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EPISODE #12268 |
alternatively titled
Whoo hoo! THE FINAL EPISODE! |
IT'S OVER! |
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I can't believe it, but the last episode of RW Vegas has finally aired. And not a moment too soon,
since this season has been longer than the hair on Joe Millionaire's back. There's no doubt about it. This
season feels like it's been airing since Melrose Place went off the air.
PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL WORLD: Alton said, "When I commit, I'm committed." Yeah? When I walk, I'm walking.
When I eat, I'm eating. Fascinating stuff. I'm so glad he cleared that up for us.
The episode opened with the roommates packing, as a moody and melodic John Mayer song filled the air. Trashelle
said, "Gosh y'all, we're packing, y'all, I'm getting sad." Enough with the y'all overkill! Seriously, I was half expecting
her to break out a frying pan to cook up some grits whilst screaming
"Lost Sheep, this is Little Bo Peep, y'all got your ears on?" into a CB radio.
Trashelle followed up by saying, "We're moving out and won't be living together anymore!" Well d'oh! And to think
I thought you guys were just spring cleaning. Thank you for stating the obvious for us dim folk. What's next?
Gonna inform us all that Dick Clark is old? Move over, CNN, from now on I'm getting my news from Trashelle.
(Speaking of news, what's the deal with the term LATE BREAKING? I hear these idiotic newscasters using it all
the time: "We're CNN... bringing you the late breaking news!" To me,
that sounds like their slow asses were too busy eating doughnuts and sipping Yoo-Hoo to get to the story on time. Late breaking.
Shouldn't it be early breaking? Or perhaps even first breaking? Am I rambling?)
Cut to Arissa in the smoker's hallway with Irulan and Alton. Arissa said, "My greatest fear is living with
my mother." Rivoting. All this time I thought her biggest fear was a pair of jeanshorts that actually covered her entire ass.
But what do I know. Arissa continued by saying, "I don't want to get stuck at home in Boston." Honey, unless
your house is in the middle of a quicksand pit on location of a random Indiana Jones film, I don't think you'll have
much to worry about.
Next, Irulan and Alton went to eat at a sushi bar. Alton explained to Irulan that there was "no reason to be
afraid." Hmm. Obviously Alton hasn't ever seen Vin Diesel act. Because that, my friends, will instill fear in the hearts
of even the strongest of men.
They then played the "If I Had 3 Wishes" game. I never liked that game, myself. I always used my first wish to wish for
an unlimited number of wishes. Sort of took the fun right out of it.
In the "And You Thought YOUR Mother Was Weird" clip of the night, Arissa's mother called the house looking for her. Frank
answered the phone and was greeted with the mother screaming, "Where is my daughter! I'm gonna kill that bitch!" Hi,
Mom? This is INSANITY calling, how are you today? This woman sounded like the spawn of Phyllis Diller and the frightening
child from The Exorcist. I'm scarred. I just might have nightmares tonight.
Psycho Mommy then told Frank she was going to "kick his ass." Please. What's this haggard drunk think she's gonna do to him?
Pour some vodka on the floor and hope he slips on it? Chuck a martini olive at his head and pray it takes out one of his
eyes? Please, give it up, mommy not-so-dearest.
Arissa continued rambling on and on with her same old "I'm stuck" routine, like she's some poor fly trapped in
Charlotte's Web or something. She sobbed, looked into the camera, and said, "I just don't know where I'm going." Well,
in that case, may I offer up some advice? How about getting your bony ass to a store to pick up a pair of jeans,
since the whole stonewashed look went out during the Reagan administration. Mmmk? Thanks.
(...and in a random look into "What's In Jill's Notes," as I was hastily typing notes while the show was airing,
I just noticed I quoted Alton as saying,
"SHE SNOT STUCK ANYWHERE." Har har, she's not. She snot. Am I amusing myself? Do I need sleep?)
After the break, Arissa was STILL going on about how she didn't want to go home. She said, "You guys don't understand,
there's just nobody cool in Boston!" Suddenly and mysteriously, Larry Bird appeared on camera. He grabbed Arissa, crumbled
her into a ball, and slam-dunked her into a random trashcan. What does it mean?
Arissa then said, "I want to thank you all for protecting me
from the worst of myself." Yeah? Don't be so lavish with those thanks. Because, after all, friends don't let friends
wear hoop earrings big enough to fit comfortably around John Goodman's neck. Before she shut up, Arissa turned to
Trashelle and said, "I will always have mad love for you." Please. Who do you two think you are? Drew Barrymore
and Chris O'Donnell? Do us all a favor - pretend you're some leftover Chinese food, hop into a freezer bag,
and zip it.
Roommates exit stage left. Random bartender named Michelle enter stage right. Apparently Arissa met this girl during
her stay in Vegas, and bam, before we knew it, we were in Michelle's apartment. Arissa said, "Yay! If I stay here with
you for the summer, I can make money and figure out what I want to do!" And then, I shit you not, Michelle appeared out of
nowhere and started cleaning Arissa with a fucking LINT BRUSH. I'm sorry. No. There are just no words.
Cut to Irulan and Alton in the shower together. Irulan had a towel piled up on her head, making her look less like
a Real World roommate and more like an Annie Pun-Jab stunt double. I love YOU, Daddy Warbucks!
Next, the roommates received a letter: "To make your last night here a special one, a helicopter tour has been arranged
for you." Cue the ooh's, aah's, and general tomfoolery. And yet another random thought - funny to me that, once
upon a time, there was a man named Tom who was SO idiotic that he had a derogatory term created in his honor. Man. He must
have been a real fuck-up!
Cut to everyone gathered together getting ready to leave. Frank suddenly said, "I'm really nervous now and I don't know
why." Yeah? I'll tell you why. You're sitting next to Steven, and he just got back from lunch at El Zippy's Taco Restaurant.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
And then, one by one, they were picked off like flies. Brynn was the first one to go.
Frank then left, but not before saying, "I'm going to be living in LA with Steven and I hope to get all of the
girls he rejects. It's gonna be cool." Yeah. He hopped on the Dork train and then transferred to the Loser train. Poor,
poor Frank. Destined to spend a lonely life dealing with snarky stupid people who think they're funny by asking him,
"Hey, dude, where are the beans?"
Alton was the next to go. He said since he was going to NY to visit Irulan the next day, their goodbye was "No Biggie."
NO BIGGIE? Look, you're not talking to a Wendy's employee who is begging you to upgrade your classic single meal
(No! No Biggie! NO BIGGIE!) Simmer down now. And
yes, as Alton was driving away, he stuck his head out of the limo and let out a noise so piercing and obnoxious I was sure
Sam Kinison had channeled his body for his own frivolous use. Irulan was unimpressed by the noise, but the limo DID
attract a mysterious following of skunks and muskrats. What does it mean?
Then Irulan left, followed by Steven. And so then there were two, Arissa and Trashelle, sitting on a park bench
holding hands and crying. Trashelle turned to Arissa and said, "I'm so glad for you that you're getting away from Boston!"
Please. I've had it! What is so terrible about Boston? Sweet Jesus! Everyone seriously needs to stop acting like
the bitch is going back home to a cave in Baghdad.
And finally, and not a moment too soon, it was time for Arissa to go. She turned to Trash and said, "It is always love,
nothing but love." What gives? Is she saying goodbye, or quoting lines from some cheesy Bette Midler ditty? And to
make matters worse, she apparently stole one of Michael Jackson's tophats (circa 1983) and told Trashelle, "Always
remember me with my hat cocked to the side." Yeah. Because THAT'S the cool image you really want stuck in someone's
head upon your departure.
And then, there was Trashelle, sitting metaphorically alone on a park bench in the middle of Vegas. She said,
"I had a great time here with my roommates in Vegas. I will never forget these people." Why, thank you so much for
assuring us all of your Alzheimer-less future. I, for one, will sleep just a little easier tonight.
And that, my friends, brought another SEASON of Real World "drama" to an end. Stay tuned next week when, wait! Screw that,
IT'S OVER! You pour the champagne. I'll do the toast. "To MTV: May you NEVER cast another assface for The Real
World. May you stop showing TRUTH ads, and previews for this lame PHONEBOOTH movie. And finally, to the Real World
Vegas roommates: May you all continue to live your lives without another moment of mediawhoredom! The end!"
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Be sure to check out
DATE OR DISASTER,
the short film I've been working on over the past few months, in its entirety over at IFILM.com.
Now you can link up to our very special episode, and see
the humor, horror and heartbreak that makes Date Or Disaster the last words in reality dating!
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THE SIN SHITTY AWARDS |
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most annoying character:
THE ENTIRE CAST - INCLUDING ARISSA'S MOTHER. For all the crap they've put us through this season, they deserve it.
This week's Sin Shitty award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Arissa: ANY sentence (and you have your pick of 20 or so) with the word "STUCK" in it.
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