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EPISODE #1222 |
alternatively titled
Grab Your Kleenex: Arissa Dumps Dario |
Brynn WHO? |
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Another week... another episode of The Real World. I was spared from having to watch the show last week, when my
cable company blessed me with a timely cable outage. No such luck this week!
The episode opened with MTV alerting us that it was 6:30 AM. They also graced us with random shots of maintenance people
cleaning and sweeping... just to put to rest the nasty rumor that the only action going on at 6:30 AM in Vegas is occurring
behind Seigfreid and Roy's bedroom door.
The Real Worlders were also out and about at an after hours club. Irulan said, "Me and Alton are barely speaking to
each other. It's really weird." Ooh, yeah, how weird indeed. Why, I've NEVER heard of two arguing people not
speaking to each other. Watch out, girl, the SciFi network will be knocking on your door any second. Surely,
someone over there will want to capitalize on all that juicy weirdness.
Irulan didn't leave the club before saying, "I don't need Alton, there are plenty of guys out there who'd love to hang
out with me." Apparently, the term "plenty of guys" referred to one corn-rolled loser named Davin, whom she was dancing
with all night. Psst, Davin, Coolio called. He was wondering if you wanted to ride, ride, slippity-slide, or to go
along on
a fantastic voyage. He also mentioned that he wanted his hairstyle back. The horror!
Before they left the club, Irulan said, "I don't need to make Alton jealous. He just played himself." Word on the
street is that not only did he play himself, but he also played WITH himself earlier that evening. Who knew?
Alton decided to strike up a new friendship with a random Asian girl named Denise. Let me tell you a little something
about Denise: she had TRAGIC hair. I've heard of dark roots being in style, but when did it become fashionable
to have all black hair - with the ENDS dyed blonde? Good lord, honey, get a box of Hydrience on that head of yours
before John Freida sees your hair and drops dead of cardiac arrest.
Good ol' Denise. Denise Denise Denise. She provided such "Companionship" and "Conversation" for Alton. Not to mention
the third "C" she brought to the relationship: "Cunnilingus." Clearly Alton's favorite.
Tonight's episode was definitely chock full o' random filler scenes.
Example #1: cut to a scene of a random jellyfish moving around a fish tank in
slow motion. What gives? MTV, it's not Shark Week. And you're not the Discovery
Channel. Let's keep the shots relative, mmmk?
Next, Arissa hopped on the phone and called Dario. While fighting tears, she said, "When I got on a plane to came here, I started
to change." Yeah, we all start to feel our bodies changing once on an airplane. It's called AIRLINE FOOD. See, now if only
you skipped the in-flight meal and that little snack-bag of nuts, perhaps your relationship with Dario wouldn't be in such shambles.
Just a thought.
Cut to random filler scene #2 - a closeup of a dirty shoe making its way off an escalator. Let us all hope and pray right now
that the owner of that shoe was gellin like a felon - because no one likes to be uncomfortable whilst making a treacherous
and perilous journey on an escalator.
Next, Arissa decided to start bitching to her roommates about Dario and her need for
independence and blah blah blah. The roommates all looked TERRIBLY bored. So either they were fed up with Arissa, or someone
secretly popped Gosford Park into the VCR. The choice is yours.
Steven finally ended Arissa's dull Hamletesque soliloquy by saying, "If you're breaking up with Dario because you have
a crush on a certain 6-foot tall white guy in the house, go right ahead." Yeah. I'm, like, so sure. Steven then
scampered off, positive that he'd just heard Rod Roddy call his name as the next contestant on The Price Is Right (where
he then proceeded to embarrass himself by asking if the price of two Barker's Beauties should be included
in his bid.)
Later that night, at another bar, Irulan was still with cornroll man. She described their relationship by
saying, "There is definitely chemistry there." Honey, you spent 6 minutes with each other. So unless the two of you
are carrying around bunson burners and some test tubes in your pockets, in an attempt to separate Manganese Dioxide, let's try to
get a grip on reality, shall we?
Meanwhile, Alton was complaining to Denise that "this is bullshit, yo," while watching Irulan with Davin. Well, at least we
knew what was eating our friend Gilbert Grape (or, I should say, what our friend Gilbert Grape is no longer eating. Yes.
I went there.)
Alton took Davin into the bathroom to have a little chat about Irulan. The whole scene looked like a rejected scene from
Queer As Folk.
The two were standing mighty close to each other, whispering and
poking at each others' chests. Alton asked, "How you gonna go and get somebody in the balls like that?" Eek. Looks like
SOMEONE'S in the market for a Shickel's pickle.
Alton ended the conversation by giving Davin a word of advice about Irulan. He said (and I couldn't make this up
if i tried to), "Yo, just make sure you keep it right, just make sure your heart is tight." Hey idiot, I can rhyme too. If Robert Frost
were to hear your words, he would think you were a terd. Just keep that in mind.
Alton stopped reciting bad poetry just in time to say, "I'm not gonna throw up every time I see him kiss her or
hold her hand." Wow. So glad you cleared that up for us all. I'm sure Americans will all sleep better tonight, now that
we have a firm handle on your vomiting habits.
He then ran off to hug the random Asian girl wearing the heinously dirty-looking jean skirt, and to suck on her
tongue for a brief moment. And yes, that was yet
another image to file under the "things I could have gone to my grave without seeing" corner of my brain.
Later that night, both Denise AND cornroll man made guest appearances back at the Real World house. And once again,
Alton gave Davin some valuable advice regarding Irulan: "Be aggressive, be hard, and if you have to, pull her
fucking hair." Jesus Christ. Pull her hair? NOW I've heard it
all. What's that all about? Is he secretly trying to groom Davin for a lucrative position washing hair at Super Cuts?
Besides, she's a human being (well, sort of), not a god damned Cut-n-Curl Barbie.
Arh. This season. When will it ever end.
Next, the random Asian started asking Alton some really difficult questions while the two were in bed. Sure, the questions
started off easy enough, but by time she got to question #4 ("What is the square root of 9?"), smoke began emitting
from Alton's ears. She also asked, "If I'm your next woman, are you just gonna drop me like you dropped Irulan?" Oh,
what does it matter. I'm sure this girl's been dropped on her head enough as a small child. Surely a few more times
won't hurt.
Besides, if you want Alton to be able to answer questions, you better make them on his level. Like, for example, if there
are two girls at a bar, and one of them has 3 cigarettes left and the other just opened a fresh pack, who are you
going to go home with? The choice is clear.
Meanwhile, cornroll and Irulan were involved in a rather frisky game of pool. Cornroll guy took a shot, which resulted in
two balls flying off the table. Consequently, another set of balls was becoming enraged in the bedroom. Soon thereafter,
Alton poked his bald head out from the curtain and said, "You two better shut up or I'm about to escort you out of this
mother fucking house." That's right. Because the words "mother fucking" just added SO much couth and class to that statement.
That's right. It's 10 PM. Do you know where YOUR children are? If you're the mother of one of these rejects, rest assured,
they're safe and sound... making complete idiots of themselves on national TV.
Cut to Arissa on the phone (again) with Dario. She was still trying to break up with him. She said, "I have to leave you,
because I just need to know I can stand on my own two feet." What, as opposed to someone else's two feet? And unless
she's been walking around on all fours like Triumph the Insult Dog, she better come up with a better excuse to end the
relationship than that.
Next, cut to Trashelle and Steven in the car. Trash said, "Alton is just hanging out with Denise to make Irulan jealous."
D'oh! Duh! Thank God she was there to explain that to us all, because I was actually beginning to think Alton was keeping
her around just so he'd have someone available to outline the detailed differences
between Crispy Fried Won Tons and Sizzling Hunan-Style Chicken.
Later that night we were treated to an up close and personal shot of Alton brushing his teeth. For SEVERAL minutes.
Great. We get the point.
He takes care of his teeth. He won't be suffering from gingivitis any time soon. I'm oh-so happy to learn that.
While in the hot tub, Irulan explained to Brynn that she and Davin were "kickin' it a little." I couldn't help but wonder exactly what they
were kicking, besides that dead horse waaaay out in that field over there. Brynn said, "I don't know if Davin is a rebound."
Um, yeah. Unless he's being snagged by Shaquille O'Neal in a desperate attempt to regain possession for the Lakers, I'm gonna
have to say a big, fat NO to that one.
Before getting out of the tub, Irulan said that "it's nice to have somebody nice to drink with." Meanwhile, somewhere in
America, half-millionaire Zora clutched her hand to her chest and collapsed. Apparently, the thought of someone drinking
was just too much for her fragile heart to bear.
The time had finally come for Denise to go back to wherever the hell she came from. She told Alton to "be good!" to which
he replied, "Yeah, I have to learn how to spell it first." Tee hee, yeah, stupidity is SUCH a turn on. Alton said, "Thanks
for chillin' with me, it was dope." Well, it was either that, or "Thanks for the dope, it was chill." I couldn't tell, on
account of laughing at this loser who so obviously thought she was God's gift because she drove a red Mustang.
Next, Arissa's cousin, cornrolled Taiesha, appeared out of nowhere. Arissa said, "It was nice for Taiesha to come and see
me, because she keeps it RAW." Keeps it raw, eh? Well let us hope she isn't eating whatever it is she's keeping, because
salmonella can be a real bitch to get rid of. And before I end this paragraph, I must say this: GODDAMMIT. Now I'll be singing
a modified version of "Iesha" for the next 24-48 hours. Thanks a lot.
Later that night, or whenever, at Ghost Bar, Steven told Arissa, "Who you are right now is the best you could ever be." Wow, and
to think, she didn't even have to join the Army to be all she could be. Whatever will Arissa aspire to now, since she
has been deemed perfect in Steven's eyes?
Steven also said, "When you're happy you emit this positive aura that will attract people who are happy." Ok, several problems
with this statement. First of all, Arissa isn't emitting anything but the scent of some rank Designer Imposters. And those
people she's attracting? Yeah. They're not people. They're bees. Dozens of bees. And they want to sting her. And I'm going nowhere
with this analogy. And I have no way to end this paragraph. Or do I?
Finally, Irulan decided it was time to end things with Davin. She said, "Look, I like you, but we're just not on the same
page." Wow, I've heard of some pretty lame reasons for breaking up with someone, but ending things because you both
read at different speeds has got to take the cake!
And that brought another week of Real World "drama" to an end. Stay tuned next week when Trashelle has sex with yet
another dirty boy. The horror!
[Insert standard request for funds here. Don't want your money so I can buy a nice new pair of jeans.
Don't want your money so I can escape this snow and fly to the Bahamas. Don't even want your money
so I can buy a nice new set of boobs and land a shallow man. But I do really need help paying for this webspace.
In the wise, wise words of my 2nd grade music teacher (in what could quite possibly be the worst song ever written for
an elementary school play EVER):
Don't be greedy, help the needy! And as always, thanks for your support!]
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Alton. Who cares if he has fresh breath. He's still a huge loooooooser.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Alton: "Make sure you keep it right, make sure you keep your heart tight." And I thought David from B2NY was
the lamest castmember ever?
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