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EPISODE #1213 |
alternatively titled
Arissa "Chooses To Live" While Rest of America "Chooses To Laugh" |
Team Build THIS! |
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Another week... another series of poignant Real World crises. I'm not sure which was more upsetting to watch - tonight's
episode, or the Mariah Scary special on right before it. I happened to catch her belting out "Make It Happen" and found
myself wondering just which jiggles more? Mariah's triceps or Santa's belly after snarfing down that 5th Krispy Kreme whilst
on a
bumpy and turbulent trans-atlantic flight? The choice is yours. And might I add that even with a sarcastic review, I would
never be able to do complete justice to just how lame and pathetic tonight's episode was. And now, having said
that...
The episode opened with Arissa telling Steven how fed up she
was that no one in the house wants to work. She said, "I've been working
since I was fourteen!" Yeah. And let me guess. She also had to walk 19 miles to school every day. Uphill. In the snow. With no
shoes. On a gravel road that wore her nubby feet down to the bone. Give me a friggin' break here!
Working since she was 14? Please. I hardly think the haircutting shop she set up for all her
Barbies and My Little Ponies constitutes working.
Steven cut to the chase and said, "You bitch too much. There have been times I didn't want to come home because you would
have yelled at me for something I did." Well, in all fairness to Arissa, I too would have yelled if Steven stole
my brand new corn-cob hat because he was convinced it would make his snowman come alive. I mean, come on. How much can one person take?
Apparently, Arissa was pissed off by that comment, because all we heard for the next 15 seconds were censor bleeps. I
momentarily thought I fell into a wormhole that thrust me 30 minutes into the future - smack dab in the middle of an
Osbournes episode. No such luck. It was just one of the lamest and most inexplicable Real World arguments ever.
Next, the roommates hopped into the car and drove to Agitating Anne's house for the all-day team building workshop. Steven
said, "I'm looking forward to it. It's something new to do." Hey moron, want something new to do? How about this?
WASH YOUR FUCKING HAIR.
You've got a gel build-up so severe that even Edward Scissorhands wouldn't even be able to run his fingers through
your hair.
So there they were, sitting on lawnchairs in Annoying Anne's back yard. Anne said, "This is going to be very tough
training. You'll get to a point where you'll want to leave." Very tough? Who the hell does this woman
think she's training? The most recent class of Green Beret hopefuls? Rocky Balboa for his rematch with Ivan Drago?
Or perhaps even Julia Robert's dentist? Tough training my ASS! I've literally had trips
to the supermarket that were "tougher" than what I saw tonight (hey, you try having a dazed housewife roll her
overstuffed carriage over your foot as she raced past you to grab the last frozen turkey. It's not pleasant.)
And yes, the first team building skill was (drumroll please): The trustfall. Yep! Score ZERO originality points for
Asinine Anne! Anne then said, "You're going to have the adrenaline rush of your lifetime!" Uh, I'm so sure. I've
had bigger adrenaline rushes after inadvertently swallowing minute amounts of Listerine. Personally, I'm thinkin'
Anne needs to try a
little harder to hype up this lame
activity, because I still have about another 9 inches to go
until I'm on the edge of my seat.
Arissa refused to complete the activity, saying, "I'm not gonna jump
into the arms of 6 people I can't even
trust to clean the kitchen sink." Hey Arissa, did you know there was a country in Africa called ZIPIT? Besides,
there are far more important things in this world to worry about... like, for example, who'd make a better wife
to Uncle Ben? Aunt Jemima or the recently widowed Mrs. Butterworth? My vote is for Aunt Jemima, since the two
could spend hours sharing stories about their pesky neices and nephews, but feel free to discuss amongst yourselves.
During the commercial break, Arissa must have consumed a Costco-sized box of Wheaties, because she somehow found the
strength to jump into her roommates' arms. Everyone was clapping and whooing and cheering. So, either they were proud of
Arissa for completing the task, or Steven made a breakthrough and finally realized the Keebler Elves
aren't the ones making his favorite E.L. Fudge cookies.
Cue the dramatic
mood music, for Abhorrent Anne threw the roommates into a dark room and told them to pretend they were on a ship
that was sinking... with only one life boat big enough to hold only one person (the horror!) In this monumentally lame
activity, the roommates had to choose the one person
they wanted to live, and walk up to the other 6 rejects and scream the words
"YOU DIE" in their faces. Just then, Celine Dion ran into the room, pounded her chest a few times with her fist, and belted out
the last verse of "My Heart Will Go On." She then mysteriously disappeared. What does it mean!
Long story short, Arissa was chosen to "live." Trashelle said, "Arissa hasn't been alive for
22 years. This is her chance." Honey,
drift back in time to a little period called KINDERGARTEN. Learn the difference
between things that are living and things that are
not. And learn some friggin' innocence while you're at it. Take Steven with you, because you two have more wear on you
than my car's nearly bald tires. Skanks.
Next, Anguish-inducing Anne made the roommates spew out some crap about how they wanted to be remembered after their
fake deaths aboard the imaginary sinking ship. Steven said, "I want everyone to remember me for who I became in the last
years of my life." Yeah? Who's that, a 20 year old man with the mentality of a sea sponge, who already has
failed at marriage and knocked up some chick? How worthy of remembrance!
Arissa then said, "Each of you has tought me a valuable lesson about what it is to genuinely care about people." What's
next? Are these fucking people going to sit around in a circle and sing Kum Ba Ya? If so,
someone, anyone, run to your kitchen and proceed to gag me with the hugest spoon available.
After the commercial break, Anne said to Arissa, "You've been given a huge responsibility by being chosen to live. What
are you going to do? Write it down!" Through the magic of digital zoom, I am proud to be able to bring you Arissa's list:
Cut to Anne telling the roommates, "Look over there! It's the Carpathia! The rescue ship! You're all still alive!"
Ooooh, what a roller coaster! To think I had actually spent the last 20 minutes of my life wondering which family I'd
send flowers to first! Good thing Anne broke this news when she did, because while watching the episode
back home, Steven's father probably already started making funeral arangements. Hey, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Next came some vomit-worthy footage of the roommates feeling sorry for themselves. This whole episode felt more like
a group trip to a friggin' grief counselor than a group team building exercise. These people are more screwed up
than the Hubble telescope. Alton was still pining over his
brother's death, and Trashelle was crying over her dead mother. She said, "I don't feel worthy of going to my
mother's grave." Just then, Wayne and Garth ran into the room, dropped to their knees, laughed, and
screamed "You're not worthy! You're not worthy!" They then disappeared even more mysteriously than Celine Dion.
Finally (and might I say THANK GOD), the team building activity was over. Anne said, "Look at the faces of your teammates
and how those faces have changed in the past 8 hours." Anne, darling, unless they've spent the last 8 hours being
tweaked by Michael Jackson's surgeons, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say their faces are looking pretty damned
identical. And don't go patting yourself on the back just yet. These media whores
might all be loving each other now, but wait 'till they get home and Arissa tries to steal Frank's last
piece of pizza out of the sink. All hell will break loose! Fuck the one life boat! Arissa's goin' DOWN.
And just when I thought the episode was finally over, Anne made the roommates join hands and scream (FOUR times): "I
am strong, I am powerful, I overcame, I love this team!" Sounds more like a Gloria Gaynor disco tune than a positive
affirmation. This Anne chick has been watching far too much SNL. What's next? Making the roommates stick their
hands under their armpits and scream "I'm good enough and people like me!" ... (sniffff)?
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Next week on the Real World? Trashelle is knocked up. Shocker!
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Arissa. You know that old saying "cry me a river?" Bitch could have single-handedly created the Mississippi from
tonight's episode alone.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Every single solitary word that came out of Agitating Anne's mouth. End of story.
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