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EPISODE #1212 |
alternatively titled
Three Boring Segments, Two Skanky Hook-Ups, And A Partridge In A Pear Tree |
Two thumbs down. |
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Another week... another 30 minutes of crap. You know a show is bad when you spend more time wondering if you forgot
to add the fabric softener than getting involved with the storyline. Yep, this is Las Vegas, where the roommates
STOP being polite and start getting REALLY tedious.
The episode opened with the roommates at a strip club. Frank said, "I can't just look at the beautiful girls, I have to
talk to them." Yeah, we have a word for that: it's called COMMUNICATION. We humans engage in it all the time. Try it more
often, buddy. Frank seemed to hate the place. In fact, during his lapdance, his face turned redder than Santa's after mistakenly
delivering the video "Men In Back" to little Tommy Jones.
Frank then started going on and on about how he was determined to find a "decent girl" in Las Vegas. He said, "I want a
really nice girl who will cook me dinner and take care of me." Please. See that girl over there between that rock and
that hard place? Hate to burst your bubble, but she just might be the only one desperate enough to step into your
pathetic media-whoring world. (Well, either her or Anna Nicole Smith, but she might be too busy drawing horns on
Bobby Trendy posters to give you the time of day.)
Next, the roommates started talking about the upcoming theme party they'd be promoting at the club. I guess the batteries in my
Miracle Ear are fading, because I thought the party was called "RUST." I was like, "RUST? What are they gonna do, leave
a few bikes out in the rain for a few days and then ride them around the club in g-strings?" But no such luck. The theme party
was actually named "LUST." Irulan didn't want to participate because she didn't want to be "exploited or degraded." Psst,
honey, you're on the Real World. If exploitation and degredation aren't your thing, you should have tried out to be a
contestant on Double Dare.
Cut to Frank out promoting when, shazam, he meets Melanie, the poofy-haired girl of his dreams. Five minutes into their
conversation (Real World time, of course), Frank started talking about marriage. He said, "I don't want to have a bachelor
party and I don't care about strippers!" Yeah? And I stay clear of walnuts because they give me gas. My point? Yes, Alex,
I'll take "Things you don't tell a girl you've just met for $100, please."
Of course the two new lovebirds ran up to the Real World pad faster than Lisa Marie Presley could marry and ultimately
divorce another celebrity. Alton was sleeping, so they hit the confessional and made sure the cameras were rolling
to capture every minute of nauseating eskimo-nose footage. Melanie sat on his lap and said, "You're so cute!" and Frank
replied, "No, YOU'RE so cute!" Ugh, I wish I had a fork big enough to stick through both of their hearts, because they're SO
done.
And what's with a real world roommate finding yet ANOTHER slut willing to hook up with them after a five second
conversation? Are they just hanging out by the dumpster sorting through yesterday's trash in search of
their next hand-job?
Cut to Brynn accidentally walking into the confessional. When she saw people making out, she slammed the door and ran
down the hallway more excited than Wile E. Coyote the day his super-sized shipment of ACME dynomite arrived. She told
Steven, "Someone's hooking up in the confessional!" and by time she had made her way to Arissa, her story
changed to, "Someone's having sex in the confessional!" What the hell is this, some twisted game of Real World
telephone? Good thing Brynn didn't have to run to the lobby to tell anyone, because by then it would have been, "Someone's
doing position #63 of the Kama Sutra with a wild babboon, a potted plant, a sewing machine, and a can of mothballs
in the confessional!"
Arissa ran to the confessional door and screamed, "Whoever is in here having sex! Know this is a communal space,
take your skank asses out of here!" Funny, yes. But what was even funnier was the slow-mo repeating footage of
the door hitting Arissa in the forehead as Frank slammed the door shut. Glorious, I'll tell ya!
We returned from the commercial break to find Arissa standing watch outside the confessional. Steven took a moment
to analyze the situation for us and said, "It's like this - Arissa is just looking for things to be angry about." Ha!
This coming from a guy who thinks IRAN is something he did in 7th grade gym class! Watch out, Dr. Phil, you've
got a little competition!
Frank finally came out of the confessional and told Arissa, "We were just kissing!" Yeah, and Pee Wee Herman was "just doing
research" for an upcoming children's book. Get real. Frank walked his random hook-up outside and then told
Arissa, "Melanie was really frightened by this!" Frightened? What
the hell is with this girl? I'd hate to see how she'd hold up if something REALLY scary were to go down... like if she
were to witness Michael Jackson without his doctor's mask. The horror!
In her Oscar-clip of the night, a tearful Arissa apologized to Frank and admitted that she was a hothead. Frank later
told the confessional, "She realizes she was wrong. I don't need to rub her face in the dirt." And to that I made this
plea: Rub away, Frank! Rub like you've never rubbed before! Rub like Melanie was rubbing you in the confes.... uh.. err...
you get the point.
Cut to a work-related meeting about the LUST party. Brynn wasn't there - she was off galavanting with her friend Josh.
Brynn told him, "I'm not sure what's been going on at work because I haven't been paying attention." What, too busy
wondering how the little man who lives in the fridge is able to turn the light on and off without ever being seen, are we?
Next the roommates went to pick up their costumes. Trashelle picked out a slutty nurse's costume that left half
of her ass free to flap around in the crisp night air. Please, like I'm surprised? That's like being surprised Bobby
Brown was arrested yet again. But I digress. Alton also put on a nurse's costume, complete with a blonde wig. Arissa
said, "Alton is the ugliest woman I've ever seen!" Apparently, Arissa's never seen Oprah Winfrey without make-up:
Cut to Irulan tattle-taling to their boss, Marc, about Brynn's lack of participation: "We're not a team! One
person is not working! And also, Bobby took my Kiddy Karry-all and hid her in Tiger's dog house!" Blow me. Didn't
Cindy Brady teach you anything? No one likes a tattle tale. Well, that, and pigtails don't look good on you once
you're over age SIX.
After the commercial break, Arissa was randomly on the phone apologizing to Melanie for her psychotic behavior.
Nothing remarkable about this conversation except for the annoying number of times Arissa used the word
"utterly."
Frank then grabbed the phone and said, "Hey, Mel, if you ever get bored just hop on a plane and come to Vegas."
Wow, thank God Frank threw that suggestion for what to do when bored out there! And to think, I've just been
playing Yhatzee all this time! What a brilliant man he is! Why, in fact,
I won't have anything to do after I write this review. It'll be midnight, and I'll be
mighty bored. I think I'm just gonna hop on a plane, fly to his hometown, and beat him over the head with a fruitcake
left over from last Christmas. Fun? 10! Boredom? 0!
Cut to the LUST theme party. The turnout was absolutely terrible. Wouldn't you know it? It seems all the cool people
went somewhere else. Three fat guys in the corner cheered as nurse Wratchet Trashelle gave Frank an
exam. Irulan just ran around taking pictures like she was Annie Leibovitz - minus the talent and oversized
Sally Jesse Raphael glasses.
After the show, Trashelle exclaimed, "Somebody buy me a drink!" Uh, hello, idiotic SKANK, you may be pregnant. It's called
pre-natal care. Jesus Christ. I want to use this girl's head to stroke an oversized gong.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Next week on the Real World? Arissa yells at Steven, and the roommates appear to be
sitting in front of a random bonfire. How rivoting.
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Trashelle. Even with her 4 minutes of footage, she managed to make me want to kick her in the shins with the
pointiest pair of cowboy boots available to me.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Arissa: "There is no team. There are people who do work, people who don't work, and people who kind of work."
Duh, asshole, doesn't that encompass EVERYONE????
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