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EPISODE #1218 |
alternatively titled
Alton: Australian For Asshole |
Dirty male whore. |
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Another week... another episode of Saved By The Bell The Real World.
The episode opened with consecutive shots of camels, birds, snakes, and following suit, Irulan sitting nude on a
beach. What is MTV trying to say with that sequence of images? That she's 20 minutes and a dime-sized amount of SPF-45 away
from being mistaken for a leather-skinned iguana? Hmm. Anyway, Alton could be seen drooling in the distance as he was
walking towards her. And of course, since she was topless, his
monster penis arrived at the girls' beach towel a good 45 seconds before the rest of his body did.
Arissa told Irulan, "I'm in Australia and I'm doing things I never thought I'd do in my whole life!" Ooh, she sure
is living on the edge, letting the soles of her feet touch the water like that. Did you see that? The water almost
touched her ankles! Boy, she sure is making progress coming out of that shell of hers. Dario would be so proud.
Irulan was feeling annoyed because Alton decided to room with the boys instead of with her. She explained, "You know,
that really makes me feel like I'm getting shafted." No, no, honey, you already got the monster shaft last episode, remember?
Or has all the sun fried that frizzy-haired little head of yours?
Cut to a shot of more animals... because none of us are aware animals actually inhabit Australia. We must be
reminded.
Frank then said, "I'm having the best time here. Every day I'm doing something I've never done before." Whatever
could he be talking about? Defecating in an actual TOILET for a change?
Eating an animal cracker without feeling the urgent need to donate to the A.S.P.C.A? Listening to an Elvis tune
without wanting to dry-hump the nearest inanimate object? The choice is yours.
Next, the roommates went scuba diving. I'm not an MTV editor, and I know you're not idiots, so I won't tell you
about all the fish they saw whilst underwater (what were you expecting to see? Orphan Annie giving Daddy
Warbucks a big ol' hug after nailing their synchronized swimming routine?) But I will say this: two unidentified roommates actually gave each other an underwater high-five. So either
they skillfully avoided being eaten by a shark, or Steven sunk a 3-pointer from way out. The choice is yours.
I should also note that Steven threw a tantrum and cried all the way home because he had his heart set on
finding the Blue Heart of the
Ocean.
WE INTERRUPT THIS REVIEW TO BRING YOU AN ANNOYING IM I RECEIVED WHILE TRYING TO WRITE THIS REVIEW:
Jaci**: hi I was wondering if this is real world Instant messager
pophangover: yes it is.
Jaci**: oh really? I was wondering about that show , how ;d you get in that show
pophangover: i'm not on the show.
Jaci**: right but do u have that inofrmation?
pophangover: what the hell is inofrmation?
Jaci**: so what is this?
pophangover: this is american idol 2.
Jaci**: oh mi god i love that show! um i can sing are you in charge of that or what?
AND NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED REVIEW.
Cut to Alton feeding some parrots. Irulan walked over to feed one of them, and they all flew away. What is it they say
about animals being good judges of characters? And if that's true, why the hell didn't those parrots shit all over Alton's
bald Mr. Clean head? Things that make you go hmm...
Later that night Alton said, "Yo, I should mingle like I'm single... cause I am." How fucking profound, Confucius! Now shut
up. Isn't there a hole in your mattress you've yet to take advantage of?
Next came dinner outside, where a fat possum was thinking long and hard about swiping a piece of bread off of Trashelle's
plate. Alton said, "Watch out, they'll take your food and then they'll come back to bite you." Right, because these animals are stupid
enough to mistake a human arm for a terrain of beef or a pork loin. Come on. It's not Joe Millionaire we're talking about here.
Alton then made his way over to some girls sitting in the corner. After he gave them a fascinating lecture on the
pesky food-stealing animals in the states, he made sure to ask where they were going to party that night. Turns out
they were going to SALT, obviously because one of the girls was allergic to pepper.
Cut to the group at Salt, the only nightclub in the world off-limits to anyone with high blood pressure. Irulan was
getting mighty pissed off while watching Alton flirting with the entire Australian female population, so she went storming
off with Trashelle. Trash said, "Irulan needs to stay away from Alton!" Yeah? She also needs to do the hokey pokey
and turn herself around. After all, isn't that what it's ALL about?
Time passed, and finally Alton barged into Steven's bedroom to whisper to him that he had a threesome that night. Wow,
mamma must be SO proud. And so we cut to a commercial, which thankfully gave me adequate time to roll my eyes.
After the commercial, things were back to normal with Irulan and Alton (translation: they were so far up each others' asses
that I'm not quite sure how they were walking properly.) Alton then told Irulan he was in love with her. Right. And Kathie
Lee is the world's greatest entertainer.
Cut to Brynn talking to a random unidentified Australian about the previous night. Somehow, this random unidentified Australian
found a letter that Alton wrote to one of the threesome hoochies. The letter read, "Thank you for
the lip service, I'm blessed to have spent the night with you." Screw the letter, I wanna know who the hell this guy was.
Whoever you are, I hate to burst your bubble, but the position of Sherlock Holmes has already been filled. Thanks for coming.
Buh-bye.
Yes, another commercial (nothing happened during the second segment.) And I must ask what the HELL is up with these lame-assed
"This is not a commercial for MTV" commercials? There. I asked. Fear not, it's purely rhetorical.
Alas, the time in Australia has come to an end. Irulan said, "Being here has broken down the walls we put up with each other."
Puh-lease. Stop acting like you've been trapped behind the Berlin Wall for 3 months. This trip didn't do anything for anyone,
with the exception of Alton's penis and 2 slutty Australian chicks who are currently getting shit from their extended families.
End of story.
Frank then put his two cents in by saying, "I like Arissa a lot. She's such a sweet girl and her true colors are showing."
Look, Frankie boy, leave the sappy 80's love song lyrics to Cyndi Lauper. Get on the damn boat and get your
bony white ass back home.
And meanwhile, back on the boat, Arissa said she came to the realization that everything doesn't always have to be filled
with drama. Suddenly and without warning, Elton John appeared on the boat, snagged the heinously oversized red sunglasses
off of Arissa's face, and then mysteriously disappeared. What does it mean?
Once back home, Brynn decided to take matters into her own hands (and no, I'm not talking about the "alone time" she spent
in the shower.) She approached Alton and said, "Did you hook up in Australia?" Alton, with a face more stone cold
than Steve Austin's, replied, "No. I didn't."
Alton told the confessional, "They only see of me what I give them. They know me as the guy who is gonna hook up with
all the girls." Not anymore. Now we know you as the guy who will not be able to get a date with any self-respecting
girl for the rest of your natural life.
And of course, later that night at the club, Alton told Irulan he loved her and then proceeded to flirt with some
random half-naked chicks at the bar. I don't know what the hell he was talking to them about, but he repeatedly
said (in a tragically bad British accent), "Will me bum be red? Will me bum be red?" Calm down, Desperado. Chances
are they won't fulfill your spanking fantasy until you buy them another 3 rounds of mind erasers.
Irulan, who'd had enough of Alton's shenanigans, once again went storming out of the club looking more pissed off than
I did after shelling out $9 to see Catch Me If You Can. She ran into bed and started crying because she missed Gabe so
much. Hi, Irulan? This is the operator. I have a collect call from GUILT. Will you accept the charges?
And the episode ended with Irulan saying she was definitely going home, followed by those three dreaded words (no,
no, not Where's The Beef).... TO BE CONTINUED. What a cliffhanger! Why, Arissa just convinced me to rid myself of all
of the drama and here I am, smack dab in the middle of it again! Will Irulan go home? Will Gabe dump her? Will Alton
ever find a condom that fits him? Will Paula Cole ever shave her armpits? Is it a coincidence that EVIAN is NAIVE spelled
backwards? Will Simon be an asshole on this season of American Idol? Am I the only one who thinks Sprint PCS stands for
Pretty Crappy Service?
Stay tuned for next week's episode, when all of these questions (and more) will be resolved!
Listen up people! I can no longer afford to run this website on the $10 a week that I've been receiving. So if you give
a damn at all... please, DONATE! I bust my ass each week to give you a few laughs, and I don't want to see that all end
simply because I can't afford to pay these ridiculous bandwidth bills. Help keep these Real World reviews alive.
Thanks for your continued support. -MTVixen Jill
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Alton. It might have been cool for David Lee Roth to have been a gigilo in 1983, but sorry, that position has
already been filled. Get a life.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Trashelle: "Irulan is being pathetic with Alton, and that must be how I looked with Steven." One word: YEP!
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