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EPISODE #1217 |
alternatively titled
Australia: The Token Season Trip [aka RETURN OF THE SKIS!] |
Who the hell is Jessica! |
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Another week... another episode of the Real World. Anyone else out there watch the show "24" right before Real World?
The excitement of that show just makes the dull, boring agony inflicted upon us by the Vegas cast is just SO much worse.
(Oh, and I never did trust Sheri or Marie, those bitches! Er, wait. Wrong review.)
This week's episode started off with yet another random person, Jessica, talking to Steven about his ex-wife. Steven
said, "My ex was my only real friend. Now I'm learning how to make friends."
Great! He's making progress! Now, as soon
as he learns his favorite cartoon animals will never
be able to bring about world peace via a "Care Bear Stare," we'll be all set.
Cut to a drunk Steven telling Trashelle he loves her whilst copping a feel of her left breast. Ah, isn't that
romantic? Nothing like love Real World style, telling some chick you love her just because your penis
is more blown up than an oversized bean in the "rejected" pile at the Goya warehouse.
Trashelle would have to be an idiot to believe it, too. Steven would
say anything to a girl just to get a piece of ass, much like Bob Vila would say anything to a clerk at Home Depot just to get his
hands on an ultra-rare attachment for a Dremel Power Tool. See my point?
Frank later told Steven, "You told her you loved her? That's the worst thing I ever heard!" Obviously Frank's
never listened to a Michael Bolton album. Talk about agony on the ears. And don't even get me started on his hair.
Cut to the roommates doing what looked like aquatic jazzercize for the elderly and/or arthritic in the hallway.
Just when I was thinking to myself that the act looked like a rehashed version of the previous "ski act," we were treated
to a shot of Brynn and Arissa - on skis - flailing around like a drunken Michael Flatly. Really, if they looked any
gayer, they'd be Siegfried and Roy's fannypacks.
Cut to the boss, John, saying, "We have to look good doing this!" Johnny boy, you'd have an easier time trying to teach
Boxing Helena how to eat with chopsticks. Do yourself a favor. Make like you're Mike Tyson's trainer and throw in the towel,
mmk?
John proceeded to hand out information packets to the roommates, and within moments, they all began cheering and
clapping louder than First Lady Laura Bush the first time George Jr. pronounced "Afghanistan" correctly.
As it turns out, the gang found out they'd be going to Australia to perform at the Contiki resort. Brynn said, "I'm so happy
we're going, but I'm upset because I only have two days to pack!" TWO DAYS? Jesus Christ. Unless you're planning on packing
enough food to adequately feed Sally Struthers and all of her starving children for weeks to come, what the hell is the problem?
Throw some clothes in a bag and shut the hell up, brat.
After the break, Steven tried to let Trashelle down easily. He started off by talking about his failed relationship like
some retarded reject from that "miracle" show on Pax TV. Then he said,
"I am no good right now. I am not in a place where I can date anybody." Just then, Bugs Bunny mysteriously appeared on
set and said, "You shouldn't have taken that left turn at Albuquerque. Then you wouldn't be in this place. And what's
with Carrot-Top? Is he edible?" He then mysteriously disappeared.
Cut to Steven on the phone. He screamed, "MAMMMAAA!" in a voice so shrill and piercing that even Helen Keller herself
could have heard it. From the grave. He told her, "We're going to Australia to eat kangaroos and sacrifice live
koalas." I, as it is to be expected, have some problems with this:
1) You're not cool, asshole. Personally, I'd love to see the MIDGETS -vs- ELEPHANT AIRPLANE PULL preempted on Fox's new gem of
a show, Man -vs- Beast, for a 9 round match between Steven and a boxing kangaroo.
2) "Sacrificing live koalas." First of all, OBVIOUSLY the koala would be alive if you were to sacrifice it. I've
never heard of anyone sacrificing anything dead, you twit. Second, why even say something as LAME as that? Need to talk of
killing an innocent animal just to make you feel like a man? Where's Paul Hogan when you need him? SOMEONE
needs to open can of whoop-ass on this prick.
So what have we learned, boys and girls? Time for a quick recap:
FOSTERS: AUSTRALIAN FOR BEER.
STEVEN: AUSTRALIAN FOR ASSHOLE.
Steven's mother didn't hang up before giving him some valuable love advice. I didn't make out exactly what she said,
because this woman was more inarticulate than Ja Rule after having two root canals, but it was something along the lines of "If
you're not having sex, just masturbate more." Why thank you, Jocelyn Elders. We'll all sleep easier tonight knowing you're
out there coaching your son's sexual habits.
Cut to Frank rushing into Trashelle's room with toilet paper in hand. What does that mean? Either Trashelle was crying, or
Frank really had to do a "number two" and, since Alton's been on the toilet for 3 hours, the potted plant in Trash's room seemed
like a really good alternative. The choice is yours.
Apparently, Trash was upset because she and Steven stopped sleeping together. But Frank, the only man on the planet worse with
the ladies than Pepe Le Peu, saw this as his chance to score. He said, "You're gonna make someone really happy someday. I
guarantee it." Eh, who could take him seriously. Any time someone says "I guarantee it!" I immediately think of George Foreman
and Meineke mufflers. Sort of takes the romance right outta there, doesn't it?
Later that day, the roommates were downstairs practicing for their big show. They were wearing dark overalls and bandanas,
and honestly looked like a gaggle of Nelly's rejected stage dancers. They were also doing some lame dance moves with a white
scarf, which I'm quite sure made Darren (of Darren's Dance Moves infamy) drop dead just so he could roll over in his grave.
Baby ain't-no-lie, bye-bye-bye.
Before they got on the plane, John bitched them out because they were late for
rehearsal. He said, "If this were a real job, you would have been fired 100 times by now. Your work ethics suck!" Go John, it's your
birthday, go John, it's your birthday. . . (MTVixen Jill continues on to "raise the roof").
Once in Australia, the gang rushed to the hotel to check out their living quarters. The girls ran into the bathroom, opened
the shower curtain, and started screaming. What the fuck? Did MTV
put them up at the Bates motel? Did Steven get a head-start on sacrificing those koalas? Was the shower not big enough
for two grown adults to comfortably have sex? The horror!
After some lame 4th grade flirting footage between Trashelle and Frank, the roommates all went parasailing. Steven
went up all alone, while Trashelle and Frank went up together. That's right, say it with me now, "AWWWW." Boy, if I were there,
the rocking of the boat wouldn't have made me nearly as ill as the sight of Trashelle and Frank holding hands as they were coming
back down. Someone must have secretly replaced Frank's coffee with a big 'ol cup of DESPERATE.
While parasailing, Trashelle did tell Frank, "I just don't know if Steven and I are gonna start hanging out again." Oh my God! I just can NOT take the
suspense! Will they become friends again, or remain separated by an ocean of hostility? Wait! I don't give a shit! Seriously,
these people are in a tropical paradise... for FREE... and all they can do is quibble over their pathetic excuses
for love lives? Please. I've seen more interesting dramas occurring between toddlers playing together
in a sandbox.
Next came the ground-breaking performance at Salt, the nightclub in Australia. Basically, it wasn't enough for them to
make fools of themselves at their own hotel - so they had to travel hundreds of miles to look like flubbering idiots in
front of a new crowd. And once again, they got up on
stage and were laughed at by all SEVEN people in the audience. Trashelle said, "Even if people laugh at us, we won't care because
we're together." Get off it, honey. You won't care if people laugh at you because you're all so USED to people laughing at
you. And after all was said and done, I couldn't help but watch their act and feel like something was missing,
sort of like a Jim Carrey acceptance speech without him making a fool of himself.
Steven ended it all by saying, "Trashelle and I are gonna be friends, but of course I'm a big dumb-ass and I could be
wrong." Thanks, Steven! No joke needed!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World
Las Vegas drama to an end. Next week on the Real World? Alton tells Irulan he's in love with her, and then
proceeds to scare half the world with his monster penis. Rivoting.
Before leaving, please consider donating to help keep these Real World reviews alive. I really do need your help
more than ever, guys, as these bandwidth bills are not letting up. Thanks for your support. -MTVixen Jill
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Frank. Grow a pair, honey. Nothing is more pathetic than being TRASHELLE'S sloppy seconds.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Steven: "We're gonna eat kangaroos and sacrifice live koalas." Yeah? Eat THIS, asswipe.
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