|
EPISODE #1207 |
alternatively titled
Enough With The Damn Skis! |
tragically boring! |
|
Another week... another 30 minutes of footage containing the the most ridiculous movements I have ever seen people perform
while on skis (hell, or without skis for that matter.)
The episode opened with Brynn saying, "Trashelle has a nice body and nice boobs and I'm jealous
of her." Oooh, thanks so much for that monumentally shattering revelation! What's the next stop on your Captain Obvious
bus tour, honey?
Addressing the nation to reveal George Washington is the man with the mysterious face on the dollar bill?
After the bar, Brynn ran to the once conjoined twins, Arissa and Irulan,
and bragged to them that within 10 minutes, Trashelle "had a guy's phone number."
Please. Unless she dragged his limp and wounded body 50 feet to safety after he'd been trampled by a crazed dancer
before getting his digits, save all this "Trashelle's a hero" crap. This isn't Saving Private Ryan.
Cut to Steve and Trashelle on the roof. The boring and pointless conversation ended with Steven saying, "Forget the
roommates. They're all just jealous because we're having sex." Darn. And there we were thinking they were jealous because
Steven got to feast on the last helping of the extra-crunchy peanut butter.
Cut to Arissa talking to the roommates about an upcoming party they'd be promoting. She said, "We're gonna throw a party
where people dance and get drunk!" Oh, you mean as opposed to the parties you throw where people sit around a table and
debate over which one of Pamela Anderson's boobs is bigger? OBVIOUSLY people are going to be drinking and dancing. You work
at a club. Good Lord, woman! Cut your hair, bleach it to a near-white state, morph into Susan Powder, and STOP THE
INSANITY.
Apparently the party is going to be called "Good To Be Bad." Posh nightclub title, or frighteningly reminiscent of that bratty
kid in the Bounty commercial wasting an infinitesimal amount of paper towels to wipe his pigly hands whilst eating ribs?
You decide.
Cut to some hysterical footage of the
Real Worlders at Rain, whimsically moving their bodies to and fro while strapped into skis. Apparently they were
practicing the "sexy ski dance" they'd be performing at the party. Either that, or they were
trying to swat away an onslaught of invisible killer bees. Whatever they were doing, they looked colossally retarded.
Seriously, John Goodman would have looked more graceful doing a one-handed push-up on a
balance beam wearing nothing but a ketchup-stained pair of Haggar's.
Trashelle decided she didn't want to do the ski dance because she wasn't "as flexible" as the other girls. Please. With all the
time that girl's legs spend up over her head, I'd have an easier time believing that Corey Feldman
still has a fan left.
Cut to the real worlders picking out their costumes. Alton didn't like his wings, because they "left room for suspicion."
Uh, what exactly are we supposed to think? That he is, in fact, Kid Icarus? Boy, I'm so glad he cleared that up. Meanwhile,
the girls were at Frederick's getting their costumes together. They were supposed to look like angels, but in actuality
they looked like rejected Fem-Bot extras from the set of an Austin Powers movie. Tragic, baa-by!
Brynn put in some fake boobs (which moved her up nicely to a size A) and ran into the dressing room to try
something on. Within a few moments, she started moaning and groaning. I wasn't sure if she hated the costume, or
if she randomly envisioned Barbara Walters naked. This girl's like the New York lottery. Hey, you never know. When Arissa and Irulan
came running in to see what was wrong, Brynn said, "I don't want to wear this because I'm fat!" The girls rolled their eyes and
left the dressing room, more annoyed than Bob Vila's sleeping neighbor at 9 AM on Sunday morning.
Back home, Steven told the confessional: "Most gay guys are manly men who like manly men!" Please. That's a bigger stretch than
Camryn Manheim trying to cram her ass into a size 6 pair of Levi's. Looks like Steven's been gargling with bong water again.
And just like that, it was showtime. When Alton saw the little white shorts and halo
he was supposed to wear for the show, he exclaimed, "This is the worst possible thing I could be in!" Really? Because
I happen to have a neon-pink
jumpsuit complete with stirrup legs that begs to differ.
Cut to the "performance" (and I use that term loosely). Alton and Steven were paired together, as were Irulan and Brynn. And there
they were. Strapped into skis while wearing skimpy clothes, flailing their bodies around more frantically than Chicken Little
while trying to alert the community that the sky was falling.
WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED REVIEW TO BRING YOU THIS BREAKING INFORMATION:
At exactly 10:19 pm, EST, Picabo Street clutched her hand to her chest and collapsed in sheer horror
while watching The Real Worlders dance on skis. More news as it becomes available.
AND NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED REVIEW.
It seems the crowd thought they blew, too. A grand total of three (3) people were watching them. And those are the 3 people
who just couldn't bear the thought of staying home another night to watch Aunt Beatrice shave her moustache again. Hey,
when you look at it that way, those Real Worlders suuuure must have seeemed mighty exciting!
After the show, cut to a shot of Trashelle in the bathroom mirror removing her make-up. I sure do hope the Real World pad has a
fresh supply of Brillo handy to aid Trashelle in removing all the lipstick that had accumulated on her oversized horseteeth that
evening!
Meanwhile, just a few feet away,
Arissa, Irulan, and Brynn were in the confessional talking crap about Trashelle. Arissa said her brain had the power
of an "avocado" and Irulan said she was "as dumb as rocks." Boy, I just love it when the real worlders write the jokes for me.
The last scene of the night brought with it
the weakest "argument" in Real World history. Trashelle confronted the girls about the things she overheard them
saying in the confessional. The entire scene was
more lame than an 80-year old ex-quarterback's throwing arm. Trashelle ended it all by saying, "I've always been the baby, but now,
I think it's time to grow up." Cue sad music... dim the lights... clasp your hands together and praise "Hallelujah" to the
heavens, because with that cheesy statement, the most boring episode of the season was over!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Stay tuned next week when Brynn tries to get a job as a go-go dancer.
(Hey! Have you been enjoying the reviews? Do you want to continue to enjoy them? Then please, in the name of all that's
good and holy, throw some money at me. This bandwidth is killing me!)
 |
THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Alton. Enough complaining that people might think you're gay because you're wearing wings. Get over it.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Irulan. "Focusing on Brynn [while performing] is the only thing that kept me from dying!" Ironic, because sometimes, focusing
on Brynn is the exact thing that MAKES me feel like dying.
|
|
|
|
