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EPISODE #1220 |
alternatively titled
The Most TOXIC Episode EVER |
Make it end! |
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Another week... another episode of The Real World. Let me start by saying this: after watching this 30 minutes
of television literally strewn with more crap than the outdoor K-9 runs at the LAPD, we now know why MTV chose not
to show a preview of this week's show. If they showed a preview, NO ONE WOULD HAVE WATCHED. Come on B&M. You know
my ass is dead on with this one.
The episode opened with Arissa involving herself in the biggest scandal in television history: She revealed that
(gasp) she doesn't love her mother! Wow. How Earth-shattering! I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight, knowing
war is imminent, 7 more astronauts were lost, and Arissa despises her mom. It'll be rough, but I'll be okay.
And in other news, 80's rocker Sebastian Bach came out of seclusion long enough to see his shadow, thereby securing
another miserable 6 weeks of winter for us all.
Cut to Arissa smoking with Irulan in the hallway. Then cut to Arissa smoking with Alton in the hallway. Then cut
to Arissa smoking with Brynn in the hallway. Finally, cut to the TRUTH staffroom, where all of the workers clutched their
hands to their chests and simultaneously collapsed.
Steven cut in to say, "I refer to people as toxic friends. Maybe your family is toxic." Oh shut up. Your ass is toxic.
And besides, the position of Doctor Phil has already been filled. Insert quarter and try again. But before the conversation ended,
Arissa noted that her birthday was coming up and she was afraid she'd be "cardless." Yep. That has to be the
most desperate plea for attention since Jan Brady bought that heinous brown
wig to wear to her friend's birthday party.
Cut to Frank bitching and moaning to Brynn about how Vegas just doesn't have any girls that are good enough for him.
He started talking about some girl Emily from home who had values and morals and ethics. Conveniently, once this
perfect angel found
out Frank was on The Real World, she agreed to come and visit him faster than Courtney Love could cause a stir on
a Trans-Atlantic flight. Hmm, it seems that Frank forgot to list the words "media" and "whoring" in her description.
Meanwhile, on the phone, Arissa's mother informed her that someone was suing her for criminal harassment. Or, at least
I think that's what was said, because the two of them were yelling at each other at a volume not yet proven safe
for human ears.
And yes, Arissa and her mother continued being mean to each other on the phone for another 3 pointless minutes.
We get it!
They hate each other! It's about as obvious as the fact that Romy and Michele are really lesbians in the movie (who do
they think they're kidding!?) An overjoyed Arissa then
scampered down the hallway and screamed to her roommates, "There's a warrant out for my arrest, guys!" with all the
excitement of the Iron Chef's host whilst revealing the episode's secret ingredient.
(Excuse my obvious ignorance, but unless you're Puff Daddy, when did it become COOL to have a warrant out for your arrest?
Doesn't exactly strike me as something I'd want broadcasted on the news by a perky anchorwoman with big boobs and a bad hairdo.
Got good grades? Brag! Helped rescue an old woman who had fallen but couldn't get up? Double brag! But getting
arrested? Sorry. Just don't see the connection. Maybe it's buried underneath all that Marb Light smoke?)
Apparently, all the roommates shared Arissa's joy. They started jumping up and down and high-fiving each other like a
couple of soccer moms at their kids' first little league game. Steven walked in late and
mistakenly thought the celebration was for him, since he cleverly deciphered who the Celebrity Mole was. But alas, he was once
again wrong.
And for all of you guys that think Superman: The Ride Of Steel is exciting... hold onto your hats, because next,
we were treated to some footage of Frank walking around Vegas with Emily. They saw some flamingos. Maybe even got
close enough to feed a few. They also walked past a hooker on the strip. Then,
they went to the Venetian and stood REALLY close to the edge of the water to watch the gondolas. I told you! Mindblowing,
exciting stuff!
Meanwhile, Arissa was at a Blue Man Group show. Cut to a shot of her with a huge blue lipstick mark on her forehead. So either
she got to meet the cast of the show, or she got to 3rd base with Papa Smurf. The choice is yours.
Once Arissa got back home, she got a phonecall from her Uncle Robert. The conversation was muffled and I could barely
make it out (hey MTV asses, where are the damned subtitles when I need them?) I can only assume he was talking to her
about colonoscopies, tarantulas, and/or Sandy Duncan's glass eye, because Arissa looked more frightened than Joe
Millionaire after being asked by Barbara Walters to complete a word problem.
After the break, Frank told Trashelle how much he liked Emily. He said, "I really want to be with her but I can't because
of where I am and how far away we are." Jesus. Where the hell
does he think he is? Stranded on a polar icecap somewhere? Uh, someone needs to morph into a plastic sandwich bag and ZIP IT.
Next came dinner with Emily The Great. Frank, demonstrating his skills as a conversationalist, said, "Boy, uh, it
sure is dark in here!" When Emily responded with the polite equivalent of "IT'S ROMANCE, ASSHOLE," Frank apologized
and said that he learned romance from 80s movies. Suddenly and without warning, John Cusack appeared armed only
with a saxophone, played a few notes, and mysteriously disappeared. What does it mean?
I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS! It's Mega Maid, and shes gone from suck to blow! I can't believe my grandmother just felt me up!
If something gets in your way, turn!
Whoops, sorry, got carried away with the whole 80s movie thing. Back to the review. (And right now, many of you
are thinking, uhhh, what review?)
Cue the sad music, for the time has come for Emily to leave. Nothing remarkable about her exit, except for the fact
that she left in a stretch limo big enough to comfortably seat every reject from this season's American Idol. What's the
dilly-yo?
Later that night, it was off to a cheap Italian restaurant to celebrate Arissa's birthday -- because nothing says "You're
worth it" like paper placemats with some old Italian guy's face scribbled on it. Someone gave Arissa a shiny silver
FLASK. She was just ecstatic and said, "Great, now all I need is a cigarette case and I'll be sophisticated!" You go girl!
Why, armed with that classy flask filled with wine from a box, and that cigarette case stuffed with Doral Lights, you're just
one step away from receiving an invitation to dine at the fucking White House.
And of course, after dinner, someone else gave her a shiny silver cigarette case. She stood up at the table, tears in her
eyes, like she was about to give an acceptance speech for winning a Best Actress Oscar:
(said in a bad British accent, because hey, isn't that how everyone talks when accepting an award?)"I would first like
to thank my mother, without whom I would never be stressed out enough to smoke. I would also like to thank my cigarettes,
without which I'd have nothing to put in this shiny silver case..."
Cut to the roommates singing Happy Birthday to Arissa, and ultimately to Steven smooshing cake all over her face. It
wasn't enough for him to do it, but he instructed the rest of the roommates to do so as well. They all obliged. Shucks. And
he didn't even have to say Steven Says.
Once back home, Arissa called her uncle. He bitched her out for "blowing him off" and then hung up on her faster than
a guest could bail out on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. Steven said, "He is what we call, in da hood, an asshole!" Yeah? Well
Steven, you're what we call, in the 'burbs, A FLAMING IDIOT.
Arissa ran over to her uncle's hotel to give him a bag of some random items. When he started yelling at her again, she
said, "I couldn't see you tonight. What was I supposed to say to my 8 roommates?" Oh, gee, I don't know, maybe that you
have to go back to kindergarten to learn how to COUNT? Since when are there 9 roommates in the house? Unless all of
Alton's personalities are being counted separately, I'm just not sure what was going on with that.
locking
his spot as TRASHIEST UNCLE TO EVER APPEAR ON THE REAL WORLD.
The episode ended with Arissa on the phone with her mother (again). Mommie Dearest said, "I have to tell you something
(no wire hangers!) but I can't tell you over the phone." Fed up, Arissa put the phone down and walked away, forcing *US*
to have to listen to her raspy-voiced mother screaming, "Oh I KNOW that bitch didn't just hang up on my face! Hello?
Hello? Hello?"
Good LORD. The horse is dead, MTV. Can we stop beating it? Please? These people are more juvenile than those 20-something
brats in those new Honda Element commercials. Make it all end!
Stay tuned for next week, when Frank, Steven, and Trashelle go on a trip to LA.
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Arissa. Hate your mother? STOP TALKING TO HER. Make life easier for everyone involved, especially ME. (Whoops,
was that selfish?)
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Uncle Robert: "Hey baby, this is your uncle of the year!" Need I say more?
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