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EPISODE #1119 |
alternatively titled
Kyle and Wood and Tents -- Oh My! |
Tonya sucks. |
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Yep. Another week, another episode of The Real World. No review for last week's show as I just saw the episode, but I will
say I now have an even deeper hatred for Tonya. End of story.
This week's episode opened with some rivoting footage of Tonya walking
around the empty Chicago house, making the bed and brushing her teeth. She took a break to sip out of the mug given to her
as a gift by Darren last time she went down on him; then said, "I don't think the roommates understand me!" She then picked
up a plant, which wilted and died in her hands faster than Bob Vila could build a spiral staircase.
Meanwhile, back in Boston, the roommates went to a costume shop to get ideas for their upcoming Halloween show. Cara said,
"We're going to Boston Costume to pick out COSTUMES." No shit! Thank God she clarified that, because for a very brief
moment, I thought they were going to Boston Costume to pick up a honeydew melon and some pork tenderloins for dinner.
Next came some ridiculous footage of the roommates walking through "Spooky World." Once again, Cara's brilliance shone through
in a rare moment of sheer genius when she said, "Spooky world is a world of spooks!" Good Lord. Someone rode the short bus to
school, eh? Anyway, the scene was boring. A bunch of clowns jumped out and attacked the roommates as they walked by. One turned
to Cara and said, "I want some finger sandwiches!" Cara immediately said, "Sandwiches? I ate one a few minutes ago... which
reminds me, where is the bathroom here in Spooky World?"
Cut to the roommates randomly floating around on a boat somewhere in Maine. Suddenly and without warning, Celine Dion appeared
onboard, and started beating her fist against her chest while belting out the chorus of "My Heart Will Go On." When Celine
finally realized she wasn't onboard the Titanic, she looked more embarrassed than Martha Stewart the time her cameras
caught her getting a splinter while sitting on her new cherrywood-stemmed toilet seat. Oh Celine, don't you have an 80-year old man to
sleep with or something? Run along now.
Oh my God. Kelly Osbourne has a Rubik's Cube dangling from her ear in the Papa Don't Preach video. Sorry. Had to share.
After the break, the roommates returned back to their home in Chicago. Tonya was excited to see them, and ran to the elevator
to greet them faster than Angelina Jolie and her freakazoid husband could adopt another Cambodian baby. Cara said, "Tonya was so
effervescent and happy to see us!" Effervescent? What the hell is she, your roommate or a refreshing glass of champagne? Get a
clue.
In the confessional, Tonya revealed, "I am glad they are home. I was getting a little tired of talking to the fish." Yeah, believe
me honey, the fish were getting a little tired of it too. I could hear the fish complaining from here: "Oh just flush me down
the toilet already! I'd rather DIE than listen to Tonya talk about the corns on her feet for one... more... second..."
Next, the roommates were hanging around the house practicing their halloween show. Keri was reading the script while Theo was
doing the "crabwalk" on the floor. I didn't know if I was watching The Real World, or if I was having some horrible flashbacks
to the time I got trampled by Luke Belfonte while competing in the crabwalk next to him during Field Day in 5th grade. He was
huge! I was not! It was frightening. But I digress...
...Cara just sat there on the couch barking orders at people. "Do it again! Stand this way! Grab his ass! Now get over here and
grab mine!" All of this proved to be way too much pressure for Tonya, who broke down faster than an '84 Chevette. She said,
"In this situation, I feel like I have less to offer than
anyone else!" Oh, Tonya. Don't be silly. What do you mean "in THIS situation?"
((Quick scene of Chris and Tonya randomly eating an artichoke in the middle of the night. Sorry. I just thought that was funny.))
Funniest scene of the night:
Kyle, Keri, and Cara were lying around talking. Kyle said, "Tonya has had enough urinary tract infections to last a lifetime!" Keri
and Cara were giggling like two 11 year olds while discussing the proportions of Justin Timberlake's package. Cara then said,
"Have you seen her breasts lately? They're huge saline and tan!" Tonya must have had her Miracle Ear cranked up a
notch, because while she was brushing her teeth, she heard the threesome talking about her.
Tonya remained calm and collected. She simply shrugged it off and told the cameras, "Every woman I live with is very jealous
of me." May I be the first to say (and very loudly, mind you)... HAAAAAHAAAA! Jealous? Of what, her new stylish bangs? Her
winning personality? Her huge Helen Hunt-esque forehead? You know, forget it. I can't hide it anymore. Every night before I
go to sleep, I pray to God that when I wake up, he'll let me be Tonya. HAAAAAAA! Oh, man. I've gotta collect myself. I can't
help it! It's just that that could
be the most pathetic thing I've ever heard; well, aside from that time I caught a snipet of John Tesh's new album on Entertainment
Tonight, but that's an entirely different story.
The next day at work, the roommates gave a presentation on their show to a panel of unknown, stone-faced people. The whole
thing was boring and unremarkable, except for one comment made by Aneesa: "I've got great ideas for make-up; vampires with a
pale white face!" Ooooh! How innovative, new, and fresh! Good grief. What's next, Aneesa? Are you going to suggest that the ghosts in the
show wear white sheets?
Next, the roommates went to see the tent that they will be performing in. This tent that we've been hearing so much about ended up
being smaller than Bob Saget's fan base. Tinier than Kyle's penis. Littler than the amount of brainpower in Pam Anderson's skull.
You get the idea. Kyle walked around the hay-laden tent for a moment and then said (please, have your barf bags open and ready
to be used), "I've pitched bigger tents than this with my morning wood."
Breathe. In. Out. Lock your doors. Hide your children. Fight the urge to projectile vomit. You can do it. Be strong.
Now, let's take a closer look at that comment, shall we? "Pitched bigger tents than this with my morning wood." Frankly, no one
in the known universe gives even the remotest of shits about your morning wood. And seriously,
we've all seen your, uh, "wood"... and that thing couldn't even pitch a tent big enough
to comfortably house an Oompa Loompa.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. Stay tuned next week... for another
craptacular Real World Chicago.
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Tonya. Lying, whining, obnoxious wench. I'd tell you to crawl back into your mother's womb, but something tells me
even SHE'S sick of your shit.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
This SHOULD go to Kyle, but I'm giving it to Tonya just because I hate her: "Cara looks up to me and puts me up on a
pedestal!" Open mouths. Laugh. Close mouths.
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