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EPISODE #1205 |
alternatively titled
What Happens When Gay White Men Flirt With Straight Black Women |
Boring! |
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Another week... another 30 minutes of pure unadulterated hell that MTV affectionately refers to
as "The Real World."
The episode opened with a bunch of shots of the real worlders playing casino games. I particularly enjoyed the clip that
showed an embarrassed and smelly Steven running to the bathroom after misunderstanding how "Craps" was played.
This boring episode was the true story of how one gross-looking, double-chinned, big-nosed boss tried to get it on
with two self proclaimed "bitches." And I ask you this: who wouldn't
want to jump this guy? He sports perma-pitstains, greasy looking bandanas, and black jeans obviously left over from the
days when he was shoved in his locker in 7th grade.
Before this episode aired, I would have told you I thought he
was gay. And after the episode? I'm telling you I think he's gayer than Nathan Lane conveying the term "whatever" while
only using his hands to form the letter W.
The Marc/Irulan flirting fiasco began at the bar. Irulan told Marc that she had an open relationship with her boyfriend, but he
asked her not to hook up with anyone in the house. Marc replied, "I'm not in the house!" faster than Melina Kanakaredes to a
theater on the opening night of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Marc then stated he was trying to give Irulan "bedroom eyes." Hey pal,
just a tip: if you have to ALERT someone that you're giving them bedroom eyes, IT IS NOT WORKING. If a response is what he's
looking for, I suggest he go try his luck on the 94 year-old chainsmoking wretch dumping quarters into Slot Machine #634.
Cut to Frank on the phone. He referred to Arissa as a "bitchy black chick" who needs to "play her
role." Fifty bucks says he was having a frisky little convo on the DL with
Mary Ellis-Bunim, trying to guess which castmembers she chose to fill each predetermined
role on the show. Either that, or he was making harassing phonecalls to the NAACP again. Discuss amongst yourselves.
Cut to Irulan in the confessional saying, "When someone is your boss and they have power over you, there is a weird attraction."
Hate to burst your bubble, toots, but not
everyone in the world wants to jump on their heinous boss's beer gut and count the amount of seconds the fat jiggles after you
poke it with a Bachman pretzel rod.
Get what I'm saying? So make like you're a piece of leftover meatloaf, jump into a freezer bag, and ZIP IT.
While Marc was giving Irulan a foot rub (in the middle of the bar, gag) his phone rang. Irulan said, "Who calls you at this
time!" Psst... it was Ashleigh Banfield. She wanted her black glasses back. (Apparently, she's been misreading the teleprompter
lately, and had an embarrassing incident that involved her saying "Barbara's Bush" on-air. Oops.)
Before long, Marc and Irulan went to Marc's hotel room. Irulan immediately asked, "Hey, got any Cheetos in the mini
bar?" Two problems with that statement. One, what kind of hotel supplies CHEETOS? And second, you idiot, even if they did,
why would they be in the fridge? Moronus Gigantus.
Irulan continued to say, "There was nothing in his room but a bed and a TV." Good Lord. What were you expecting to see,
Siegfried and Roy leading a tiger through a ring of fire in one corner, and the Golden Girls jumping on an olympic-sized
trampoline in the other? IT IS A HOTEL ROOM. Beds and TVs are standard. Cheetos are not. Doesn't get out much, does she.
Before long, we were watching infrared scenes of the two of them rolling around under the sheets. I wasn't sure if they were
hooking up, or if Marc was seizing as a result of popping one too many Propecia.
Finally, at 4:57 AM, Irulan and Marc went back to the Real World suite. Marc and Irulan jumped into Arissa's bed, as Irulan
said, "I wanna go downtown!" I immediately closed my eyes and made a silent wish she was having a hankering for a little
shopping on
Freemont Street. But
Arissa was more turned off by the two of them than Ecco The Dolphin while touring the Starkist Tunafish Factory, so Irulan
and Marc let her be and hopped into another bed.
The next day (or whenever) at a work-related meeting,
Marc asked the roommates to come up with 10 things that angels and devils would be doing
at a party (well, I hope it was a work-related meeting, or these people are even more fucked up than I had originally
thought.) The point of this story? Well, there isn't one, except that it gives me a nice segue into mentioning the disgusting
sweat stains on the pits of Marc's shirt that rivaled the size of the sweat stains produced by Trading Spaces designer Frank Bielec.
Hey Marc, they make anti-perspirant that rolls on all nice and clear and pretty nowadays. No more sticky white residue. Shit,
throw some baby powder under those suckers. Didn't your mamma ever tell you that
pit stains (especially when NOT engaged in physical activity) are more revolting
to the eye than Hugh Downs in a Speedo? Or wait, maybe that was my mom. Shucks. Nevermind.
Cut to the roommates in a cab. Arissa told Alton, Steve, Trashelle, and Brynn that Frank referred to her as a
"black bitch." The roommates immediately began to "oooh" and "aaahhh." But the moans weren't a show of
sympathy for Arissa. Turns out as Steven and Trashelle
were looking out the window, they
happened to catch David Blane magically making the word "CHICKEN" appear on his chest in charcoal. What does it mean?
Arissa added, "I'm so mad at Frank. Don't let me alone with him because I don't want to be kicked off the house." What
is she, a friggin' soccer ball? Oooh, better not throw a fork at someone, might be kicked OFF the house. If that's the case,
may I share my wish for her to be moved to the tallest building in Vegas?
Once home, Arissa approached Frank and said, "Do you understand I'm a black woman? Do you know how many times I've been called
a black bitch?" Trust me, I'm sure he has some idea. She then said, "You can't put 'black' in the equation." What the hell
is she, a can of Polaner All-Fruit? Call her a bitch! Call her a slut! But don't you dare call her jelly black!
In the last scene of the night, Irulan approached Marc about their hook-up. She said, "It's difficult, because you're my friend
and my boss." Marc, in all his double-chinned glory, replied, "It wasn't devious. Yes we flirted, but there was no other
motive than having fun." Hey, you fucking putz, can't you just play Yahtzee like the rest of us?
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Stay tuned next week when (GASP!) Steven and Brynn get in a fight. Oooh, the drama that will ensue.
And now, onto the Sin Shitty
Awards!
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Marc. You're no gigolo. Keep it in your pants. Lose the bandanas. Consider having that heinous
chin augmented. And admit to yourself that you're gay. "NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!"
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Arissa. "I don't want my black bitchiness to rub off on you." Good. That's the best news I've heard all week. Now
piss off!
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