|
EPISODE #1210 |
alternatively titled
This Episode Brought To You By The Letters "L" "A" "M" and "E" |
Yawn. |
|
Another week... another 30 minutes spent in a semi-conscious state, thinking more about just what happened to
Whoopi Goldberg's eyebrows than this monotonous episode of Real World Las Vegas.
The episode opened with Irulan getting a phonecall from her boyfriend Gabe, who was downstairs in the hotel lobby. Irulan,
wearing a nightgown obviously borrowed from Estelle Getty's personal sleepwear collection, ran downstairs to greet him. She
said, "Gabe is amazing, he is like my other half." Oh please. I'm sure she's said that about each member of the Backstreet Boys
at one point or another.
The two proceeded to make out in the lobby, in the elevator, and upstairs in bed. And in these moments of pure
boredom, just like that, I began
thinking about how much I HATE libraries. Everything at the library is such a hassle.
You've got to have that library card or you can't borrow a book.
There's that pesky Dewey Decimal system to master. And everyone is always shushing you.
You've got to be quiet. No talking in the library! What's the deal?
Last time I checked, I didn't live in Communist China... so if I ask
someone where the bathroom is located, I'd like to do so without being given
the evil eye by some crotchety old woman in self-help.
Oh yeah. Real World Las Vegas. Irulan and Gabe are still making out. Meanwhile, in a conversation with Frank about
Irulan, Alton said, "That's one of my golden rules: don't mess with a girl who has a boyfriend!" How prophetic. I can
only hope he follows his other golden rules: Never pee outside when the wind is blowing towards you, and never ask
Weird Al who jiffy-popped his head.
Cut to Alton on the phone with his mother. Alton revealed that his younger brother was kidnapped, molested, and murdered 9 years
ago. Absolutely tragic. Randomly blurted out, yes, but still tragic.
Next, Gabe crawled out from Irulan's ass long enough for us to get a look at his face. Quick comments? Holy ears, Batman. Tape
those puppies back or something, buddy. Better yet, go stand on a really tall mountain and
get to work helping NASA detect sounds from outside the Milky Way galaxy.
Cut to Gabe and Irulan eating. Gabe said, "You haven't done anything to make your grandmother keel over and die, have
you?" What could she even say to that? "Uh, I chain smoke and when I get drunk, I thrust my quivering body onto
the closest male body around." Grammy surely won't like that! And in any event, her damned NOSE is pierced!
If I ever showed up at my grandmother's house with a pierced nose, she'd drop dead
faster than J-Lo could get knocked up, married, and then divorced again.
What the hell is with J-Lo and all these marriages, anyway? Get a grip, honey! She's like
Larry King with boobs and a little more makeup.
Commercial break. Plenty of time to reflect upon that OBNOXIOUS soft drink commercial that goes on and on about
tastebuds, and ends with the tagline, "WHO'S YOUR SODA?" Excuse me, but is that the best these ad-wizards could come up
with? WHO'S YOUR SODA. Like we're all sitting here thinking, "You know what? I don't HAVE a soda! I NEED a soda! I want your
soda to be my soda!" Back to the drawing room with that ad campaign, boys. Get Brian Kinney on this one, stat.
And you know what else sucks? Sneeze guards at salad bars. It's little things like these that make everyday life more annoying.
Are there really that many people sneezing while picking through the romaine, anyway? And
even if there were salad-sneezers nearby, do people really think a
thin piece of plastic (which doesn't even completely surround the salad)
will protect the roughage from the airborne sneeze germs? No. It won't.
So take the sneeze guard down. Let us use the damn salad bar in peace, without having to
perform contortionist maneuvers to access the croutons.
Thank you.
What show am I supposed to be reviewing again? Ah yes. Vegas.
Alton's mother arrived, and she was drinking soda out of a red can with a piece of tape cleverly obstructing the letter "C" on the
can. Oooh, gold star to whoever can figure that one out! I wonder if "it's her soda?" (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
For the next 5 minutes, literally, all of the roommates were doting over Alton's mother. "You're so great! You're so pretty! You're
so young!" She seemed sweet, but sweet doesn't equal interesting or thought provoking. So, I'm going to take this
opportunity to tell you all about the FOUL smelling candle I came into contact with today.
The label on the candle
lured me in with the premise that with one flick of my lighter, my entire home would smell
like a "Fresh Baked Cookie." I thought, "Wow, I love the smell of fresh baked cookies, so this candle will be great!"
But alas, when I opened the lid and took a good hearty whiff of the
cream colored candle, I made the horrid discovery that it may have been labeled
"Fresh Baked Cookie," but it smelled more like something that had been rotting in formaldehyde for the past twenty years.
Having said that, I guess smelly candles really do work. I mean, whose nose could pick up the
faint aroma of little Spot's poo when overcome with the nasty
stench and memories of the fetal pig in ninth grade biology class?
Yes, yes. Real World. Irulan and Gabe hopped in the car and were en route to Red Rock. Irulan was lost, so she threw a map
at Gabe and said, "Tell me what's close to Red Rock!" Duhh, Irulan, obviously Red Rock is right next to
Red Bush, 1/4 mile away from Red Tree and Red Flower. Jeez, doesn't she know anything? And yes,
once the two got to Red Rock, they took some cheesy photos and (surprise) kissed a little more. At this
rate, I'm surprised there's any skin left on either of their lips.
During the next cluster of commercials, there was an ad for Real World Las Vegas that said, "Tune in - put a little
drama in your life!" Ha! Who is that commercial geared towards? A group of celibate monks in outer Mongolia? Because I'm
quite convinced even my elementary school's old librarian has more drama in her life than these boring snoozers.
Cut to Gabe lying smack dab on top of Irulan in bed. Irulan said, "I didn't anticipate you'd come here and make things harder on
me." While watching this scene, I got the sneaking suspicion that SOMETHING was hard, and it was a little more "on" Irulan
than she originally anticipated. Irulan then said, "It's complicated because Gabe needs to be supportive." Let's
be real (Pamela Anderson, please exit stage left): unless you're
Avril Levine and Gabe's a jock strap, just shut up because you're making less sense than Vanilla Sky.
And in the final scene of the night, after far too much kissing goodbye, Gabe hopped in a taxi and left. Irulan was crying. Her
life will surely end! Gosh,
what could be worse than his leaving
(other than finding out your mom secretly conceived you with a leftover batch of sperm from David Crosby, of course!)
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Brynn was nowhere to be found! Hallelujah! Stay tuned next week when
Alton is grossly homophobic and Trashelle gets jealous over Steven. Should be a REAL nailbiter!
(Please consider donating to this weekly column. A few bucks from a few people
will really help me tackle these obscenely huge monthly bandwidth charges. So if you're one of the thousands of readers
yet to donate, click that little Paypal button and give a little something back.
I'd be really really grateful. Click here
for an address if you prefer to send things through the mail. Send me a letter! I love letters.)
 |
THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Irulan. Why? Why not.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Irulan: "Alton and I are very platonic." Yeah, because I can often be found mounting my sister
in bed and shoving my tongue down her throat. Gag me with the hugest spoon possible!
|
|
|
|
