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EPISODE #1219 |
alternatively titled
It's Irulan's Pity Party and We're All Invited |
Hyped up crap. |
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Another week... another episode of The Real World. I'd like to start this episode by saying that if I have to hear one more preview
of Ozzy Ozbourne saying he wouldn't mind having a glowing dick, I will go mental. And while I'm at it,
somebody get that damn commercial where the Ozbourne children unzip themselves and magically morph into the Osmonds
OFF the air, pronto. Thanks.
The episode opened with Irulan sloppily throwing her personal belongings into a suitcase. She said, "I'm just too wrapped
up in this whole situation with Alton." Wrapped up? You're not a shiny box sitting under a Christmas tree, toots. And you're not
"wrapped up" in anything but yourself. And the funny part is she actually
thought people were going to take her seriously, even though
she had a hickey on her neck the size of Texas. Psst, see that bed you made over there, honey? Good, now go lie in it.
Next, all of the roommates were walking around the house screaming, "Where is she?!" whilst frantically searching for Irulan.
What do you mean, where is she? Probably where she ALWAYS is, smoking a cigarette in the friggin' hallway. Give me a break.
But by the way all the roommates were carrying on, I was half expecting Irulan
to pop out from under the kitchen sink and scream BOO,
like they were playing some twisted game of Real World hide and seek. In fact, moments later, Steven opened the closet and
screamed, "Here she is! I found her! Marco, Polo!" Dejected after Brynn explained to him that what he had
found was the dustmop, he climbed
back into bed and went to sleep.
Cut to the official Irulan Pity Party, and yes, of course it was hosted by Arissa. Irulan was carrying on like a
bad Wilson Philips tune, complaining about how "Impulsive" she's been over the past few weeks. Arissa jumped in and
said, "Don't worry about it, all of us here are going to be judged." What? Them, be judged? By who! Why, who'd do such a thing!
(MTVixen Jill walking away with her hands behind her back, whistling and kicking a can).
Suddenly and without warning, Carnie Wilson walked into the hallway, opened a bag of Lays potato chips, and proceeded
to eat just one. Guess that whole stomach stapling thing worked! Who knew? She then mysteriously disappeared.
Arissa ended the conversation with Irulan by saying, "Everyone's
playing with themselves here and it's all good." Well, I guess that explains the stained sheets in the boys' rooms. Good
thing that conversation was over, because there was so much cigarette smoke in the hallway that you could have cut it with a
Ginsu knife. But the good news is, you still would have been able to slice right through a tomato or a tin can when you
were through. Thanks, Ginsu!
Later that night, Irulan and the girls went to the bar. Irulan said, "If [Alton] says one word to me I'll be like you're
totally a fucking liar!" Like oh mi God, Alicia Silverstone just called. She wants her vocabulary back. Irulan then
went on to say, "I just hate being in the dark." So either she's pissed at Alton for withholding info, or she and Arissa
rented Evil Dead again. The choice is yours.
After the bar came the overrated fight between Alton and Irulan. It went a little something like this:
Irulan: "YOU HAD A THREESOME!"
Alton: "No I didn't! I swear on my dead brother's grave!"
Irulan: "Yes you did, liar, you had a threesome!"
Alton: "No I didn't! I can't even count to three!"
Irulan: "You go after anything that breathes and has a pussy!"
Alton: "Ha ha, yeah, I am the man, ain't I?"
What a lame fight. However, if one was searching for some reasons to despise Alton, tonight's episode was chock full o' them.
First of all, last week, Alton clearly told Steven that he had a threesome. Then, tonight, he proceeded to "swear on his dead
brother's grave" that he did not. Oh boy, Alton, you better make damn sure your ass is never in the live audience of the John
Edwards show: "And who over here has the pissed off dead younger brother? Yes, he is telling me something about a threesome... and
Australia... and a monster penis..."
Second, Alton said, "Come on people, if I had a threesome on the island I would represent!" Represent WHAT, exactly? The clan
of the womanizing dorks not suave enough to get two girls at once in their own homelands? Get off it.
The fight ended with Alton saying, "Fuck you, Irulan!" to which Irulan responded, "You already did, really hard. Remember?" Ugh,
yeah honey, we all remember. Thanks, but I'll file that image in my brain right next to the one of my great grandmother
stepping out of the shower.
After some more lame and unnoteworthy shenanigans, we heard the sound of a phone ringing. No, it wasn't Stevie Wonder calling to
say "I Love You." Actually, it was Irulan calling to confess to Gabe. Before I get into the conversation, I wanted to point out
that she was wearing a shirt that had the words "Chinese Food" bedazzled onto the front of it. What a hip choice. What's wrong,
Irulan? Were your "Taco" and "Pasta Fazul" shirts dirty?
Anyway, she told Gabe that she was dreading this conversation with him and went on to explain that Alton has been sleeping
in her bed every night for weeks. She then asked the lamest question ever: "Are you cool
with that?" Oh yeah, honey, can't you see him doing those fucking cartwheels all the way from where you're sitting? Please.
After a dramatic pause, Gabe said, "WHY would you think I'd be cool with that? Give me a break." End of conversation.
Not funny. Just satisfying. And sometimes that's even better.
Cut to Alton rock climbing with some random chick named Amanda. He said, "I came here to have fun because I'm a 23 year old man,
but then I started to see the possibility of love." Possibility of love? With what, honey, the rock wall? And lay off the
"I just wanna have fun" crap. You're starting to sound like the millennium's version of Cyndi Lauper. Alton then told the
random girl, "I don't remember having a threesome and if I said I did, it was all a joke." And do we have any camera
footage for concrete proof? No. Thanks, MTV.
Next came the most nauseating Real World footage of the season. Irulan was lying in her bed, and bam, Alton came walking in
and plopped himself down next to her like nothing had happened. And within 3 seconds the two were all over
each other, wrestling like they were two rejected castmembers from Tough Enough 3. They broke a lamp in the bedroom. Irulan
broke a pool cue in the living room. Just then, John Murray ran into the room screaming, "WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!" Oh, wait.
That was just my mother. Carry on.
Of course, MTV used this footage in last week's preview
to insinuate that Alton and Irulan were fighting in anger. Hmm. I guess you have to resort to inventing drama when your season has less
action than someone's 100th birthday party at the Elks Club.
So, yeah. The dry-hump fightfest went on for literally another 4 minutes, and it got real old real fast. Grow the hell up. They might
as well be pulling each other's hair and throwing playground sand in each other's faces. Get a room and get it
over with. Spare us all.
The episode ended the way so many of them have: with Steven pretending to choke on pretzels because he's positive it's
a prerequisite for the presidency. And of course, it also ended with Alton trying to creep into
Irulan's pants bed. This time, he was rejected faster than the fat boy who tried to sing "Like A Virgin" on
tonight's episode of American Idol II. Who woulda thunk it?
And that brought this week's boring episode to an end! Stay tuned for next week, when who the hell knows what'll happen...
there was no preview.
Man, I'm sick of requesting donations, and I'm sure you're sick of reading them. But the fact remains I'm more in need
of your help and support than ever. If you can, please donate to help me pay the ridiculous cost of operating this site.
Help me out here, people! Please? Click that damn button! Okay, okay, I'll shut up now.
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Alton. What kind of idiot tries to deny saying something that he was caught on camera saying?
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Alton: "I swear on my dead brother's grave I did not have a threesome." How despicable can you be?
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