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EPISODE #1123 |
alternatively titled
Buh-Bye. See ya. Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya. |
THE END! |
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Congratulations to the handful of you who have managed to sit through all 690 minutes of The Real World this season! Now, if
you need some help finding a good shrink, I'd be more than happy to help you out in that arena.
As far as the finale, nothing really happened.
But then again, does it ever? There was music. Lots of music. In fact, this episode was filled with
enough top 40 hits to keep Rick Dees in orgasmic bliss the whole time it aired. There was barely any talking.
Yes indeedy, MTV could have secretly replaced Theo with Charlie Chaplin and I don't think anyone would have even
noticed.
The episode opened with some quick shots of the roommates cleaning out their drawers. Tonya said, "It's time to go. We did
our bonding together." Sweetheart, neither you nor your roommates are containers of extra-strength Elmer's glue. In fact,
now that I think of it, the
only "bonding" the roommates wanted to with Tonya involved bonding her body to the busiest train tracks in Chicago.
Aneesa said, "Tonya wants to go home so badly that it makes us feel very unimportant." Are you kidding me?
Of course she wants to go home! She has $100,000 on the line with Christopher Lowell in a bet, guaranteeing
that she can turn her boyfriend Justin completely heterosexual by the end of 2002. Hurry,
Tonya. There's still lots of work to be done. (Psst, you might want to work on the whole voice thing a little.)
Suddenly and without warning, heinous country-ish music began flooding out of the living room in the Real World house. No, Garth
Brooks wasn't trying to sing "Callin' Baton Rouge" while his wife was blowing him again. It was just Matt, Cara's "friend" from Saint Louis, attempting
to master the finely tuned art of "How To Sound Like You're Choking On A Trout While Singing."
Cara turned to the cameras and said, "My plan is to move out to L.A. and audition for... things." Things, eh? Better hurry, Cara!
I heard some big-wig porno exec's are looking for an anorexic and/or bulemic female to star in "Men In Back II." Hope
that works out for her. Cara then put her aspirations way up high on a shelf next to her emergency barf-bags, and scribbled
some notes asking her roommates to attend her performance tonight.
Several hours later (or, two seconds in Real World time), the roommates were getting ready for Cara's show. However,
Tonya and Chris were in the car en route to the gym. What a tacky move. It's their last night together, and Chris is more
concerned with preventing jiggly man-boobs from forming on his spindly frame than spending time with his roommates? Get a
grip. He so totally could have gone. Jiggly man-boobs take at least TWO days to appear. Duh.
Meanwhile, back at the coffee house, Cara dedicated the song she wrote to her roommates. It went a little something like this:
ODE TO CHICAGO
Testosterone on my hands
Tears on my shirt
Thank God allmighty
I know how to flirt
Yes I've seen so much penis
Some huge and some itty
I've even seen Aneesa
Take one too many shitties
Now I bid you farewell
All my chums and my pals
I've nailed all the guys here
So I'm switching to gals!
Cara then told the cameras, "It's more about them missing our last night together than about them missing me sing. They've
heard me sing." Yes. Yes they have. And chew on this: perhaps that's why they didn't show up. Cara's voice
isn't bad necessarily... it's just very unpleasant. Seriously, I think she'd have an easier time finding the Keebler
Elves' hidden cookie workshop in the woods than she would hitting a high C.
After the show, the roommates went out to dinner. Chris apologized for missing Cara's show, but Tonya sat there with her
lips pressed together more tightly than Rosie O'Donnell's asscheeks in a pair of size 6 khakis. Cara grabbed Aneesa
and headed to the bathroom where she said, "There have been at least 4 times I stayed in the hospital with that bitch!" Yes,
but come on now. Tell the truth. That was only because you wanted to nail that hot little Endocrinologist, right?
Back home, some more bad music was playing while the roommates were packing their bags. Tonya was on the phone talking
to Justin (which will undoubtedly leave you no more surprised than you'd be if I just told you THE SUN WAS HOT.) Tonya told
the confessional cameras, "I was the girl who didn't unpack her suitcase until I was a sophomore in high school." Uh, asphincter
says what? Exqueeze me? What kind of high school requires that you pack a bag? "Attention all students, this is your
principal speaking. Please re-pack your suitcases and prepare to go to third period Algebra. Thank you." Honey, I think your
parents just shipped you to Kuwait all those years and told you it was high school.
Next, Cara suggested that the roommates all jump into the hot tub. And aww, how cute. They all sat in the same places they
did on their first night there. ((Run to window. Open window. Laugh hysterically out the window. Close window. Resume life
as normal.)) Cara said, "As far as the rockstar... that probably wasn't my smartest move." Yeah, neither was that time you
moved your Bishop instead of of your King and let Stevie Wonder beat you in that chess tournament. Tisk, tisk.
Next, ringleader Cara suggested the roommates play a game where everyone said something nice about one person. Aneesa said,
"Theo is in my heart. He is the same person as I am... without tits." Slightly amusing, yes. The game progressed, until
the roommates got to Tonya. Cara said, "Tonya... uh, Tonya... she, umm, sure does pass lovely kidney stones!" Well hey, it
was the best she could come up with in a pinch. Tonya then thanked everyone for helping her while she was sick, and said, "Everyone
saw me cry, everyone saw me hurt, everyone saw my true colors." And in the wise, wise words of Miss Cyndi Lauper who is
oh so unusual: "They
saw your trueeee colors shining through, they saw your trueee colors, and that's why they haaate you..."
Finally all the roommates were ready to leave Chicago. Keri and Cara were walking down the street arm in arm, and I
was honestly expecting them to break into a chorus of "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 Schlameel, Schlamazel, Hassenpepper Incorporated!" but
I had no such luck. Instead, they played the obnoxious "I love you bigger than the world... bigger than the galaxy... bigger
than the universe!" game. This game went on for 2 minutes, but shit. One of them could have ended it in two seconds flat
by uttering the words, "I love you bigger than Luciano Pavarotti's belt size." That's it. Would have been all over.
Keri was the first to go. She walked off, as the camera panned to a quick shot of Kyle solemnly standing in the distance
wearing a pair of black Ray-Ban's that made him look like some kind of rejected extra from the set of Men In Black II. And
could he please remove the rancid NYPD shirt that's been on his body for the past 3 episodes? Thanks. I'm sick of seeing it.
Cut to Cara in the confessional where she said, "Tonya, I'm sorry for all the things that have ever happened to you in your past.
You have a wonderful soul. I don't think we should ever talk again." Way to go, Cara. That's more blunt than the little number
I saw hanging out of Nellie's mouth in his last video. And yes, cut to Tonya speeding off in a cab as Natalie Imbruglia's
words filled the air: "Didn't wanna leave you with the wrong impression!" Ah yes, because you know what they say... you never
get a second chance to erase the fact that you came across as a mega-bitch on wheels for 6 months."
Chris and Theo were the next to go. They were in the van ready to drive off, when Kyle climbed on the front bumper, jumped up
and down for a few laughable moments, and then jumped off. Please. You're not auditioning to be a fucking Flying Walenda. Get off
the car and let your roommates leave with some dignity, without the impression of your huge square head flailing around being
seared into their brains for all eternity. Loser.
Cut to Cara, Aneesa, and Kyle on a bench at the train station. Kyle said, "I want both of you to be careful. You with men, and
you with women." Yeah? And I want Kyle to fall madly in love with Lorena Bobbitt. My point? Put a fork in it, Kyle. You're the
only one who loves the sound of your own voice. Now run along and teach your little brother how to apply eyeliner or something.
And that, my friends, brought another season of The Real World to an end. Stay tuned for next season... Las Vegas will
never be the same.
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Kyle. Because I just saw last week's episode and now have him ranked as one of my top 5 most hated real worlders of
all time.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Tonya to Justin on the phone: "I LOVE YOU." No, that's not a new comment. It's just that a person gets a LITTLE
sick of hearing it for the 8 billionth time.
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