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EPISODE #1206 |
alternatively titled
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes Fork |
"Honestly, who throws a fork!" |
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Another week... another 30 minutes of the overly dramatic and juvenile crapfest that MTV affectionately refers to
as "The Real World."
The episode opened with some recap footage of Brynn saying, "I can't stand that Trashelle got to Steven before me!" Please.
Steven isn't the ticker tape at the finish line of the last leg of The Amazing Race. A million dollars isn't on the line. Who
cares WHO got to his nasty crotch first. Let it
die already.
Cut to literally two minutes of slow-mo blurry footage of Trash and Steven grinding against each other at a club. Rivoting
footage, really (Picture Dirty Dancing minus the watermelons, dancing skill, and several trillion brain cells,
plus a few dozen cocktails, some Viagra, and 13 STD's. After all, nobody puts
baby in a corner!)
In a confessional voice-over, Steven said, "Her breasts are always on my mind." However does he have any time to think of breasts
with all the time he spends trying to figure out how the "Old Woman" fit all of her children in a shoe?
Next we were treated to some black and white footage of Trash and Steven having sex. Actually, it looked more like some footage
of the Crocodile Hunter trying to pin down an oversized boa constrictor that was 4 seconds away from squeezing
his balls off, but I'll let it slide. Problem is, Frank was trying to sleep in a bed that was 4 feet away. The noises emitting
from Trash's mouth must have frightened him, because after a few moments he ran out of the room faster than the Russians could
trade in Lance Bass for a cargo container. And might I say, thank GOD.
Cut to a mismatched hodgepodge of random shots, which just may win my vote for the "Most Incomprehensible and Confusing
Real World Fight... EVER." All we heard was Steven saying to Brynn, "Why are you being a bitch to me!" Obviously,
they were fighting about something, and hey, for all we know it was over which
Golden Girl had the flabbiest ass. Apparently, Brynn wouldn't back down, adamant that it was Dorothy.
Suddenly, Alton said, "She threw a FORK at him!" Everyone, especially Steven, was making a huge deal about this. Please! Come on
people, it was a FORK. How dangerous! How menacing! In fact, I'm sure right now, as we speak, gangbangers
all over the universe are trading in their uzi's for this newly acclaimed mega-deadly eating implement.
We did get to see a thoroughly humorous shot of the crusty ketchup-laden fork lying on the ground. Yep.
There it is, folks. Quick,
someone call in the FBI before any evidence is compromised. Funny thing is, THIS was the best the lame-assed MTV camera crew could come up
with. A fork on the ground. Why are these cameramen able to provide us with the many
delightful shots of Aneesa taking a dump, yet unable
to capture the rare moment that anything eventful actually goes down in the house?
Where WERE these camera men? In a back room somewhere
trying to reach some sort of agreement as to which was the best film of the Back to the Future series? Get on the ball,
dammit!
Cut to Steven on the phone with a random Real World producer, saying, "My mind is made up. I... want... her... GONE!"
Commercial break. Wouldn't you know it? Boy, I'll tell ya,
I wasn't sure if I'd be able to wait through the 5 minutes of commercials to find out
what would happen! Would Brynn be forced to leave the house? Would Steven and Brynn ever be friends again? Is Felicity
actually going to sleep with Ben? Who is Cartman's father? What happened to Cybill and Mary-Anne! Are Emmett and Ted
really going to keep dating? WHO SHOT J.R.?!
After the commercial break, Trashelle said, "I think Steven is wrong for calling Brynn all those names, but two wrongs
don't make a right." Yeah, but two Wright's made an airplane. So it all evens out. (And might I add that Trash has been
looking especially doggedly during many of the confessional shots? Please, honey, it's called make-up. If you're naturally
that heinous, apply some so you're not scaring small children and farm animals.)
Cut to the roommates in the living room talking about whether or not Brynn should be forced to leave the house. Steven said,
"If she were to do something like this to me and I hit her back, my life would be forever ruined. I'd be the guy who hit a girl."
How about showing a little restraint? Hmm? Just get rid of her because you might not be able to control yourself in the future?
Better come up with a better tactic, because someday, somewhere, a girl you won't be able to throw out of the house
is going to laugh at your retarded-looking skunk hair. Whatever will you do then?
And then, inevitably, he said it again, in the most smarmy and arrogant way possible: "I WANT HER GONE." And suddenly, I found
myself wishing that the now infamous crusty fork would find its way up his crusty ass.
Brynn finally broke down and said, "I only acted that way because I was jealous, because I like you!" You see, honey, when we
grow up and graduate from 4th grade and become big boys and girls, we learn to communicate our feelings. We no longer
have to throw sand in little Billy's face, or push Sally down on the playground. Steven actually
called her on it and said, "This isn't elementary school." Fine, then can someone explain to me why this entire fight made me
feel like I was watching an episode of Kids Say The Darndest Things? Anyone for a Jell-o Pudding Pop?
Arissa convinced Steven to listen to Brynn's side of the story, so he did just that. The entire conversation was boring and
not worth recapping, but Steven did say, "Brynn, you remind me of me when I was 20." Oh really? When was that, asshole,
like LAST YEAR? I'm frankly surprised his memory stretches that far. He continued to say, "Brynn can stay. But I'm not
letting Brynn stay; I'm letting the old Steven stay." Barf. Please, someone
pass me some Visine. I'm hoping my eyes will roll back to their proper position
if I adequately lubricate them.
Meanwhile, the rest of the roommates were watching the discussion on the TV monitors. Apparently, Alton had channeled the
ghost of Howard Cosell moments earlier, because he was providing a detailed play-by-play of their conversation: "Look at
them, they're talking! Oh, wait, Steven just scratched his balls. Now they're standing... they're walking... they're hugging!
Score! The Yanks have won! The Yanks have won!"
When Brynn walked back into the house, Irulan ran over to her and let out a scream that was more unpleasant than Roseanne
Barr's time-honored rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. Either she was happy that Brynn would be staying, or Brynn
shouldn't have opted for that third Gordita. You decide.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Stay tuned next week when people are caught talking crap about Trashelle behind her back. The horror!
(psst... hey, you there reading this... did you
enjoy the review? Then throw me a buck or two! Please? Bandwidth ain't free, you know!)
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Steven. Sure, Brynn is annoying, but no one got under my skin tonight more than this pathetic, idiotic dweeb.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Steven: "I WANT HER GONE." Say it one more time, pal, because I DON'T THINK WE FUCKING GET IT YET.
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