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EPISODE #1203 |
alternatively titled
Amateur Porn? No! It's The Real World! |
Look out, Vegas. |
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That's right. Another year brings another much anticipated season of The Real World.
Princeton T-shirts, huge noses, and kidney failure? OUT! White trash, pregnancy scares, and stupidly idiotic white boys? IN!
So keep your lights on and your barfbags handy, because this season promises to be the scariest yet.
The episode opened with a photo montage of Las Vegas... the famous street sign, the fountains at the Bellagio, and a high roller
getting one hell of a blow job in a dark alley behind the Luxor.
Meanwhile, back at the tackiest Real World house ever, Trashelle was on the phone with her brother-in-law. She said, "I already
hooked up with one of my roommates. Buffy is going to be pissed!" Just when I was wishing that Sarah Michelle Gellar
would kick in the door, ready to plunge 2 freshly sharpened Swiffer Wet-Jet handles into Trashelle's undead chest,
Trashelle explained that Buffy was her older sister. Darn, those pesky real world fantasies sure are starting early
this season.
Cut to Trashelle and Steve randomly making out in the elevator. And let's just say that by the looks of it, the
elevator wasn't the only thing going up very quickly.
Once in bed, Trashelle uttered the most romantic words ever: "I don't wanna puke over here!" Trust me, honey, we don't want you to
either. I'm still recovering from the past two barf-fest episodes of Road Rules.
In the confessional, Brynn said, "It would be really cool to partake in some kind of activity with Steve and Trashelle!"
Oh, Brynn darling, if you want to go bowling with the two of them, all you have to do is ask. Wait, she was talking about
bowling, right? Ah, nevermind.
Cut to Alton on the phone with his ex-girlfriend, Melissa. Turns out Melissa's period was late and she thought she might
be pregnant.
WE INTERRUPT THIS REVIEW TO BRING YOU ANOTHER BREAKING NEWS STORY THAT
WE ARE SURE YOU WON'T CARE ABOUT:
One of George Bush's testicles may not be functioning properly.
AND NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED REVIEW.
After the break, Alton and Irulan went out to get some food and to talk about relationships. Irulan said, "It's not important
how much money a guy spends on me!" Oh shut up, I-Lo. This scene was terribly boring. I just sat there staring at the
screen blankly, asking myself why
I watched Dennis Rodman drive a car off a cliff on this tragic FOX special tonight. Seriously, I've seen more rivoting stunts
pulled by bakers in the back of Dunkin Donuts at 6 AM.
Back home, Steve told the confessional, "I think it's great when women are bisexual!" Yeah, no shit. You're an idiot. You also
think it's great when you manage to take a full piss without getting any urine on the toilet seat. Stupid moron. Crawl
back into the womb. You're obviously not done cooking yet.
Next, Brynn told the confessional cameras, "Trashelle wouldn't make the first move, so I did." I closed my eyes and made a silent
wish that she was referring to a game of checkers the two had played earlier in the evening,
but no such luck... because just moments later, we were treated to a clip of Trashelle and Brynn making out in the middle of
a club. Good Lord, don't these people have a desire to do anything other than hook up?
Once the roommates got back home, they decided to hop in the hot tub and, surprise, make out. Brynn, Trashelle, and Steven were
sandwiched together in what looked like the most unappetizing Double-Stuff Oreo I've ever seen. Frank sat on the other side
of the room watching, and said, "I'm not the type of person to hook up with multiple people, although
I do consider myself a pretty wild guy." Oh, save it, FRANK. That time you reheated your pork fried rice in the microwave without
removing the metal box handle hardly qualifies as wild. He did refer to the hot tub as a "big mixture of disease and
infestation," which I thought was quite humorous.
Trashelle and Steve scampered off to the bedroom faster than Triumph the Insult Dog could poop on something. Trashelle proceeded
to tell Steven, "Honestly, I'm innocent!" Just then, Richard Simmons danced onto set, screamed "And I'm not a homosexual!", and then
mysteriously disappeared. Unaffected by the sweat Simmons had left behind, Trashelle and Steve continued to make out. Soon, they
were joined by Brynn. And we, the viewers, saw nothing but a plethora of bodies underneath a white sheet moving around more than
Michelle Kwan in a centrifuge. And while all of this was going on, Irulan stood in the hallway secretly snapping photos of them.
Stay tuned, I'm sure you'll see some freak paying $2000 for them on e-Bay within a few months.
Thank God. A commercial break. I needed to take a moment to relax my jaw from the permanent "OH MY GOD" position it had been in
for the past six minutes. I know vegas is Sin City, but come
on! It's only episode
one, and these whores have already committed most of the "Deadly Sins."
All that's left is for Trashelle to be driven to the middle of
a deserted field, where she'd open a box containing Steve's head. Enough's enough! Lay off the Viagra, people!
After the break, Trashelle told the confessional, "I feel like tonight was really wrong. Stuff happened that I didn't want to."
Oh PLEASE! Morph into a Kit-Kat and give me a break. Watch out, people, because I despise this horse-faced, wrinkly, slut of a
woman more than I've ever despised a Real Worlder after only watching one episode. Things could get ugly.
Trashelle ran to the phone to call, uh, Buffy, to confess. She explained, "I hooked up with two roommates... except, one was
more than a boy." MORE than a boy? Is that what we're calling girls nowadays? "Hi, I'm Jill, I'm MORE THAN A BOY." Sounds like
some tragic hemaphroditic birth defect or something. More than a boy. Could she be any more retarded? I think not. But
anyway, Trashelle pleaded with the Buffster to tell "daddy" about her sexual shenanigans,
because she was too scared to do so herself.
Cut to Alton staring out the window while fingering a violin (wait, did that sound disgusting?) Suddenly, the phone rang.
Alton ran to answer it, and then shouted, "WHAT! YOU STARTED YOUR PERIOD! GREAT!" Excuse me while I bortch. Have some
class, people! I'm so glad I'm now completely down with this random girl's cycle of ovulation. I will sleep easier
tonight. Ugh, nas-ty.
In the final clip of the night, Trashelle sat on her bed all alone... for the first time since she's been in Vegas. She was
going on and on about how her "daddy" never said he was proud of her. Psst, here's a tip! If you didn't want to "shame"
your family, you should have kept your legs closed. And finally, I ask you this:
is it too late to start fantasizing about those extra-sharp wooden stakes again?
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Short review, as I'm half dead with the flu. But stay tuned for next week,
when the Awards for this season will make their debut!
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