that
time I agreed to sleep with Kyle's father to get my hands on one of Kyle's baby pictures."
Cara told the confessional, "I'm introducing Keri to every guy I know because I want her to get over Kyle." Who is Cara
kidding? There isn't enough time in the world for her to introduce Keri to all of the guys she knows! If she wants
Keri to get over Kyle this century, she better run to Lowe's to buy a friggin' step stool, and instruct
Keri to climb over him. Much more
effective, and far less time consuming. And think of all the STD's she'll be saving herself from.
Cut to a shot of Kyle staring at the TV monitor, ranking on Cara's date Jason and his friend Kyle who had just arrived
at the Real World house. Kyle ranking on Keri's date, eh? Yeah, real shocker there. Please, his actions were more
predictable than a Wayne Brady lyric on Whose Line Is It Anyway.
In Kyle's defense, Keri's date DID rate very high on the dweeb scale. His jeans were so tapered that I swore I heard
Garth Brooks yelling "YIPPIE!" all the way from his home in Tennessee. And he had more crow's feet on his face than in
a rejected bucket of KFC. Please. Walk to the store. Purchase some Oil of Olay. Say it's for your grandmother -- I don't care.
Just apply the size of a dime to your face and rub in a circular motion. Thank you.
Cara, Keri, and their dweeby dates went out to a restaurant, where Cara's date proceeded to pretend he was going to start
nibbling on a random
chihuahua. Thankfully, before he got to take his first bite, the chihuahua mustered up enough courage to mutter
the words, "Yo Quero
Cara Slutto!" Got that right, little buddy.
After the rivoting dinner, the dating foursome returned home. Once Keri got in the door, she ran to Kyle faster than Wylie Coyote
to an Acme outlet store. She sat on the couch next to Kyle, leaving Tapered Leg to sit on the chair alone and gasp at the
realization that he just got dissed on national TV.
Cut to Aneesa getting ready to go out with Danielle. Unfortunately, she started singing: "I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm..
gonna... come!" Just then, Britney Spears cut in and said, "Hey! Cut that out. Don't you know *I* am the only whore
allowed to sing on MTV?" She then mysteriously shimmied away, muttering something about Tonya's breast implants and the
sequined Elvis outfit she wore on HBO.
Danielle, or should I say Michelle Ndegeocello's stunt double, arrived and the two were on their way. While in the
elevator, Aneesa screamed, "We're going down!" Yeah, you and the inflatable Snoopy at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Keep it to yourself, toots.
After the commercial, we were graced with a shot of Aneesa piling up 92 layers of toilet paper on the toilet seat. Hmm, I guess
Kyle was trying to pee with his eyes closed again. Anyway, she told Cara that she left the keys to the car/house on top of
her friend's car while she got out to pee in the woods, and forgot to grab them before driving away. Seriously, that's more idiotic
than Kevin Costner signing on to star in Water World 2. Yes, Alex, I'll take "Drunk Fools" for $400, please!
Obviously, all of the roommates were pissed off and demanded that she pay to have the locks changed in the real world house.
Cut to a shot of Aneesa flipping through the yellow pages. Turns out she wasn't trying to find a locksmith, but was instead
looking for a reputable plastic surgeon capable of fixing her obnoxious lazy eye.
Aneesa ran to the phone to call her mother faster than Alyssa Milano to a wig shop after seeing a mirror for the first time
since her last haircut. Eek, those tragic bangs! Anyway, Aneesa proceeded to ask her mother for advice, while trimming her nails
with a scary set of nail clippers that looked like they were meant to be used on a Brontosaurus.
Since Aneesa's mother was no help, she ran crying and screaming to her brother. Since he worked at a VW dealership, he said he
could have a new car key mailed out to her within 24 hours, and for a fraction of the price she was quoted by other people in
Chicago. She screamed, "Tomorrow is not good enough!" Just then, the Goo Goo dolls appeared, blew up a really big Black
Balloon, tied her to it, and cheered as she floated up, up, and away. Or was that just another one of those pesky real world
fantasies?
In one of the most obnoxious scenes of the night, Kyle received a voicemail from precious Nicole. All we heard was
some unknown voice(s) screaming the last 2 lines to The Star Spangled Banner, followed by Nicole saying, "I'm in downtown
NY and it is overwhelming. Bye!" Kyle proceeded to listen to the message 9 more times as he wiped a nonexistent tear from his
left eye for dramatic effect. So either Kyle was moved by her message, or he suddenly became emotional thinking
about all the midnight wedgie raids he and his frat buddies at Princeton used to do to the new pledges.
Cut to Kyle talking to Keri. In a nutshell, the two were arguing about who was to blame for their flirtations. There was
more fingerpointing going on than Bill Clinton at a Dunkin' Donuts. Ultimately it ended with Keri saying that everything
was "over." Yeah. And I am wildly attracted to Hugh Downs. Please, morph into a Kit Kat and Gimme a Break.
While the two were arguing, I couldn't help but notice how tragically Keri's room was decorated. Plaid bed pillows mismatched
with striped linens and a 70's colored comforter? Seriously, it looks like MTV "Traded Spaces" with the friggin' Brady
Bunch. Somebody get Vern Yip in there, and pronto.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. Stay tuned next week... where, uh,
nothing happens.
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Aneesa. Her, uh, subtle attempts to be, umm, sexual were revolting, as was her ungrateful attitude towards her
brother for shipping her drunk ass out a new car key.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Aneesa: "I'm spoiled. I'm used to getting whatever I want." Yeah? Ask for a new eye and a slimmer ass. See if you
get them.
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