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EPISODE #1226 |
alternatively titled
More Alton and Irulan Shit. What Were You Expecting? |
WHEN WILL IT END! |
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Another week... another episode of The Real World. As the title of the review suggests, yes, this episode
was mostly about Alton and Irulan... who are more on-again off-again than a dildo in Hugh Hefner's mansion.
And with that revolting thought, on we go.
The episode opened with Trashelle standing in the smoker's hallway, clad in a terrycloth cowboy hat and a black robe
so shredded it looked like it had been mauled in anger by Tony the Tiger after someone stole his bowl of Frosted Flakes.
Arissa told her that Steven was "confused" about their relationship. That really isn't saying much, considering that
Steven is also confused about about how the little man who lives
in the fridge is able to turn the light on and off without being seen.
Meanwhile, Frank told Steven that he was a "bad person." And we know what happens to bad people: They are forced to spend
a lifetime drinking flat Zima and
staring at photos of a pre-ProActiv Judith Light. And that just ain't pleasant, folks. Oh, and by the way,
after Frank called him a "bad person," Steven started laughing hysterically. Please honey, Frank just insulted your
character. He didn't pull a quarter out of your ear. Is laughter really the best response? I think not. Simmer down now.
Later that night, Trash told Steven she was confused.
This isn't exactly shocking news,
considering Trashelle is also perplexed about why Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben never come to any of her family reunions.
Don't worry. I'm sure the perma-fog will lift from her brain one day.
Cut to random shots of Alton's bald head and/or left bicep bouncing around in the confessional. Though it might have seemed
to an outsider that he was filming a Bowflex commercial, the truth is that he and Irulan were having sex. Apparently
they've never heard that song by Chris Rock: "NO SEX IN THE CONFESSIONAL ROOM." Or was that the champagne room? Oh well,
no matter. Gross is gross.
Meanwhile,
on the outside,
Dominos pizza was delivered... and someone's random loser friend declared, "Oh, I'm gonna go against my religion and have a slice!"
Whoa! Down, you crazy boy! You're just one bite of cheesy crust away from a one-way ticket to Hades! Guess I missed
that one in the Bible: "Thou Shalt Not Feast Upon Saucy Pizza Or Thou Shalt Face The Consequences..."
Next, Steven and Frank told Trashelle about their plans to meet up with two sluts girls at a bar.
And before you could say "Today's Sponge," a jealous Trashelle instantly turned greener than Martha Stewart's thumb.
Trashelle said, "I haven't met someone good enough for Steven here in Vegas yet." Well, obviously she hasn't met
Harriet, the one-armed hooker who hangs out by the Palms dumpster. They'd be so perfect together, dontcha think?
After the break, Steven and Frank went to meet their hookers dates at Coyote Ugly. Before the
girls arrived, the boys decided to dance (and I use that term loosely) and accept a few shots from girls wearing
less clothing than a Massai tribesman in Kenya. And a few moments later, Steven let another random girl pour a pitcher of water
all over his naked chest. Tisk, tisk. Seems someone couldn't fight the moonlight.
Frank then casually mentioned in the confessional, "Hey, my attitude is to live it up because we only
have a few days left." No joke, just taking a moment to revel in the fact that this neverending season is almost
over. Thank heavens.
Cut to Steven and Frank in a cab with two of the skankiest-looking girls I've ever seen in my life. Skank #1
held up a random pair of thong underwear... and I couldn't help but wonder, which would be grosser? If they came from
HER skank ass, or if she picked them up from the floor of the cab? Ew. The choice is yours.
Skank #2 then proudly declared she never wears underwear. Suddenly and mysteriously, it seemed that Sam Kinison's
spirit entered into Frank's body, as Frank screamed "PROVE IT!" right into Skank #2's face. Of course, she
then proceeded to whip her pants down, revealing an underwear-less thigh and a tattoo that looked like
it had been applied by Stevie Wonder. Yeah, how rivoting. Keep it up, you
guys. You're just a blow-job and two lines of coke away from being featured on Taxicab Confessions.
Of course, the boys took the girls back to the Real World suite. Brynn told Austin on the phone, "Yeah,
the girls from Coyote Ugly are here and the word UGLY sure does apply." Do I have to add anything to that? I think not.
This segment was really boring. The random sluts told the boys that it smelled like someone took a dump
in their dresser drawer, and Frank said that it was "definitely possible." Hey, toilets, frat house living rooms,
dresser drawers. What's the difference, eh Frank?
A few moments later, Trashelle caught a glimpse of Frank making out with one of the skanks in the hallway. Trash proceeded
to run down the hallway screaming, "Steven, make him STOP!" Sweet Jesus. Stop WHAT? He was kissing a girl, not preparing
to release a bevy of moths into Trashelle's non-cedar closet. Give it a rest.
Cut to Alton at SKIN, hanging out with two rejected bouncers
from the Jerry Springer show. Moments later, he met up with Tatiana, some
bony blonde chick who wouldn't know what to do with a pint of Häagen-Dazs if it bit her in the ass. They had some
lame conversation about either rollerblading or rhododendrons (hey, cut me some slack, they were mumbling). Irulan
was watching from the bar, all the while looking more pissed off than a Trading Spaces homeowner who just found out
Hilde would be designing their fabulous new bedroom.
Later that night, Irulan told Alton, "Have you ever heard of saying 'no I don't want your number? Or see that
fly assed girl at the bar, that's my piece?'" His PIECE? Toots, unless you're capable of firing a bullet out of your ass,
you might want to come up with a more appropriate term for yourself. Oh, and Gloria Steinem thanks you for setting back
the womens' movement 256 years.
Cut to Irulan in bed alone. She suddenly screamed, "ALTON?!" and proceeded to run out of bed and search for him all
over the house. I was half expecting him to pop out from under the kitchen sink and scream, "Boo! You couldn't find me! Okay,
now you hide!" Frankly, that would be appropriate behavior for their level of maturity. But in actuality, Irulan
just wanted to sit on Alton's lap and have him sniff her neck while she whined some more. And
as a side-note,I sure do hope Alton carefully maneuvered
his way around, because he easily could have lost an eye on Irulan's heinous half-hoop half-hook earring.
A few moments later, Alton told the confessional, "We've decided to spend the little bit of time we have left together."
Oh please, as opposed to Irulan remaining in Vegas and Alton venturing to outer Mongolia? Whatever. What the hell do they
think they've been doing all this time?
Cut to Trashelle twiddling her thumbs on the sofa by herself, pining over her failing "relationship" with Steven.
She told Frank, "He may not want me now, but you know he's gonna be eating it when he sees me with someone else." Eating
what, exactly? Beef tenderloin? Rack of lamb? Jiffy-pop? Whatever the edible may be, Trashelle is barking up the
wrong tree. We all know the reality: Steven is too preoccupied with trying to convince the folks at the Special Olympics
that the hangnail on his big toe qualifies him to enter their next shotput competition. Everything else is trivial.
And that brought another week of Real World "drama" to an end. Stay tuned next week when we learn Dario
cheated on Arissa, and Trashelle meets a new male whore. The drama!
Season's almost over, guys. Show your support! Would a really gross picture from MTV help convince you to donate?
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
Alton and Irulan. Sex in public quarters? Now THAT is vomit-worthy.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Steven: "I went out with the girls because they made me feel pretty." Yeah, not pretty enough.
May I recommend some concealer around your eyes?
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