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EPISODE #1211 |
alternatively titled
Fear And Loathing (of Gay People) in Las Vegas |
Snore! |
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Another week... another 30 minutes of proof solidifying the fact that this season does in fact suck harder than Pamela
Anderson after three rounds of Jose Cuervo. The preview for this episode featured Trashelle saying, "Steven and I have
a really weird connection!" Sounds more like one
of those old Time Life book commercials than an interesting plot for a reality TV show. So, how weird will this connection
prove to be? Will Trashelle feel a numbing sensation in her crotch while, 5 miles away, Steven is getting a blow-job from
a strip hooker? Only time will tell.
The episode opened with the introduction of John, Steven's old-looking bald best friend from home. Steven told
everyone that John was gay, which wasn't exactly breaking news. As John was talking,
his hands were moving more than Michelangelo's whilst painting the Sistine Chapel. Sort of tipped us all off right
there.
Cut to a repulsive little montage of Steven and Trashelle making out. In the last clip, Steven was surfing the net when
Trashelle came and draped herself over his lap. Thankfully, Steven was too busy trying to figure out why his PC's
ejecting cup holder wouldn't open to pay any attention to her.
Next came a muffled and subtitled restaurant scene. What was with the obscene amount of subtitles on tonight's episode? Was
MTV getting complaints from bitter 80 year olds angry that they couldn't adequately hear the cast talking? I'm baffled. I heard
it all fine. But then again I DID just put some new Duracell's in my Miracle Ear...
Anyway, in the muffled restaurant scene, Steven told Trashelle, "I'm not using you. We're using each other." Let this be
a lesson to all you wanna-be Real Worlders:
USING SOMEONE: Not okay.
USING SOMEONE IF THEY'RE USING YOU BACK: You're golden!
Cut to a black and white slow-mo scene of Trashelle and Steven making out in the back of a limo. Who directed this fucking episode?
Ice Cube? What the hell is going on here. I'm not interested in seeing
this cast's version of "Come On Be My Baby Tonight," thankyouverymuch.
Back home, Alton said, "I thought John was cool until I heard he was gay. Then I started wondering if he was gonna
rush me in the bathroom." RUSH him? Who the hell does he think he is, Sigma Chi? And how many times do we have to watch
this same played out "I don't know any gay people" storyline? Seriously, it's more played out than David Hasselhoff's
mother's "Baywatch" CD.
Next, Irulan randomly blurted out that Brynn's dad was gay. And so, since that obviously made her the
end-all be-all authority on all things gay, Brynn took it upon herself to talk to Alton about his homophobia.
Alton actually said, "I'm scared of that whole culture, yo. I hate the thought of THEM people who aren't human."
Not human, eh? I guess THAT explains the video clip I saw on Inside Edition of Ellen DeGeneres and Harvey Fierstein
removing their own limbs and getting plugged into the Matrix for tuning up.
Alton, here's a loving tip straight to you courtesy of MTVixen Jill: SHUT THE FUCK UP, YO.
And so the muffled restaurant scene continued. Alton tried to explain why he was so homophobic by revealing that when
he was younger, he was "almost molested." Um, hi, Las Vegas Police? You're needed at The Palms because Alton has just
dropped yet another BOMB on the viewing public.
WE INTERRUPT THIS REVIEW TO BRING YOU THE INNER WORKINGS OF JILL'S MIND WHILST WRITING THIS REVIEW:
Make a joke? Don't make a joke? What if he WAS really almost molested? That's not really funny. It sort of sucks ass.
But then again, he IS
an ignorant asshole and COULD be lying and using this story as a crutch. Should I make a joke out of it?
I'm hungry. I really wish I had a bag of Cheetoes.
Oh, shit, I DO have Cheetoes. But they're downstairs. Do I really want to go downstairs? And if I eat
the Cheetoes, I'll be thirsty and I have nothing to drink. I really have to go grocery shopping. Alton.
What the hell is "ALMOST molested" anyways? Hmm. I wish I had a Pepsi right now.
AND NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED REVIEW.
After the commercial break, the roommates went to the bar. Steven started talking to some random girl because he was
"starved for conversation." Aw, what's wrong? Frank's grown tired of hearing your story about the time your mother
walked in on you measuring your dick? What a terd! Trashelle sure was pissed off! She just stood there, mouth open wider
than a boa constrictor's while trying to snarf down one of the Olsen twins.
Once they were back home, my roommate pointed out to me that Frank picked up something out of their dirty sink and ATE IT. I
didn't believe it, because, why, only someone who would take a dump in the middle of a living room would do something as gross
as that. Err, wait. Nevermind.
Steven crept into Trashelle's bedroom and told her, "I don't think we should mess around anymore. It will be hard because
you're like a Lays potato chip." Really? Why's that, Steven? Because she leaves your hands feeling greasy and dirty? Because
she's so light and crispity when you bite down on her? Because "potato" rhymes with "ho?" Steven refused to quit while he was
ahead, and said, "I need you to eat lots of Oreos and look really ugly for the next four months." Oh, I don't think she'll need
the Oreos to accomplish that mission, LAMES BOND.
So much for that whole scene, because within five minutes, Steven was back in Trashelle's bed. Through the magic of more
captions, we know Trashelle said, "I don't have a condom!" and Steven replied, "That's okay!" Hey, you know what, I'm going
to jump out of this plane right now, but I don't have a parachute. But fuck it! It's okay! Bye! I'm going. I swear. Steven
said it was okay, so it must be.
Meanwhile, at the bar, some guy allegedly grabbed Alton's balls. Poof. Out of the blue. Just like that. Drinking, talking, laughing,
ball grab. Guys of today! They don't even buy you dinner first anymore!
But the real question at hand is: WHERE IS THE FUCKING FOOTAGE? Is there some mysterious footage of random Real World
fights and ball grabbing lost in the Bermuda Triangle section of MTV's cutting room floor? What the hell is going on?
Alton was pretty pissed off. He threatened to "knock out" the guy who did it, but please. Could my eyes BE any further in the back
of my head right now? Alton? Punch someone? That'd be like Julie Andrews making one of those obnoxious kids in Sound of Music
bend over so she could open her umbrella up their ass. Just wouldn't happen. Or would it? Cut to a commercial! Would Alton
beat up this guy? Will his balls recover? Did someone secretly replace Alton's coffee with a cup of Folger's Crystals?? Stay
tuned!
After the break, Alton was randomly telling a fat Hawaiian guy all about the ball grab and about how hard he was gonna
kick his ass. Did he? No. Instead we got some footage of Alton chasing a blurry-faced drunk boy around whose vocabulary included
only the word "yeah." Rivoting! Thanks, MTV!
Cut to Alton back home talking to John. The conversation was boring, but I DID notice that a huge chunk of flesh
seemed to have been ripped off of the top of Alton's right ear. Looks like Jack Frost's been nipping at a little more than
someone's nose, eh? I also noticed that Alton was wearing a t-shirt that said, "I was almost molested and had my balls grabbed and all
I got was this lousy t-shirt!" How fitting!
Next, Trashelle and Steven made a drunken agreement to "not sleep with anyone else." Excuse me.
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAHHHHHH HHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAH HHAHAAAAAAAA.
Thank you.
Cut to Alton telling Trashelle about a dream he had. He said, "I had this crazy dream, yo, that you were pregnant!" Oh, MTV,
such the clever little foreshadowers, aren't we? Why, with all those clever "I don't have a condom" nuances and those "this season
on the real world" shots of pregnancy boxes, how will we EVER figure out who gets knocked up?
Wow. And I had a hard time figuring out who killed Mr. Burns, but this, this is a real cliffhanger I'll tell ya!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Next week on the Real World? Who the hell knows! I didn't watch the previews. Oops.
(Come the hell on people! Crank these donations up a notch! Get into that grand
ol' holiday spirit of giving! I'm only $20 into December's bandwidth charges, for the love of all that is good and
holy! My parents don't believe people will actually give me money just because I write these reviews. My dogs look at me
funny while I'm swearing at my bandwidth bill. That can't be healthy. And if that random bitch can get her $20,000 or whatever
credit card bill completely paid, I sure would love to think I could get a dent put in these bandwidth charges!
But seriously, please do help out. No amount is too small.
Click
that little Paypal button and toss a few bucks at me to show your support.
I'd be really really grateful.
(ADDED NOTE: 3 PM wednesday and only two people have donated a total of $30! That's two people
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Alton. He referred to gay people as "them." Uh, what year is this? That's right, asshole, it's 2002. Get a clue.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Steven (to Trashelle): "I don't date girls as pretty as you." Open barf bag. Barf. Seal barf bag and dispose in the
nearest receptacle.
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