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EPISODE #1223 |
alternatively titled
SKIN? You call THAT a job? |
Brynn WHO? |
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Another week... another episode of The Real World. And we were in for a real treat, because the
"random stock footage" shots were back in full force
again. Lucky, lucky us. Why, it's almost as if we all found a reality TV 4 leaf-clover.
The episode opened with the introduction of Brian, some guy Trashelle met the first week she was in Vegas. On the phone,
Brian said, "I was hoping one night I could take you to dinner, just me and you." Duh, it's a friggin' date. What the hell.
Was he expecting John Goodman to tag along for conversation and to eat whatever food they couldn't consume?
Cut to an odd conversation between Steven and Trashelle. Oddly enough, they were fighting over who liked Brian more.
Trashelle ended the convo by saying, "Oh, I like him more. Believe me. We'll hook up." Oh, honey, believe ME, we know
you'll hook up. I've come to realize there are only a handful of things one can count on:
1) Trash will always hook up.
2) Poland Spring water will continue to sell well even though it is neither from Poland nor from a Spring.
and 3) Weathermen will always overuse the terms "the white stuff" when referring to snow, and "beat the heat"
when referring to scorching temperatures.
I rest my case.
Finally, Brian arrived. He handed Trashelle a single red rose, and then pushed his sunglasses up onto his forehead
(because hey, you know how sensitive foreheads can be to airport lighting.) And before long, the two were eating dinner
in a random restaurant with Steven and one of his friends.
Brian bored everyone with a 5 minute story of his rivoting volleyball career. Spare us, please. What's next? A long
little number about the first time he went potty all by himself? Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!
Trashelle immediately jumped in and said she thought Brian and Steven had lots of things in common. What qualities,
exactly, did Trash feel these two shared?
1) They both play sports.
2) They both talk too much.
3) They both spent months thinking that the Dixie Chicks and Sheryl Crow were, in fact, types of birds.
Later that night, all the girls were sitting around bitching about having no money. They agreed that for quick money, cocktail
waitressing was the way to go. So, the next day, they went to meet Gina, a wretchedly overly-tan bag of a woman, who
managed a pool bar called SKIN. Oooh, what a creative name. Frankly,
judging by some of SKIN's other co-workers, having skin is the
only prerequisite required to work there. Brains? Forgeddaboudit! Personality? Out the window! Got skin? You're in!
That's all fine and dandy, but sorry, I just wouldn't enjoy working at a place named
after a dermatologist's area of expertise.
Cut to Irulan telling Arissa, "It's gonna be so positive! We're not gonna be able to stay out late or sleep all day
because we'll have to go to work!" Hi, spoiled idiots? This is the operator. I have a collect call from
RESPONSIBILITY. Your sad asses better accept the charges. Oh, and if you didn't "dial down the middle" you can
expect Alyssa Milano to show up at your doorstep, ready to kick your asses, at any given moment.
Next, Brian and Steven were at the gym attempting to look cool by lifting 5 pound weights 3 inches off the ground.
Once again, Steven started to kiss Brian's ass (causing me to definitely get the feeling that biceps weren't the
only muscles being worked out in that gym.) He said, "Man, you're a good looking guy. Trashelle should be
foaming at the mouth!" Uh, yeah, maybe if she was bitten by Cujo 15 minutes before their date. Other than that?
Sorry Brian, but I do believe that Lorenzo Lamas has a laser pointer with your name all over it.
Cut to Frank and Trashelle in the bathroom. Frank asked how long Brian would be here, and Trash explained that he
was only here "before going to China to help an orphanage." Yeah? Well after this review, I'm going to Africa to
bathe their children. Why? Because I'm a real mercenary. So take THAT, Mr. Brian Do-gooder.
Frank then said, "This guy is great. You don't deserve him. Ha ha, that
was a joke. Sort of." Man, I do love it when the Real Worlders write the jokes for me. Because, after all,
Trashelle deserves a good man about as much as Martha Stewart deserves a jail cell with a view of the ocean.
Cut to Brian and Trashelle at the bar. Oh, and in case any of you suddenly forgot how to HEAR, this scene was
conveniently subtitled for you. Brian suddenly said, "I can definitely do this one in under a minute!" I had no clue
if he was referring to their waitress, or to the cherry stem he was twirling between his fingers. Turns out it was
the cherry stem, and (get ready to be absolutely dumbfounded)... he did, indeed, tie it in a knot with his tongue in
under 1 minute. Trashelle was utterly impressed because, after all, anything would seem astonishing compared to Steven's
impressive feat of naming all the characters on Sesame Street in under 30 seconds.
The next day, Irulan and Arissa made their long commute all the way down to the first floor of their hotel for their
first day at work. Boy. And you thought you had it bad, sitting in traffic for 2 hours commuting to and from work,
moving slower than the blood through Louie Anderson's veins?
Hopelessly immobilized in your car with nothing to do but bop your head to a bad Michael Bolton tune on the radio? While
riding behind a dump truck carting manure? We should
ALL know the pain of having to ride an ELEVATOR to our job. However will these girls muster the strength to carry on?
Wouldn't you know it? The girls got all the way downstairs and it was WINDY. Poor things had to run all the way upstairs
and put more clothes on. And in case you need a visual as to what my face looks like as I'm writing this, walk over
to a mirror. Roll your eyes back as far as they can go. And bam, there you have it.
Meanwhile, Trashelle was on the phone with Gina talking about when she'd be starting at SKIN. When she hung up,
she explained to us all that her "daddy" wasn't going to be proud of her for working there. So let me see if I fully
understand... "daddy" will be perfectly okay with his daughter whoring herself out for the world to see, but working...
no, no, that is out of the question! What the hell? Who is her father, Hugh Hefner?
The whole time she was on the phone, Steven was sitting next to her on the couch... eating a Flavor Ice. No
words were spoken. No movements were made, barring the pushing up of the tasty iced liquid through it's plastic
holder. Hmm. What does it mean. What's that? Nothing? By golly, you're right.
Arissa and Irulan once again completed their grueling journey back to SKIN, where they were given their job duties for
the day. Alas, there would be no pina coladas served by them on this fateful day. Instead, the two were
instructed to move heavy, massive boxes around a storage area. They looked MORTIFIED, and might I say, I found
their disdain absolutely
delightful. So delightful, in fact, that I am going to bastardize a Mastercard commercial in their honor:
DRINK WITH AN UMBRELLA IN IT: $6
PLATE OF NACHOS DELIVERED POOLSIDE: $14
GETTING TO WATCH TWO SPOILED BRATS DO MANUAL LABOR: PRICELESS!
At the end of the day, the girls said that their job "wasn't what they expected." They complained that "their feet hurt"
and that they just wanted to "get out of there." Hey, guess what, WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF THE NON-MEDIAWHORE. I think I
speak for all of us when I say we hope you enjoy your stay here amongst our people.
Meanwhile, Brian was getting too lovey dovey for Trashelle. She said, "He's talking about dating me exclusively, but
come on, he has to roll me in first before he can catch me." So basically, Trashelle is comparing herself to a
mackerel. And I have a sneaking suspicion that she's only slightly less smelly.
That night, even though Trashelle admitted she only felt "friend" feelings for Brian, the two proceeded to make
out. In the confessional, Steven said, "They are in the next room and I don't know what's happening, and I want
to vomit!" So either he was upset because Trash was hooking up with another guy, or he just caught a
rerun of Katie Couric's televised colonoscopy on MSNBC. The choice is definitely yours.
After the second commercial break, we were treated to some special footage of housekeepers making beds, washing
windows, and cleaning up food trays containing remnant bits of food. What are these MTV losers thinking?
"Hey, if the sounds of Trashelle smacking
her lips together whilst kissing Brian aren't enough to completely turn the stomachs of our viewers,
perhaps a nasty-assed, 2 day old, half chewed burger will do the trick!"
Finally the time came to walk Brian out the door. Trashelle ultimately decided that even though he was "super sweet"
she only wanted to be his friend. Super sweet, eh? Let me guess, he was also totally groovy. And you will be going
to a Davey Jones concert tomorrow night. With Marcia Brady. Please. And even though she declared him a "buddy" only
moments earlier, the camera zoomed in on the 15 second lip lock between the two pals. And now, thanks to this nasty
chick, 4.3 million boys are currently on the phone with their "friends" making plans to hang out
in the hopes it will get them laid tomorrow night. Thanks, Trashelle. Thanks for blurring the already complicated
"friend" line. And thanks for getting that heinous Biz Markie song stuck in my head for the rest of the week.
Cut to more maintenance people cleaning windows. Why? Because inquiring minds need to know.
Later that day, the girls were hard at work at SKIN. Trash said, "It's cocktailing, not brain surgery." And might I
say, thank God. Imagine if Trashelle was your brain surgeon? Scalpel! Suction! Condom! KY Jelly! Hot male surgeon
to the ER to assist me, stat!
Apparently, Steven also got a job bartending at SKIN. Joy for us! So this week, we didn't have to see Alton and Irulan
giggling at each other and flirting like a couple of 14 year olds on Saved By The Bell. Instead, we got to see Trash
and Steven pointing and poking at each other, set to the melodic stylings of a Coldplay tune. Could TV get any
better?
Finally, Trashelle explained that she liked to "talk to people and flirt," so cocktailing was the perfect job for her. Please.
Who is she kidding. She just likes being able to say she works a job with the word COCK in it.
And that brought another week of Real World "drama" to an end. Stay tuned next week when Alton tells Irulan he loves her,
and Steven gets back together with Trashelle. I can hardly wait.
Enjoy the reviews? Then please help me pay the bandwidth bills. I really need your contributions to defray these
ridiculously expensive monthly charges. Damn it, show you care! And as always, thanks for your support.
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Steven. At least try to hide your rampant jealousy. It's really not flattering.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Trashelle: "I had to flirt with the fattest, oldest guys to get those tips at SKIN!" Yeah? And that
differs from your everyday lifestyle HOW?
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