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EPISODE #1216 |
alternatively titled
Alton's Killer Penis Strikes Again |
Who the hell is Mikey? |
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Another week... another episode of the Real World. Very brief review this week as nothing happened on
tonight's show.
This week's episode started off with Irulan opening a package from her mother. Apparently it was her birthday, since she
mentioned it one time for every burger ever sold by McDonalds (and by the way, I use the term "burger" very loosely.) She received
a silver bracelet, a pair of rollerblades, and several pairs of striped thong underwear. Brynn bitterly watched her rifling
through the gifts, obviously jealous because her mother only sent her a half empty box of Cracker Jacks for her birthday with
a note that read, "What, you thought I'd leave the prize in the box? Dream on!"
Enter Irulan's dweeby friend, Mikey (and for the newcomers, I'll mention my complete disdain for males over 12
who add an "-ey" to the
end of their name. Oh, it's up there with the words "tude," "rents," and "nipple.")
Irulan held up her thong underwear and Mikey flashed a grin of approval. Know what that means? Hey Mikey! He likes it!
(Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
Irulan ran to Alton to show off her new rollerblades and, within moments, the two were holding hands and skating away in a random
parking lot. Of course, Alton had to show off and skate backwards the entire way. Psst... hey, Alton... we know you think you're all
that and a bag of chips. But the reality of it all is
those chips are made with Olene and cause severe stomach cramping and diarrhea. Translation: Get your dick out
of your hand and start skating like a normal person.
Cut to Alton talking to Irulan. He said, "I've never had casual sex, and I'm very proud of that." Suddenly and without
warning, John Edward appeared on set and said, "Fess up, bitch, because I've got 28 entities telling me otherwise.
I'm getting something about... a bowling pin? And what's all this about a guinea pig and an empty paper towel roll?"
He then mysteriously disappeared. What does it mean?
Alton ended the conversation with Irulan by saying, "I'm so glad you're here. You're such a special person." And at that very
moment, several Hallmark cardmakers made a mad dash for their notebooks to write down Alton's incredibly original
verbage. Look for the card to hit shelves around Valentine's Day.
Why not? Every other tacky card hits the shelves around Valentines Day.
Alton lit some incense and proceeded to climb into bed with Irulan. She told the confessional, "Alton and I have
been sharing a bed together but it hasn't gone farther than kissing and cuddling and whatever." Ladies and gentlemen,
please do read the fine print for the word "whatever" for legal purposes:
The term "whatever" can be taken to mean: booby feeling, penis rubbing, cunnilingus, auto-fellatio, analingus,
auxiliary intercourse, Basket shopping, Candy making, Daisy chaining, dry humping, Flagellation, golden showering,
pearl diving, pocket pooling, rimming, sixty-nining, Urolagnia, and/ or vacuum cleaning.
The next morning, Alton woke up to the phone ringing. It was Gabe. Alton casually said, "Oh, uh, isn't it Irulan's
birthday today? Yeah, uh, I haven't seen her yet!" Wow. And I thought it impossible for anyone to be worse at lying
than that Joe Millionaire moron. ("Uh, err, my middle name is, uh, hmm... Elder! And I ride horses every day!")
That morning, Alton and Mikey took Irulan bungee jumping. Mikey said, "I wish Gabe were here, he'd love this!" Of course the
camera zoomed in on Alton, who looked more uncomfortable than a piece of Dentyne in Garth Brooks' back pocket. All he could
do was look on as Irulan jumped, and scream, "Come on down!" Please. Unless she's the next contestant on The Price Is Right,
kindly shut the fuck up.
Mikey, who had more air time than the other 5 castmembers put together, said, "This is what makes birthdays memorable, sticking
your head in." Hey Mikey, the only thing you've been sticking your head in is your own ass. Do us all a favor and leave it
in there until 2004, okay?
Mikey and Alton dropped Irulan off at home and went out to buy her a birthday gift. Mikey said, "When I see
you with Irulan I feel a little weird." So what does that tell us? Either he feels bad Irulan is cheating on Gabe, or
he is afraid Alton and Irulan saw him dry humping their television set when Christina Gagulera's "Dirrty" video came on. The choice is
yours.
Alton ended up getting Irulan flowers, which apparently impressed Arissa more than it did Irulan. Arissa congratulated him
and said, "Cheers to you for such a great gift!" Come on! They were flowers, not chunks of gold freshly lifted from the
Franklin Mint! So unless there was a key to a brand new Lexus SUV buried in all those flowers, I don't get what all the fuss
was about.
Later that night at Rain, Alton spotted some girl named Carrie who he's been trying to nail for weeks. While the two were
talking, good ol' Mikey carried Irulan upstairs and patiently waited outside the bathroom door while she barfed, all the while
looking more disturbed than Eminem whilst trying to find a word that rhymes with "month."
Meanwhile, Alton had already gotten Carrie upstairs and in his bed. And within 5 minutes, his clothes were off and the bed
covers were up over their heads. So either they were having sex, or B&M forgot to pay the heating bill that month. The choice
is yours. And mysteriously,
moments later, Nora Jones' voice filled the air... "I don't know why I didn't come..."
The next morning, Steven and Trashelle awoke to the shock of their lives: No, they hadn't suddenly become cool. Steven
said, "I woke up to a naked Alton with his balls hanging out. Alton has the largest penis in the world." Yep. File that under
T for "Things I DEFINITELY could have gone to my grave without knowing." Rest easy tonight, everyone, for we are all filled
with the knowledge that Alton has a large penis. But maybe... just maybe... it seemed so large in comparison to Steven's
miniscule penis.
Alton accompanied the skank on her "Walk Of Shame" to the elevator. This girl (a teacher by trade) could not get out of there fast enough, and actually
hid in the corner of the elevator so the cameras couldn't see her face. Boy, and you thought kids would have had a field day
with a teacher named "Mr. Gross!"
PENCILS: $2.53
NOTEBOOKS: $4.23
BOX OF CRAYONS: $6.34
FINDING OUT YOUR TEACHER WHORED HERSELF OUT TO MR. MONSTER PENIS ON NATIONAL TV: Priceless!
Cut to Steven talking to Frank. Steven said, "Everyone in the house knows about Alton's girl but Irulan!" No, nothing
particularly funny about that. But what was absolutely hysterical was the creamy, white jizz-lookin' substance smeared all over
Frank's face while he was standing there. Moisturizer? Or was Carrie not the only one who got a piece of Mr. Monster Penis last
night! The horror!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Next week on the Real World? Trashelle and Frank start gettin' jiggy wit it.
Before leaving, please consider donating to help keep these Real World reviews alive. This is not available as
an obligation, but as an opportunity should you deem it worthy. It's a new month, which brings new bandwidth bills.
As always, thanks for your
support! -MTVixen Jill
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Alton. Skating backwards, declaring he's never had casual sex, carrying on and on about Irulan. Want to lock
him in a room with Freddy Kreuger.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Alton: "I've never had casual sex and I'm very proud of that, because that would compromise my integrity." Is he
fucking KIDDING! Pinocchio, I think I've found someone you need to speak with regarding the dangers of lying...
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