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EPISODE #1208 |
alternatively titled
Alton cries. Brynn dances. Alton has sex. NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS. |
pass the NoDoz. |
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Another week... another 30 minutes of my life that could have been spent doing something far more entertaining than
watching this episode...
like, oh I don't know, scrubbing a toilet bowl filled with bees at a truck stop with my TONGUE. Tonight's
show blew harder than Dick Clark on his last birthday cake. But
what the hell. Let's laugh at it anyway.
The episode opened with Alton dancing at some club. He said, "It was crazy, the whole scene really was vibrating a lot."
Vibrating? What the hell? Unless Star Jones was doing jumping jacks in the champagne room, I'm afraid I just don't get
what the hell he was trying to say.
Cut to Alton talking to Steven. Alton said, "My ex cheated on me, but we're gonna get back together." Psst, is that
the word DOORMAT written on your head in lipstick? I think it might be. And might I add that pink is a lovely shade for you?
Frank was actually there for the entire
conversation, but just quietly sat there
smiling to himself as he reflected on the stellar
dump he took at
the Sigma Alpha Epsilon house.
Cut to Alton on the phone with his ex-girlfriend. He said, "I feel funny. Maybe I love you still." Yeah? Or maybe
he shouldn't have had that third helping of beans at dinner. Explains it every time.
Next, Brynn started bitching that she was broke. Hey honey, it's called a real job. You know, the place you go to
to read the Pophangover message forum all day while pretending to be working. Try it sometime. Brynn said, "I'm not
satisfied with the money I make at Rain. I could make that in 3 days at another job." Yeah. Go for it. Enjoy your graveyard
shift handling nuclear waste in Antarctica.
Cut to Alton at a diner talking to some nasty skank wearing heinous pink earrings, who just won $1000 at a bikini contest.
There was a humorous voiceover of Alton saying, "Damn, she's sexy as hell!" as the random girl was sucking down fries
with enough ketchup to adequately supply every McDonalds in the northern hemisphere for a decade. Alton then said, "Damn, I wanna
get down with something African!" Good Lord, Alton. Can't you just go read a book by Nelson Mandela and beat on
a djembe like the rest of us?
Of course, when Alton brought his new playtoy home, the two ran to the hot tub faster than Trading Spaces designer
Frank Bielec could convert a dusty cardboard box into a rooster. Arissa and Irulan had their noses wrinkled in disgust as they
watched the action, all the while looking more flabbergasted than I was the first time I laid eyes on Bobby
Trendy. How luxurious!
Arissa cut in to say, "I was brought up to not have sex in a communal shower!" Really? What are the
other life-altering rules you learned while growing up? No flushing the toilet while people are in the shower? She then
said, "Why would he bring some skank two feet from my bedroom?" Hate to burst your bubble, but from the look of next week's preview,
you have a skank sleeping IN your bedroom every night.
After the break, Brynn went on her go-go audition. I guess it went-went fine, since she seemed to be enjoying herself.
Oh yeah, Brynn, really enjoyed the black pleather hot pants. Didn't I see them for sale on the the
"Hoochie Mamma" rack at Rave last week?
Cut to Arissa bitching Alton out for bringing the nasty slut home. She said, "I was brushing my teeth and I saw her
ass all up in the air." Oh, come off it honey. She wasn't up on a fucking lube rack having her oil changed. They were in
the hot tub. Yes, it was gross. Yes, the tub is now even more disgusting. But let it go. And take off the lame shirt
that has "SKIN" written on it in glitter. Yes, you have skin. I can see that. But right about now I'm wondering about
your BRAIN.
Cut to Alton talking to his ex-girlfriend on the phone. Again. Once she admitted to having sex with some other guy,
Alton started screaming louder than a mother at her kid's first little league game. "You're not my best friend! You don't
tell me the truth! You cheated on me!" Jesus Christ! A stolen bottle of wine and a pregnancy scare and this could be
an episode of Degrassi Junior High.
Alton finally said, "You're not sorry, yo!" and slammed the phone down on Melissa
(well, actually, he just pushed the little "END" button on his cell phone. Sort of
takes the heat out of it, eh?) He then said, "She's stupid, homey." He was either talking to himself,
or there was an ex-convict wearing a
baggy orange clown suit with large pompom buttons and oversized shoes begging for a dollar in the back seat. (Note to the clueless:
that's a Homey the Clown reference. Didn't you watch TV in the early 90s?!)
Let's see now. Where are we. Ah yes. Brynn received a phonecall from the guy who conducted her go-go audition. He said, "What
are you doing tonight?" and Brynn responded, "Nothing." The guy then said, "One of the girls is sick, come work for her
tonight." Brynn, in a rare moment of sheer genius, actually said, "WHERE?" At the monkey exhibit at the
San Diego Zoo, Brynn. WHERE DO YOU THINK?
Once it sunk in that she got a job go-go dancing, Brynn
thought it would be a good idea to start screaming at the top of her lungs. Good Lord child, could you
please turn it down a notch to FOGHORN LEVEL? I think I'm deaf in my left ear.
Cut to Brynn at the club dancing. One fat bald guy slipped a dollar bill into her bra, and that was about all we saw. Frank
chuckled and said, "Brynn's hot!" Thanks, Beavis. Try getting your head out of Butthead's arse for 5 minutes and saying
something interesting.
Alton decided he wasn't drunk enough, so he went up to the bartender and said, "What's the nastiest, dirtiest drink
you can give me right now?" Hey, wait a minute, I DID see a bowl of motor oil with some
dead flies in it sitting right behind the Jack Daniels. If you're lucky, maybe he'll give you that.
Man. What an asshole.
Next came one of the most pathetic displays I've ever seen in my entire life. Alton started bawling his eyes out and spilling
his guts to a random guy sitting at the bar. Alton said, "People are so shady, yo." And the guy replied, "Yeah, I know, I go
through that every night."
Now. There are two questions that beg to be answered:
1) WHY must Alton say "yo" at the end of every sentence? and
2)Who is this guy that he's surrounded by shady people daily, but only at night? Las Vegas's Buffy-esque answer to their
pesky vampire problem?
Alton continued his lame attempt for attention by incessantly blabbering to this man about his life:
"I want to be in love again! I'm very sensitive! I think with my heart and I was raised by my mom!" Yeah? And I was
raised by a pack of hungry wolves in the Ukraine. Who gives a shit? Surely this man did not. I haven't seen a face that bored
since the guy sitting next to me at the movie Insomnia.
Steven ended it all by saying, "Alton puts his heart on his sleeve, and that'll bite you in the ass sometimes." Oh, shove it.
He broke up with his
girlfriend. He didn't sit on a rattlesnake while trying to take a crap in the outback, you even uglier-haired version of Dr. Phil!
Kindly go back to
worshipping your Oprah shrine and leave that psychobabble crap for daytime TV.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Stay tuned next week when Irulan and Alton have sex. Oh, the shame.
(Hey! Time for a quick statistic? Over the past two weeks, 11,264 people have read the reviews. And of those people,
EIGHTEEN donated! That's .15%! I did the math! HAVE YOU NO MERCY! Seriously, This bandwidth is killing me.
If you can, please help out. A few bucks won't kill you, and it would help me out immensely.
I'd be really really grateful. Click here
for an address if you prefer to send things through the mail. Send me a letter! I love letters.)
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Alton. Want some whine to go with your cheese?
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Alton. "Having sex is not something I'm into." Good. Go join the priesthood. We don't have enough priests
who "aren't into sex" nowadays.
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