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EPISODE #1117 |
alternatively titled
And
You Thought Subway's JARED Was A Dweeb?! |
Kyle's a nose picker? |
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Yep. Another week, another episode of The Real World. In the preview for this episode, Cara stated, "Of course I still
think of Jared romantically!" This coming from a girl who thinks of her deli meat romantically?
Like we're supposed to be shocked or something?
The episode opened with Cara and Kyle in a restaurant talking about Jared, Cara's ex-boyfriend. Cara said, "If Jared
asked me to marry him, I'd say yes." Suddenly and without warning, Dr. Evil appeared on camera, screamed "R-i-i-i-ght,"
and mysteriously disappeared. Mini-Me stayed behind and proceeded to snack on a hot pocket.
As Cara was whining on and on about her excitement over seeing Jared,
Kyle interjected that Cara "missed her favorite flavor." What the hell is he, a friggin' scoop of Baskin Robbins ice cream?
Kyle seriously needs to put the YM magazine down. Let it go, buddy.
Somehow the dinner conversation switched to Cara's desire for stardom. She said, "Ideally, I want to move to California
and audition for sitcoms." Somewhere in America, Jerry Seinfeld laughed so hard at the premise of Cara on a sitcom
that he fell off of his couch and hit his
head on his Superman coffee table. And now that I think of it,
I haven't seen Cara on any sitcoms, have you? Aww, what happened, Cara! Flashing your ass for
Stuff magazine didn't land you that gig on Will & Grace, eh?
Kyle suggested that the roommates take a trip to Saint Louis, and Cara was more excited than an Iron Chef while perusing
the produce section of a Super
Stop & Shop. And thus, the theme for today's episode was born.
Cut to the house, where the roommates were packing for Saint Louis. Aneesa was conducting a verbal checklist while
packing: "Bathrobe, check. Money, check. Eye patch in case eye acts up again, check." Chris couldn't go because his grandmother
died. And Tonya decided not to go, because she had to stay home and work to make money to pay off her medical bills. Whatever. Loser.
She told Cara, "Just make sure you miss me!" Cara popped an anti-depressant, chased it down with a swig of Slim-Fast, told
Tonya she'd miss her, and ran out of the door faster than a disgruntled housewife to the frozen meats aisle on an episode
of Supermarket Sweep.
Next came one of the funniest scenes of the entire season. The roommates weren't out of the house for 5 seconds before
she was on the phone with Justin talking shit about the roommates.
Meanwhile, the roommates weren't in the car for 5 seconds before they started
talking shit about Tonya. Man, I haven't seen this much hatred on TV since that time Marsha beat Jan in the
cheerleading competition on the Brady Bunch. Ooh, my nose!
In the car, Theo started randomly screaming, "Tonya has fake boobies, I's likes real boobies!" That's right, file
that under "D" for "Don't give a shit." The roommates then proceeded to rank on Tonya for 5 minutes, until Kyle rode
up on his white horse, saying, "You know guys, it is lame we are having this conversation when she is home alone."
Sounds slightly noble, right?
Wrong. MTV cleverly cut to a scene of Tonya on the phone, saying, "Kyle is a dumb jock, he has his finger up his nose
24/7, he is a disgusting nosepicker!" After hearing Tonya say that, at precisely 10:11 EST, Kyle won a place in the
Guiness Book of World Records for screaming the word "CUNT!" louder than anyone else in the free world.
Tonya went on to flame the rest of the roommates, saying that Keri was a stuck up spoiled bitch, and that Cara was
"screwed up" and that she "slept with 8, 9, 10 people" since they were in Chicago. So what have we learned? That Cara
is a slut of the most magnificent proportions, and that Tonya knows how to count to ten. One of those things
surprises me. Just for fun, I'll let you guess which one.
The roommates arrived at the Waldorf Astoria, uhh, I mean Cara's House, and met up with her mom Rhoda. When Jared
arrived, Kyle gave his immediate reaction: "Jared is very polite, intelligent, and outspoken. Dig his
facial hair. I want to turn into Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Junior" and father his lovechild."
While watching everyone feast on enough meat and bread to feed Cameryn Manheim for at least a week,
I wasn't sure if I was tuned into the Real World or Jesus's Last Supper. The next scene cleared things up for me:
While in the bedroom, Cara randomly broke out into ANOTHER chorus of "Ghost" by the Indigo Girls. Aneesa
joined in, of course. Man, isn't once a season enough?? And for the love of all that is good and
holy, can't you learn to bastardize another song already? It's getting older than Dick Clark.
JARED: DORK, or NOT A DORK?
Changing gears a little bit, I knew I thought Jared rated high on the dork scale, but I couldn't figure out exactly why. Once again, I had an
epiphany during the next scene. As Cara stood on the sidelines watching Jared and his buddies playing football, you
couldn't help but notice the anagram on Jared's shirt: ZBT (note to Alicia Silverstone and the
rest of the clueless: ZBT is a fraternity.) I'll go on record as saying that all the ZBT's I know actually make Screech from
Saved By The Bell look cool. Furthermore, Jared proved he was a dork when he flexed his, uh, arm muscle while
walking home with Cara. Suddenly and without warning, Popeye appeared on screen, threw Jared a can of spinach,
and mysteriously disappeared. And thus, the mystery of Jared's dorkiness has been unraveled. And now, we continue with
your regularly scheduled review.
Later that day, Cara told the confessional, "My family thinks I'm talented and they want me to pursue a career in
performance." Yes, this scene definitely called for a Pophangover Safety Warning for all of you West Coast viewers.
Before this scene:
1. Remove food from mouth.
2. Laugh hysterically (Hell, snort a few times, I don't care.)
3. Continue eating as usual.
Cara then went on to say, "All I want to do is move to LA. I love LA and feel that if I get out there I'll do it." She
didn't say WHAT exactly she'll do, but knowing Cara, my mind is already
focusing in on a very disturbing and frightening mental
picture. It involves lingerie, testosterone, a potted plant, an exercise bike, and a can of Spam. The horror!
WE NOW INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED REVIEW TO BRING YOU
THIS BREAKING NEWS:
Kyle took his finger out of his nose long enough to chomp on 6 bites of spaghetti while at dinner with Cara's
family. We now bring you back to your
regularly scheduled review.
After dinner, Cara walked with Jared back to his dorm room. In a confessional somewhere, Kyle morphed into Miss Cleo and
psychically knew that's where the two were going. He said, "Cara is going back to this dorm room where she has lots
of memories." Ah, sweet memories. I bet she can still vividly feel her head banging against the headboard and the skunky
smell of spilled Natty Light mingling with testosterone on the sofa.
Jared set out to prove to the world that he indeed was a dorkus magnificus. He told Cara, "I had no reason for living after
you! You weren't there for me! Wah wah!" Just when I was expecting him to make a mad dash for his "blankie" and pacifier, Cara
interrupted by saying, "It's not that you're not good enough for me. It's just that underneath my 53 pounds of flesh is a
932 ton whore just waiting to be unleashed. Please understand."
The next morning, the cast packed and got ready to go back home. Theo said, "Jared could slide in to live with us and we could
kick Tonya out." This randomly made me wonder, did Aneesa take a crap with the bathroom door wide open while at Cara's house?
Couldn't you just see the look on good 'ol Rhonda's face while innocently walking into the bathroom to pop an antidepressant
or a Diet Fuel or to slather on some Alpha Hydroxy or something? But I digress...
Cara walked Jared outside, where the two proceeded to hug and kiss and rub for about 5 minutes. I'm going to take the
liberty of a non-humor moment here by saying, WHAT THE FUCK? Granted, Jared is a loser, but why lead him on? You broke his
little ZBT heart 4 months ago, cast upon him a pain so great that neither kegstands nor circle jerks could heal. Hug him
goodbye. Jesus, Cara, you make me sick. Oh, and a note to MTV's perverted camera man: back up the shot, buddy.
I don't need to see the spit connected between their infested mouths. Thank you.
Jared got in the car and drove away slower than that Darren's Dance Grooves loser
instructs our nation's teenyboppers how to perform the dance to NSYNC's "Ain't - No - Lie ... Bye - Bye - Bye."
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. Stay tuned next week... where Tonya
threatens to go back to Walla Walla, and Theo may kick Justin's ass.
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Cara. Her pathetic behavior with Jared was disturbing. She HAD to move to Chicago, because she obviously already
nailed all the available men in Saint Louis.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Cara: "All I want to do is move to LA and audition for sitcoms." Sure, why not? She already has the anorexia,
eating disorders, and the willingness to screw bald old men to get ahead. She's sure to be a huge hit in LA!
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