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EPISODE #1224 |
alternatively titled
Two Couples In One House. Who Knew? |
Love RW Style |
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Another week... another episode of The Real World. Yep, we've endured 24 episodes already and there's no end in
sight. Joy for us all.
The episode opened with Irulan and Trashelle standing in the hallway, all decked out in full-on cowgirl attire. Why?
Work, perhaps. Daisy Duke convention in one of the hotel's conference rooms? Also possible. Trying
to win the heart of Brook, that idiotic rodeo-poser mediawhore of "Bachelorette" and "Anna Nicole Show" infamy? Could be! Hey, I'm tired tonight.
You make the call.
In the confessional, Trashelle cut to the chase. She said, "I care about Steven very much but I'm confused about what
our relationship means." Other mind-numbing puzzles Trashelle loses sleep trying to solve:
1) How Pizza Hut gets cheese inside the crust of pizza
2) Do green M&M's really taste better than the brown ones?
and 3) What do you use to clean soap if it falls in the trash?
Irulan quickly cut in to tell Trashelle, "I sense you and Steven have some unfinished business." Ooh, let me guess, you
pulled out your magic 8 ball for some help deciphering that mystery, eh? Here, let me try. Will Rosie O'Donnell ever let
her hair grow past her shoulders again? Aw, look at that, NOT FUCKING LIKELY.
Trashelle responded by saying, "I care about Steven very much but I don't know if I want to put myself in that position."
We were left to wonder exactly what position she was referring to, but let me eliminate a few choices for you:
"69," "missionary," and "doggie-style," since
all of America has seen her in those positions already.
Cut to Steven and Trash in the car. Trashelle said, "I didn't think you gave a shit about me. Steven replied, "I didn't.
I thought I was cool, I thought I was the ICE MAN but apparently I'm not." ICE MAN? What the hell is that? Sounds like
some rejected fighter pilot nickname from Top Gun, if you ask me.
Trashelle continued by saying, "Right now we're friends, and it's just kind of hard." Well, don't worry, honey. I'm sure
once you become more than friends, it'll become totally hard again. That happens to guys sometimes. Could be
nerves, could be alcohol. Uh, wait, she was talking about his penis, right? She had to have been!
It's Trashelle, for pete's sake.
Cut to Irulan leaving a retarded message on Gabe's answering machine. She then told Brynn, "We're not exactly broken apart.
But we're not exactly together." Good grief. They're a regular god-damned jigsaw puzzle, aren't they. They're apart.
They're together. They're apart again. Sort of like Oprah. She's fat. She's thin. She's fat again. Pick one and
go with it, mmmk?
Later that night, everyone went down to the bar. And I'm not gonna lie to you, people, I have *NO* idea what
the fuck happened in this drawn-out clip...
something about Alton spilling drinks, and some random girl complaining about Alton treating
her like dirt. And before long, Alton was involved in some unknown parking lot altercation with a meaty bald guy.
HUH? Say what? Can I buy a vowel? Pour some shook up Ramen?
There was a commercial break before anything was cleared up, which brings me to an off-topic point: The Osbournes
DVD. According to the ad for it, there's actually a feature on this DVD called (gasp) NAME THAT DOOKIE. Yeah.
Nothing says F-U-N like staring at POOP and trying to decipher which dog it came from. And please,
spare me. I have four dogs. I stare at dung all day long. I need to see YOUR dogs' poop like I need front row tickets
to a Yanni concert.
Ok. Back to the Real World. And things have only gotten more confusing here, folks. The parking lot altercation was still
in full effect, except now, the camera view had changed. That's right, some cameraman was crouched down behind a car
filming so that all we saw was two pairs of FEET. Hello, idiot, you're filming the Real World, not a reenactment of some
guy about to get hit on The Sopranos.
Cut to Alton, Irulan, and Arissa smoking in the hallway back at the hotel. As soon as Frank walked in, Alton unfortunately
opened his mouth again: "That bitch spilled my drink. Yes it was only $2.50 and i have many more $2.50's and even if I didn't
I could call my mom and say I need $2.50 or I'm gonna die."
WE INTERRUPT THIS REVIEW TO BRING YOU THIS BREAKING NEWS:
It has come to our attention that after the airing of tonight's episode of The Real World, Alton's mother
was inundated with calls from people begging her to withhold the god damned $2.50 just so Alton WOULD die.
WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED REVIEW.
Cut to Trashelle alerting everyone that today was, in fact, Steven's birthday. Cue the romantic music as Trashelle
was walking up and down the aisles of Hallmark in search of that perfect card. The lame cameraman (probably the same one
responsible for the "feet under the car" crap eariler) zoomed in on a sign that said "CARDS FOR FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE" as she
was card browsing. Aw, what's wrong, Mr. MTV cameradude? Couldn't find a sign that said,
"CARDS FOR THOSE WHO ARE FUN TO BANG WHEN DRUNK?"
The camera then focused on the card Trashelle chose. And might I say, yeah, nothing says "Happy Birthday, I love you!"
like a cranky old bitch giving the middle finger with one hand and holding her wrinkled and sagging boobs up with the
other.
Suddenly and without warning, we heard some heinous violin noises emitting from the smoker's hallway. No, Garth Brooks didn't
show up trying to get a "ho" to go "down" - it was just Alton fiddling away. Brynn was sitting motionless in the corner,
all the while looking more disturbed than George W. Bush at the White House's First Annual Spelling Bee:
Announcer: Mr. Bush, your word is IRAQ.
Mr. Bush: Oh damn, a hard one. Sound it out, Georgie. Okay. A-RACK! I did it! And boy, does Lynne Cheney have a nice one...
uh, sorry, Dick...
The camera then panned back to Alton, who was randomly playing the violin like it was a guitar. What the hell? Did he suddenly
forget
how to work the instrument? Oh, the laughs. Good times,
good times.
Cut to another commercial break, bringing me to my second off-topic point of the night. Have you all seen the commercial
for Excedrin Quicktabs, with the super-closeup shot of this dickwad who says,
"I don't know about you, but I'm never near a glass of water
when I have a headache." Never near a glass of water? Seriously, give me a break.
Where the fuck is this moron? On Europa?
After the break, Trashelle handed Steven some framed photos she made for him. He screamed, "Oh my God!" and gave her
a kiss. Trash looked proud and said, "I knew he'd like it. He likes mushy stuff." Good. Then he should have no problems with
her ass.
Later that night at the club, Steven declared that alcohol made him "horny." Obviously, it also makes him retarded, since
he was wearing dark sunglasses while making out with Trashelle on the dancefloor (yes, I still maintain Corey Hart should
have been maimed for promoting the wearing of sunglasses at night. Unless you're friggin' Ray Charles, or just had your
eyes refracted at an ophthalmologist, get those puppies
OFF.) Apparently, the sight of Trashelle's shirt, which frankly
looked like it'd recently been mauled by a hungry white tiger, was too much for him to bear because before long, the two were
RUNNING upstairs to the bedroom. So either the two were desperate to get it on, or Steven really
wanted to reenact that commercial where you drop a bowling ball on the bed to see how much vibration would be produced
as a result. The choice is yours.
Cut to Irulan and Alton in the messy smoker's hallway talking about getting back together. Alton jumped right in and
said, "I love you, Irulan!" Obviously that was all it took, because moments later, THEY were in bed together. Irulan said,
"I know Alton is a dirty bird but I don't care because I want to be with him." Okay, did she say DIRTY BIRD? What the hell
is that? Sounds like a term an environmentalist would use to describe some poor gull caught in an oil slick... not a term
used to describe a vile, lying, man-whore.
And of course, after back
to back shots of each couple making out in bed, MTV cleverly showed a shot of the Bellagio fountains rising.
Yeah, we're dealing with some REAL clever editors here, aren't we? Please. A friggin' caveman could have
thought of that analogy.
Finally. The episode ended with Steven in the confessional talking about Trashelle. He said, "Yeah, she's a beautiful girl,
she's a sweet girl, and she's good in bed. But I need MORE from a woman." More? Like WHAT? Someone willing to play
Chutes and Ladders with you all day and night?
A woman who'll tolerate you cooking a romantic dinner for her with your Make It And Bake It oven?
A girl able to describe just WHY Transformers are "more than meets the eye?" Good luck honey, cause with that attitude,
you'll be alone forever. Or at least until a cool sorority is depicted on MTV. Whichever comes first.
And that brought another week of Real World "drama" to an end. Stay tuned next week when Brynn wants to go home,
and Arissa dances with a big-nosed man.
Did you know that for less than the price of a cup of coffee you could sponsor a child in Africa for a day?
Well, it's a little known fact, but for that price - you can also sponsor an MTVixen. Hook a sister up! Frankly,
I could really use the help.
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Alton. His drunken debauchery was nauseating at best.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Alton: That whole "$2.50" bullshit. What the hell was with that? And what kind of mixed drink costs $2.50?
In VEGAS of all places? Hmm, looks like someone's too cheap to buy brand name liquor.
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