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EPISODE #1121 |
alternatively titled
Tonya Gets Her Bills Paid? SNACK ON MY ASS! |
Latonia vs Danielle. |
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Yep. Another week, another episode of The Real World.
The episode opened with some very boring footage of Aneesa on the phone with her mother. Aneesa said, "Mom, I don't understand
about dad!" See, Aneesa, it's really quite simple. 22 years ago, your Mommy and Daddy drank too much wine while listening to
Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On." Ah yes indeed, you are living proof that accidents do happen. Well, you and the whole O-ring
fiasco with the space shuttle Challenger... but I digress.
Next, Aneesa ran to Chris to get a little advice. Chris said, "When I told my mother I was gay, she told me I had to talk to
the family priest." Oh, yeah, genius idea, Mrs. B! Send your young gay son straight into the arms of a Catholic priest! What
are you, an idiot? Chris
continued to say, "My mother thought I could be fixed." Fixed? What the hell is he, a broken furnace or a pre-neutered doberman?
Shortly thereafter, Keri ran into the room wielding a wrench and screaming, "Did I hear something needed to be fixed? Because I
can fix a flat tire, you know..."
What was interesting about this scene was the cardboard sign on the floor in the living room that read, "REAL WORLD ROCKS!"
Please. You know you're lame when you're doodling signs bragging about the greatness of a show that you are currently on.
What a waste of a great piece of cardboard.
Cut to Tonya rifling through medical bills, moaning and groaning like someone who just sat through the entirety of Miss
Congeniality. She said, "Most people have credit card debt because they shop too much!" Yeah? And guess what else? Most
people have friends, because they're not lying, conniving bags of ass.
Next, Aneesa was hanging out in her girlfriend Danielle's bedroom. Danielle grabbed her camcorder, started filming Aneesa, and
said, "Look, Aneesa! Video!" D'oh! Is that what that was? And to think I thought it was equipment that would momentarily be
used to give Aneesa an anal probe. Thank God she clarified.
Danielle sure was a classy little number, wasn't she? She zoomed the camcorder in on Aneesa's snatch and asked, "What color
are your panties?" I'm not sure what was more disgusting; the close-up of Aneesa's crotch or the use of the word "panty." Good
Lord, I hate that word. Anyway, Danielle kept the camera on Aneesa's crotch and began sweating more than Whitney Houston
while performing at the Grammys. Danielle said, "Girl, you gotta get me aroused and stuff!" Open barf bag. Barf. Discard
barf bag. And proceed.
Aneesa didn't know how to act, so she just sat on the bed looking more upset than Cindy Crawford was the day she realized
she couldn't spell "REVLON." (And speaking of Crawford, now there's talk of sending HER into outer space with Russian
cosmonauts? WTF? Hey, if it means that Fair Game 2 will never be made, I'm all for leaving her ass up there.) Danielle
then took off her shirt, revealing that she had more tattoos than all of the Hell's Angels on the entire east coast. So,
so attractive! (cough, sarcasm, cough).
Cut to Aneesa hanging out with some other random girl named LaTonia. And may I take this moment to say... ew? Uh,
LaTonia honey, Eric Stoltz just called. He says he wants his MASK back.
Cut to Kyle in the confessional, with the Brian Austin Green beard and same grey sweater, saying, "I met LaTonia
and I'm thinking, I'm going to be meeting someone else in 2 weeks. What do I care about you?" Jennie Garth randomly appeared
in the confessional with Kyle, wrinkled her nose a little bit, ate a carrot stick, and then mysteriously disappeared.
Next, Tonya ran to the phone to call Darren to beg for more money to pay for her upcoming surgery. She said, "Darren's
a photographer that I've worked with since high school." Sniff, sniff, do I smell someone selling themselves out to the
porn industry? It's either that, or John Goodman used my bathroom without asking again. Anyway, Tonya continued by saying,
"Darren's into computers; I'm probably the only social contact he has." Oh, that's so nice of you. Publicly humiliate and lie
to the person shelling out thousands of dollars to bail your ass out of trouble? Please, someone cast this bitch as
Sylvester Stallone's opponent in Rocky 6. She needs a good beat-down.
Darren sighed, and gave into Tonya's cry for money faster than Jeff Probst to a pair of Gap Khakis. He said, "Fine, I'll put
it on my credit card." And in one of the most revolting scenes of the night, Tonya proceeded to lie back on the chair and stretch
her arms out over her head while letting out a moan that seemed to say, "Ha ha, stupid mortals, so easily manipulated by
my charm and beauty!" It was at this moment that I desperately wished a large piano would fall out of the sky and land on
her skull. Is that wrong?
Cut to Aneesa taking Tonya to the hospital. Aneesa was wearing the most heinous shade of green eye shadow my eyes have ever
seen. Please, honey. You're
going to scare small children, and perhaps even a farm animal or two.
Unless you're on stage portraying a munchkin in The Wizard of Oz, get that crap off your eyelids. Meanwhile, Tonya
sat nervously in the back seat of the van, shaking more than a belly dancer with Parkinson's. Do I feel bad for her? No.
Do I feel bad that I don't feel bad for her? No. Did that make much sense? No.
After the commercial, Aneesa went out to a club with LaTonia. Who did the two see out at the club? Danielle. As soon as
Aneesa saw Danielle, she blew off LaTonia faster than Santa could sue the Jolly Green Giant the first time he heard him sing,
"Ho Ho Ho, Green Giant!" Danielle was wearing huge purple sunglasses that on the hideous scale of 1-10 made her look like a 37.
Honey, you're not Mary J Blige. And you're inside. Kindly get those friggin' things off your face.
I'll tell you, I was feeling ill while watching the camera pan back and forth between Danielle and LaTonia in that bar.
Seriously, the two of them
could easily have their own musical on Broadway; not Beauty and the Beast, but Beast and the Beastier. Who is
Beastier? Discuss amongst yourselves.
In the final scene of the night, we heard a series of loud screams that made my three dogs go absolutely ape-shit, while
the camera focused on the outside of the Real World house. My immediate guesses as to the source of the screams?
1) Aneesa took a shit. In the middle of the living room.
2) One of the fish told Cara she looked fat.
3) Tonya passed a kidney stone the size of an NSYNC fan.
4) Tommy Lee stopped by and pulled down his pants.
or 5) Keri told Kyle that 2 inches is not the average size of a male's penis.
Turns out it was none of the above. In actuality, Tonya received a letter stating that her application for financial
assistance had been approved. Translation? ALL of her medical bills are being paid. And I have just one thing to say about
that: Why, it's more fucked up than Charlie Sheen on his birthday. More
unsettling than a room designed by Hilde on Trading Spaces. More ridiculous than Carrot Top's career. People in the "real" world
have to wait months and months to receive 5% off their medical bills, and this lying bitch gets $20,000+ free and clear?
And, AND, why did Tonya make a public plea begging for money to help her pay for medical bills on MTV's website if all of her
bills were paid and she is now healthy?
Hey Milton Bradley, or Tyco, or whoever: I have a great idea for some new products: A dartboard with Tonya's face on it. A punching
bag with bad bangs and fake breasts. A new "Operation" game where you wouldn't actually HEAL the patient Tonya, but make her
suffer by forgetting to administer the proper amount of anesthesia. Those suckers would sell like hotcakes.
Anyway, of course Tonya ran to the phone to call queen Justin. He excitedly
screamed, "Owhh, mi, gawd!" into the phone, sounding more like Christopher Lowell the day Tom Cruise said he had a nice
ass than anything else. Psst, Justin, I hear the Village People are looking for a new Indian. Run. Don't walk.
Finally, Tonya said to Justin, "See? Good things DO happen to good people!" Suddenly, a humongous piano fell out of the sky
and landed on her head. Ah, better late then never.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. Stay tuned next week... Kyle will
be sporting more make-up than all of the Rockette's combined!
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Tonya. Liar. Pathetic. Fake. Bitch. Backstabber. I could go on. Conniver. Selfish. Did I mention LIAR?
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Tonya. Two comments this week. "I'm the only social contact he has!" Oh, get off your horse honey. Blow yourself. "Good
things do happen to good people!" Yeah? Then why the fuck is it happening to you?
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