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EPISODE #1214 |
alternatively titled
The Brynn and Austin Show |
Trash Not Pregnant! |
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Another week... another episode of the Real World.
This week's episode started off with Brynn inviting some guy named MO over to the house. Five minutes
later, he showed up alone.
Apparently Larry and Curly were too busy beating each other over the head with shovels to make an appearance.
After a few brief scenes of Brynn revealing to Mo what an emotional mutant she is, the two made their way back up
to the Real World pad. Trashelle summed it up nicely by saying, "Mo is precious, but I think Brynn is just looking
for a pastime right now." Crikies! Can't she just turn on a Red Sox game like the rest of us?
In the next scene, Trashelle looked into the bathroom mirror and said, "Yuck." End of joke, as that summed things
up nicely!
She then scampered into bed with Steven and said, "I'm gonna throw up." So MTV either wants us to think that she's pregnant,
or that she just ate a contaminated rack of lamb on a Carnival Fun Ship. The choice is yours.
Cut to the girls eating lunch and talking about Trash's potential pregnancy. Brynn then admitted she had an abortion
awhile ago
because she "wasn't ready" to have a baby. Please. What a freak. In fact, I'm surprised she hasn't gotten herself
knocked up purposefully just so her nipples could get a little more action.
In the next scene, one of Brynn's hometown hookups (named Austin) arrived in Vegas. Brynn said, "I'm taking Irulan
down to meet him with me just in case it's not cool." Not cool? What the hell do you think he's
gonna do, tie you up in the lobby and
force you to watch Solaris? Give me a break.
Of course, any budding Real World relationship gives birth to a "makeout montage," which is precisely what we were
treated to after the first set of commercials. Brynn and Austin drinking vats of beer. Brynn and Austin playing with huge
birds. Brynn and Austin laughing in slow motion. Brynn and Austin walking past a Mexican restaurant
saying, "Ooh, fajitas!" Brynn and Austin writing
swears on a muddy casino floor with a Swiffer Wet-Jet. Oh boy, the fun just seemed to go on and on.
Cut to the Irulan in the confessional talking about Trashelle. She said, "If Trashelle is pregnant, that's nothing any
of us are prepared to handle!" That's the understatement of the year, considering these seven morons probably still
get a kick out of making the word BOOBIES appear on a calculator. Irulan also said, "Steven as a father? Give me a
break!" Exactly. Steven shouldn't be a father until the Jewish people can agree on a way to spell Hanukkah (translation?
NEVER.)
Cut to Brynn and Austin having dinner. Brynn said, "I feel like you're really into me." That's it! Qualification for
a husband met! Austin then said, "You sucked me in," and Brynn replied, "I know, I'm like a sand pit from hell." Yeah,
she's from hell alright... her and that lady who sells TOVA makeup on QVC (have you seen this wretched beast? The horror!)
Next, Steven and Trashelle were talking about what it would be like to be parents. Steven excitedly said, "I could
definitely handle a child!" Wow, with all that enthusiasm, somebody should slap a Salvation Army uniform on him,
plant a bell in his hand, and stick him in front of a Wal-Mart. He'd make a killing. But I digress. Steven then
continued by saying, "I'd be a good father. I am very free with love." Oh calm down, Daddy Whorebucks. That night you made out
with 19 girls at the bar will hardly win you your local radio station's cheesy Father Of The Year award.
Back at the house, Austin and Brynn were peacefully having sex when, bam! No, Emeril didn't arrive to throw salt
on them and cram them in a 375-degree oven... something even more upsetting happened. Irulan brought Mo over to the house.
But, after a few moments of being more stressed out than an iron chef after the mystery ingredient was revealed to be plutonium,
Brynn decided it would be fun for everyone to go out to the bar together.
((And of course, since this IS the "real world," the gang was transported to the bar in one of the biggest stretch
limos in Vegas. Because that is, of course, how the majority of 20-somethings travel.))
Once at the bar, Austin was so far up Brynn's ass that he could easily have mapped out the path her intestines took through
her torso. Meanwhile, that loser MO was standing in the corner by himself doing the white man's shuffle. It wasn't
pretty. A few moments later, when Brynn saw Irulan hanging all over Mo, she threw a hissy fit and made Austin take her
home. (Can this bitch be for real? What's next? Hyperventilating because a seagull flew along and ate the half-eaten
burger she threw out her car window at McDonalds? Please, morph into some Polydent and get a fucking grip.)
Back home, the whole issue was resolved faster than Poland Spring's jingle could convince you their water was really
from "Maine." Brynn shed a few tears, said she was sorry for being a jealous, annoying, immature wretch, and that
was that. Good Lord. This girl's life has more ups and downs than the chorus of a Mariah Carey tune.
Cut to a shot of Austin outside playing his guitar and singing. And voila! The reason he decided to come visit Brynn
has been revealed! Lord knows every guitar playing mediawhore in a 500 mile radius would try to get with one of the
real worlders for a chance to get their music heard. After his song ended, Brynn hugged him and his guitar went crashing
to the floor faster than Whitney Houston's career after marrying Bobby Brown. And while this all was
happening, somewhere in America, Dave Matthews clutched his hand to his chest and collapsed, too flabbergasted to
make it to the phone to call for help.
The next day, Steven and Frank went out to buy Trashelle an EPT pregnancy test (except in this case, EPT obviously
stands for Everyone Phucks Trashelle.) When Steven said how pretty their child would be (please, refrain from
laughing until the end of the sentence), Frank replied, "Yeah, it'd be a pretty kid but you both are as dumb as rocks."
(Feel free to resume laughter.)
In typical MTV fashion, they built up Trashelle's potential pregnancy for 6 weeks, and then let the whole thing come to
a culmination in 4 seconds. Trashelle told Steven, "I took the pregnancy test and I'm not pregnant."
Christ, MTV, take some fucking direction from Alfred Hitchcock, because this storyline was about
as suspenseful as in a Verizon Wireless commercial (Ooooh! I wonder if they can hear him now! Or now, even though he's
walking through that tunnel!)
And in the final scene of the night, Brynn was on the phone with Austin. I guess they made some sort of agreement to be
exclusive, because Brynn told the roommates, "We're officially together now, like boyfriend and girlfriend!" She then
skipped off to groom the pink mane on her My Little Pony, and to write B+A TLF on her Lite Brite.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Next week on the Real World? Arissa's boyfriend comes to visit, and they get into
a bar-room brawl. Say it with me: RIVOTING!
(Donation stats: $22 bucks last week. Bah humbug! I know it's the holidays and all, but if you can,
please consider donating a few bucks to help keep this website alive. Many thanks in advance.)
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Brynn. Start speaking with the first shrink that agrees to take your case.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Brynn: "I'm like a sand pit from hell." Funny, eliminate the words "like a sand pit" and she'd have that one nailed.
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