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EPISODE #1120 |
alternatively titled
Kyle. Ego. Nauseating. |
So lame it hurts. |
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Yep. Another week, another episode of The Real World. And may I ask - how many more episodes of this assfest do we have left?
I'm starting to go mental. Why just last night I created a house on The Sims, modeled after the Chicago roommates. And I
am quite happy to report I starved Cara to death, I drowned Tonya in the pool, and I refused to let Kyle use the bathroom...
forcing him to repeatedly piss himself. Far more entertaining than watching the show, I'll tell ya!
And now, on with the review.
This week's episode opened with some rivoting footage of flooded streets. That could only mean one thing:
looks like Cameryn Manheim was participating in Chicago's celebrity cannonball event for charity again.
Meanwhile, the roommates were staying dry inside the house and practicing their skits for Chicagoween. Kyle said, "Cara's been working
her ass off and bending over backwards." Oh yeah, like that's a new position for her. Let me guess, she's also been
working hard 69'ing it and doggystylin' it for the group too, eh?
Cut to a quick shot of Kyle in the confessional, wearing a grey sweater and a ridiculous looking expression. The sweater was new.
And may I ask what the hell was with that nasty beard that made him look exactly like Brian Austin Green? I couldn't tell if I was
watching The Real World, or some long lost episode of 90210. You know, I could have sworn I heard him ask Cara to join
him at the Peach Pit for a burger...
Next up was a shot of Kyle and Cara in a cab. Now I don't know what is going on between these two, but I will say that Kyle
was so far up Cara's ass that I'm quite sure he could accurately describe the shape of her pyloric sphincter.
WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS REVIEW FOR AN IMPORTANT LESSON IN MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY:
Pyloric Sphincter: a hard ring of smooth muscle which creates
a boundary between the stomach and the small intestine.
AND NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED REVIEW.
Cut to Keri in the confessional where she said, "I think it's an unwritten rule that friends shouldn't date their friend's ex-boyfriends." As is
to be expected, I have a few problems with this comment. First of all, I thought
it was, "Friends shouldn't let friends drive drunk?" Second, who the hell is she, Ann Landers? Oh shut up and go finish working on
your book, 101 Mean Words That Rhyme With Kyle; subtitled Vile, Bile, Shitpile. And third, call me silly, but don't
you usually have to, oh I don't know, DATE someone before they can be considered your Ex-Boyfriend? I hardly think a game of
"footsie" constitutes a relationship. I rest my case.
Cut to Kyle in the confessional yet again, where he smugly declared, "Cara and Keri are both
attracted to me!" Suddenly and without warning, Nell Carter ran on set, screamed "Gimme A Break!", laughed a little bit, and mysteriously
disappeared. Seriously, comments like that one make me want to hunt Kyle out, tie him to a bed, and force him to watch current video
footage of David Hasselhoff, just to show him what losers with big egos and no talent turn into... because frankly, that comment was harder
for me to swallow down than an oversized Milk Dud.
Next came all the "drama" regarding which skits would be performed at ChicagoWeen. Cara decided that the group shouldn't perform
Keri's skit (originally titled Bloody Mary), because they didn't rehearse it enough. Finally, Cara grew the balls to tell Keri, "What
would you think of us cutting Bloody Mary and doing The Cough twice?" The Cough? What the hell are they performing, a spooky and
haunting rendition of Kyle's recent bout with bronchitis? Sounds dumb, if you ask me.
Cut to Kyle in the confessional. Yes. Again. This time, he said, "I'm concerned that Keri is listening to me as I'm speaking
these words." Oh yes, Kyle, we forgot. The whole fucking world revolves around you. Apparently in the Real World house, the world
DOES revolve around Kyle, because Keri WAS listening. And just like that, Keri ran in to join Kyle in the confessional faster than
Eminem could write a lyric making fun of a boyband. Quicker than Jean Claude Van Damme could marry and then divorce
another model. More rapidly than my finger to the mute button every time the commercial with the singing Oscar Meyer brats
comes on. You get the idea.
So here we are. Keri sitting on Kyle's lap, as scary psycho music is playing in the background. Kyle was mouthing the words,
"I can't stand this!" while pretending to shoot himself in the head with his finger. So let me try to make sense of all this
for you: either Kyle was pissed off because the footlong hotdog he ate for lunch only measured eleven inches, or he was
pissed Keri was in the room with him... not that you'd know that from his behavior, since he continued to dance around
her like a brace-faced teen in the front row at an O-Town concert, giving her no indication he was unhappy with her being
here. And that, my friends, is reason #352 why Kyle is a first rate, grade-A prick.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not exactly a fan of Keri's, either. Please tell me you all witnessed the heinous shiny jeans she
was sporting as she left the confessional? Who the fuck wears shiny jeans??
WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS REVIEW FOR AN IMPORTANT NEWS UPDATE:
We are saddened to report that Joan Rivers died in her home tonight while
watching an episode of The Real World Chicago. The earliest reports revealed that after seeing a pair of shiny jeans on television,
Rivers clutched her hand to her chest, called someone named "Keri" on the phone, mumbled "CAN WE TALK?", and then collapsed. Rivers
was 183 years old. More news as
it becomes available.
AND NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED REVIEW.
Next came the big "fight" scene of the night. Tonya randomly started screaming at Cara, saying stuff like, "You don't have
the balls to tell Keri you don't want to do her skit! You talked about her behind her back!" Tonya ended her mental rant by
saying, "That's the truth, Keri... Cara!"
And what quip would any quick-witted Real Worlder spew at someone who screamed in their face for 5 minutes, and then
dared to call them by the wrong name? Why, that's right!
Cara responded, "Get my fucking name right!" Oooh, how traumatic! I'm so sure Tonya was left shaking in her boots.
In any event, the whole argument was more lame than my grandmother's right knee. Cara just stood there, looking
more upset than the Jolly Green Giant the day little Timmy told him his peas tasted like shit, before finally pushing the "down"
button on the elevator.
In one of Theo's rare moments of camera time, he revealed, "Chris and I did our design
jobs to the fullest. The clock and backdrop are off
the hoo-ook!" Please, do shut up. It's a set, not a friggin' telephone handset. Kindly turn your stove's burner to "low" and
simmer down now.
Finally it was ChicagoWeen showtime. Kyle said, "Tonight is opening night, or gameday as I like to call it!" Or, "Assholes
make assholes out of themselves night" as I like to call it. Cut to Kyle backstage, donning a red mask and screaming, "Game
day, baby!" Oh my god, put a friggin' oversized four-pronged fork in it, you wanna-be Dick Vitale loser. (Gee, do I seem
angry? Nah.)
Cut to a shot of Aneesa, who was sporting "spooky" grim reaper make-up and a pair of stylish eyeglasses. Sort of takes away
the scariness, doesn't it? You'd think the grim reaper would have 20/20 vision. My point? I don't have one. Bygones.
The group performed "The Midnight Ghost" for a gaggle of toddlers who were more interested in their pacifiers and when they'd
be getting their next helping of dry Cheerios and Zwieback cookies than watching the performance. I found the group's
performance of "The Cough" to be quite moving; Chris was sitting at a table coughing like a man who desperately needed someone
to pass him a Leuden's, as Kyle portrayed an abusive father by slamming his fist into the table. The children in the
audience were laughing. I was laughing. My roommates were laughing. Hey, it was a great time for all involved.
Theo said, "See, as long as the kids are enjoying themselves, I get enjoyment out of that." Hey Theo, the little boy
in the corner just picked his nose and wiped it on you. Yeah, he sure does look like he really enjoyed it! How about you?
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. Stay tuned next week... for another
craptacular Real World Chicago.
Need a little more entertainment? Check out the all-new teasers for Date or Disaster!
Available in both Quicktime and Windows Media format.
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Kyle. And to think I used to think he was semi-attractive? What an egotistical prick.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Kyle. "Everyone in the free universe wants to see me naked." I wish I could hire Medusa, pay her $40, and force her
to beam her little eyes at Kyle. Am I a bad person?
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