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EPISODE #1215 |
alternatively titled
Dario Comes To Town. What Fun! |
How rivoting. |
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Another week... another episode of the Real World.
This week's episode started off with Arissa announcing that her boyfriend, Dario, would be coming to town.
On the phone, she told him, "My hair is SO gorgeous! My Farrah is back!" Well, if by "Farrah" she was referring to
the disheveled mop of dry-looking hay that sat atop her pointy head, then yup! The Farrah was indeed back. And
might I add that moments after Arissa uttered those words, somewhere in the country Ms. Fawcett was on the phone
with her hairdresser scheduling an urgent appointment.
Arissa then said, "The first time I saw Dario he was 15, and he lied to me and told me he was 18." Other lies
Dario told to Arissa with a straight face?
1) "Arissa, you look beautiful today!"
2) "Honey, there's NOTHING wrong with your voice."
3) "No, of course I don't think it's weird that you once had sex with a llama."
Cut to Irulan pitching a tent in the middle of the living room. She said,
"I gotta sleep here! I can't sleep in the boys' room because Frank farts."
Oh please, honey. By the looks of the foods that Arissa's been puttin' in her mouth, she farts too. And you believed her
when she told you that late-night smell was just a teddy-bear she spilled milk on when she was 7?
Stop being so gullible.
Cut to Arissa downstairs pumping quarters into random slot machines. Some bells and whistles went off as approximately
FOUR quarters plunked down into her hands. She screamed, "I AM A WINNER!" with the enthusiasm of Jack McFarland
after snagging backstage passes to a Cher concert. Arissa then explained, "I have to win because Dario needs a new pair
of shoes!" Hey, here's a thought: Let Dario buy his OWN fucking shoes. Better yet, let Dario buy a pair of shoes
instead of a one way plane ticket to media-whoredom.
A concerned Irulan approached Arissa and said, "You shouldn't have dumped $100 into that machine. Your luck will
run out. That's why casinos do so well." And at that very moment, every Mashantucket Pequot in Connecticut held
their breath, hoping Irulan's powerful, revealing words wouldn't prevent Bill Gates from ever visiting Foxwoods Casino
again. And what the hell is up with Irulan, anyway? Last time I checked she wasn't the fucking president of the
National Council on Problem Gambling. Maybe she should move along and tackle all those chain-smoking bastardly
old ladies who hide behind those oversized potted plants, watching for the minute you leave the slot machine
so they can slide in and win your money! Bastards!
Before Irulan stepped down from a soapbox so large that it would have easily intimidated the Jolly Green Giant (ho
ho ho), she said, "Arissa, I'm shocked at your behavior because you were taught how to manage your money. I wasn't."
Another key life-lesson Irulan wasn't taught? The "Know When You're Coming Off Like A Preachy Bitch... And Then
Shut The Fuck Up Before You Get Punched So Hard That Your Nose Swells Up And Engulfs Your Nosering"
lesson. Yes indeedy. Very, very crucial.
The next day, or whenever, Arissa and Irulan were outside waiting for Dario to arrive. Irulan said, "The second
he walks out of that cab, all of your stress will be gone." PLEASE. Who the hell does she think this guy is, the god
damned Dali Lama? "Yes my child, fear not, for with one touch of my thumb to your forehead, you will forget the fact that
after this show airs, every waitress will hock a lugie in your Diet Coke before serving it to you. Now. Tell the
Dali. Don't you feel better?"
Arissa then told the confessional, "Dario couldn't have come at a better time. I need him to hold me more than I need
air." Um, unless she's secretly morphed into a chunk of limestone, I'd say that's the biggest exaggeration I've
heard since Roger Ebert dubbed "The Postman" a "mediocre film."
Irulan cut in to say, "Alton is just a cool person. Whatever he does is cool. I just gotta make sure I'm cool." Good
lord. Enough with the "COOL." Go get a friggin' job installing air conditioners if it's
that important to you. Just leave us out of it.
Cut to Irulan climbing into her makeshift living room tent. Moments later, Alton climbed in with her. There was
touching involved. Hmm. Why do I think Irulan wasn't the only one to pitch a tent that night?
We returned from the first commercial break in time to listen in on one of Irulan and Gabe's obnoxious
phonecalls. Irulan explained to him, in a baby-talk accent so thick even a youthful Albert Einstein would have
been straining to follow, "Being with Alton is like being in your arms and feeling a nice manly energy." A
nice manly energy? Please. Mr. Clean emits a "nice manly energy." Tony the Tiger emits a "nice manly energy."
But ALTON? He emits "energy that's barely manly."
Next it was time for the over-rated club fight scene between Arissa and some chick who called her
a bitch after she thought Arissa pushed her. (PSST: In reality, Jack Daniels did the pushing, and Johnny Walker did the
name calling. Captain Morgan just stood in the back, trying to feel up girls' boobs with his hook-hand
without drawing blood.)
So what happened? Nothing. There was struggling. There was pushing. But thankfully, there were 5 fat bald
security guys (presumably all named "Steve") on hand
from the set of Jerry Springer who were able to pull the rabid girls off of each other. But fear not - after
a few tears, everything was A-OK. Arissa and Dario went home and had sex. Boy. That Arissa.
She takes a lickin and keeps on, well, lickin, judging from the steamy footage.
Next - some commercials. I could NOT let the commercial of the scary Asian man dressed up as Syphilis go without
a mention.
WHAT the fuck was up with that?
There. Mentioned it. Feel much better. And now on with the review.
After the break came a subtitled conversation between Dario and Arissa. Now for the life of me I don't
understand why MTV felt the need to subtitle this. It's like, hi, I didn't fucking go deaf over the past 3 minutes. What's
your damage? But I digress. Arissa said, "I don't know how to trust people!" and Dario replied, "Change. Just do it!"
Ah yes. This conversation brought to you by the fine folks at NIKE.
The next morning, we were treated to a shot of Arissa sleeping all curled up in bed with her head on Dario's butt.
What's up with that? Surely his bony ass isn't more restful or comfortable than the Sealy Posturpedic provided to
the roommates. But maybe Folgers was wrong. Maybe the best part of waking up ISN'T Folgers in your cup. Maybe
the best part of waking up is having your boyfriend's unshowered dirty ass in your face. Who knew?
Next, Arissa met with Marc. She said, "I'm so nauseous!" So... what does that tell us? Either she's afraid
she's gonna get fired, or she and Dario just got done watching The Perfect Storm. On a waterbed. With a strobe light on.
The choice is yours.
Wouldn't you know it? Arissa didn't get fired, she just got a "written warning." A thankful and regrettable Arissa later
told Alton, "I either have to take anger management classes, or never leave the house again." Yes Alex, I'll take "Pouporri"
- no, wait, make that "Never Leave The House Again" for $2000, please.
And as Arissa was saying goodbye to Dario, the lamest song lyrics ever used by MTV filled
the air:
"I was walking down the scary boulevard
Is this Las Vegas or is it Mars?
Are these MTV exec's THAT desperate to cram a song with the words "Las Vegas" into their show that they'd actually
air such crap? Step AWAY from the fucking bong, guys. "Duuude,
I bet when those astronaut-dudes land on Mars, they'll think they're in Vegas! Because right
now *I* think I'm on Mars!
Oooh, look over there! A hooker! I bet there are tons of those on Mars! Dude, *I* wanna go to Mars!"
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Next week on the Real World? Who the hell knows? I don't!
Before leaving, please consider donating to help keep these Real World reviews alive. This is not available as
an obligation, but as an opportunity should you deem it worthy. Happy holidays, and thanks for your
support! -MTVixen Jill
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Take your pick of Irulan or Arissa. They're the same damn person anyway, so what does it matter.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Irulan: "Alton and I love each other in a non-sexual way." Honey, you grabbed his DICK. Any more sexual and you'd
be leading a Kama Sutra class to a team of pornstars.
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