|
EPISODE #1204 |
alternatively titled
The Real Worlders Get "Jobs" |
Boring! |
|
Another week... another 30 minutes of pure unadulterated hell we
affectionately refer to as "The Real World." And what could be more "real"
than seven 20-somethings with ZERO experience getting jobs as party planners for one of Vegas's most popular night spots!
The episode opened as they all seem to, with a
Baywatch-esque photo montage of Las Vegas. I especially enjoyed
the beautiful shot of the Bellagio fountains spraying up a mystical
water design in the shape of Trashelle's diaphragm, set to the melodic tune of Madonna's
"Justify My Love". Very enjoyable. What a lovely homage!
Meanwhile, back at the house, uhh, I mean penthouse suite, the
roommates had a package delivered to their door. Right after Brynn opened it
up and dumped its contents all over the kitchen table, the roommates started to
frantically scream and jump all over each other. Seriously, hop into a crockpot and
SIMMER DOWN. It was a work-related package, not an extra-potent explosive sent to you by the Unibomber.
Arissa, the only person currently alive with a voice more annoying
than Fran Drescher's, read the note aloud to the group. Can I take a
moment to share the fact that I just want to shove an oversized carrot
into this girl's mouth whenever she opens it so I won't have to listen to her
speak? Listening to her annunciate her "T's" makes me mysteriously envious of Helen Keller.
And what was with that heinous silver snake-like earring she was sporting tonight?
It looked more like a little something snared up by the Crocodile Hunter than fashion jewelry, if you ask me.
Cut to a shot of the cast's new boss, Marc, explaining to the group that their job this year
would be to "throw parties." Ooooh, watch out Martha Stewart, you have some competition
on your hands! (Hey, why didn't Rain just cut to the chase and hire good 'ol Martha!
Imagine how absolutely delightful some cherry-stemmed walnut macaroon napkin holders
would look against the lush backdrop of Rain!) Actually, I think it's hysterical that the
roommates are working at a place called "Rain" - because by time the real worlders get through
ruining the club's reputation, it'll be forced to change its name to ACID Rain. And who likes to
whimsically dance around in Acid Rain? Surely not Fred Astaire. And surely not I.
Marc decided that it'd be a good idea to individually interview the Real Worlders
to see what talents they had. Trashelle whipped a ceramic penis out of her purse and
got a condom on it in 2.3 seconds flat. Very impressive, no?
Next, cut to a series of frightening shots of the other Real Worlders showing off.
Alton was walking around on his hands, a few people went cartwheeling at mock speed
past the cameras, and one unidentified freak was contorting her body until it resembled
a half eaten Wetzel's Pretzel. Good lord, people! Do you think you're auditioning for
a sideshow at Cirque de Soleil or something? Please go stand in the corner and put your dunce caps on.
Cut to Arissa on the phone with her friend (she has friends? Who'd have thunk it?) She ran
into a phone booth and came out dressed like Cindy Brady, braids and all, just in time to
say, "Steven haths nice lipthss." Seriously, couldn't we get Barbara Walter's speech
therapist on-set to help her work through that tragic lisp? Please? Her voice is the
cheese that rubs against the graters that are my ears.
After the commercial break, it was magically 7:12 AM and the roommates
were getting ready for their 8 AM meeting with some random Rain personnel.
Nothing outlandish happened during this scene, except for the up-close
shot of Trashelle's eyeball as she was putting on her contact lens. Ooooh.
Trashelle has an eye! Ooooh, Trashelle puts in contact lenses! Hats off to the
clever cameraman who thought to zoom in on that rare sight! Someone putting
in contacts! Don't see THAT everyday, do we!
Downstairs, the roommates met up with spunky Ann, who was the equivalent of
253 highschool cheerleaders, a litter of hyperactive puppies, and Christopher
Lowell all wrapped up and packaged into one 40-something female body.
She said, "Stand up, tell me your name, and give me an adjective
that describes you that starts with the first letter of your name! I am Ann and I'm....."
I soooo wanted her to finish that sentence with "an asshole!"
..."I'm Ann and I'm awesome!" Oooh, not only is she vibrant, but she's also witty!
Steve declared to everyone that he was "STUPID STEVE." I couldn't have said that
better myself. Once Ann requested something more positive from him, he stood back
up and said, "I'm SLUTTY Steve!" Good lord, why doesn't "FUCKING MORON" start with the letter "S?"
After the always fun icebreaker games were over, Ann whipped out a stopwatch and declared that the roommates
were now free to enjoy a 12 minute break (Jesus, this woman would have been perfect for "Full Metal Jacket.")
Twelve minutes was enough time for Brynn to barf, for Trashelle to slop condoms on 313 ceramic penises (yes,
I did the math), and for Frank to explain to Steven that he really couldn't get to China through the hole he
dug in his back yard.
Later that night, or whenever, Arissa and Irulan were talking before bed.
Arissa said, with her voice that not even her mother could love, "I'm so
horny right now, I need my ass smacked and my hair pulled." Do you
think anyone cares, you psycho dominatrix freak? Ew. Seriously,
I've filed that verbal gem under the "Things I Could Have Gone To
My Grave Without Hearing" folder of my life. And for the record,
I don't think anyone could get through that rats nest hairdo of
hers without some pulling involved. Psst, might be time to seek
out the professional help of a stylist, because it looks like
the only thing she's been "modeling" is just how effective and powerful Vornado fans are.
Next, the real worlders learned they had 72 hours to promote an
event called "Catwalk." Gee, you know what those geniuses decided to
do? You'll never believe it, but they opted to (gasp) set up a CATWALK!
Arissa climbed up onto a horse so tall that it would have made the Trojan
Horse look puny, and started barking orders at people on how to strut
down a runway properly. She was apparently getting agitated with her roommates,
because she said, "No one's paying attention to me! They're over there giggling
and poking at each other!" Well, no duh. That's usually what people do when
they're making fun of someone behind their back.
In the last scene of the night, the roommates had their little
runway show. Brynn wore a wig apparently borrowed from Cher's personal collection.
She looked like a Barbie on crack. Before the show ended, all the roommates made
their way onto the catwalk and started dancing around in their bikinis and boxers.
The whole scene looked like some rejected, long-lost Jenny Jones footage.
The guys in the front row watching the show were trying not to laugh. It wasn't pretty.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Las Vegas drama to an end.
Stay tuned next week when (GASP!) someone sleeps with Marc. Oooh, the drama
that will ensue. And now, by popular vote on the message forums, onto the Sin Shitty Awards!
 |
THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Arissa. That voice. It's enough to make me drop to my knees and plead to the heavens for mercy.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Arissa. "I want my hair pulled and my ass smacked." What do you think this is, a friggin' episode of Red Shoe
Diaries? No one CARES!
|
|
|
|
