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Episode #901 |
alternatively titled
For the love of God, put the guitar DOWN! |
Yellow snow? Ew. |
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Bedazzlers, feather boas, white eyeshadow, and blurred nudie bits: OUT!
People who don't speak French, big lips, buck teeth, yellow snow, and blurred faces: IN!
"This is the TRUE story of one boring, horse-toothed Mormon and six other roommates who were skillfully
picked by a pack of clueless, money hungry dorks at B&M to live in a house that has a name and to have
their sad, pathetic lives taped. This is what happens when Julie stops being a Mormon, and starts drinking
caffeine and sleeping next to cootie-infested boys. This is the REAL world - New Orleans."
So, did anyone else find themselves reaching for their earplugs when Melissa screamed "picked to live in a
maaaaaaaaansion!" in the opener? Frankly, I've heard birthing farm animals make sounds more pleasing to
the ear than that.
The show opened with Julie riding to the Belfort mansion on a trolleycar. The new environment
must've sent Julie's braincells into overdrive, because she had a mind boggling revelation
while aboard: "I'm gonna step off this streetcar and I'm gonna be in a place I don't know." Really?
You don't say. She must be referring to that magical, mystical land where boys and girls communicate, cohabitate,
and drink cola into the wee hours of the morning. Naughty naughty.
David was chosen to ride the trolley with Julie to the house. MTV was hoping she'd blurt out, "Wow,
a black guy! I've never seen one of those in real life before!" but instead, she said, "Boys are
trouble. Mommy told me to stay away from them." (And as a sidenote, it was only 5 minutes into the
show and I was already hoping David would whip out a sixpack and a funnel and force Julie to drink
until she passed out. Hey, at least it would have made good TV.)
Next we met Melissa and Danny. First and foremost, I must say that I am repulsed by Melissa's lips.
What the hell? She makes Angelina Jolie look like the Mona Lisa. Not only are her lips disgusting, but
she's also more obnoxious than a redheadded stepchild. And to top it all off, she was wearing the most
heinous coat I've ever seen in my life. It was reminiscent of the quilt my grandmother had on her bed
back in 1984. Anyway, Danny walked up to her in the airport and said, "You're who I'm looking for!"
Melissa hugged her 20-pound bag of Calrose rice tightly to her chest and said, "Are you one of the
roommates?" Danny replied, "No. I'm Richard Simmons. Hand over the rice. Drop and give me 20, flabbybottom."
Cut to David and Julie entering the Belfort mansion. Once inside, David broke the world record for the
most exclamations of the phrase "This is so tight!" in a one minute period of time. I wasn't sure if
he was referring to the house or to the wifebeater he was wearing that appeared to be cutting off
circulation to at least 8 major arteries.
Enter Matt (whom I affectionately refer to as "Powder") and Kelley. Julie knew Matt for all of three
seconds before she said, "Matt's the one I would hook up with." For the rest of the show, she giggled
annoyingly at anything and everything that came out of Matt's mouth.
Matt: "Hey Julie, your teeth are huge and unsightly."
Julie: tee hee hee
Matt: "Seriously. You could gnaw a tree down with those things. Ever consider getting those babies capped?"
Julie: tee hee tee hee hee
Cut to Melissa, her lips, and Danny in the cab en route to Belfort. Melissa said, "I'm hoping everyone
will be ugly so I can be the little shining star." At that point, my friends and I laughed harder
than we did when we first discovered Ruthie (of the Hawaii season) didn't change her rank black thong.
I immediately shouted at the TV: "Honey, if your other roommates were the Golden Girls and the entire
cast of Freaks and Geeks, you still wouldn't be the little shining star."
Once Danny, Melissa, and Jamie found their way to Belfort, the roommates effortlessly (and boringly)
picked rooms. Jamie wasn't there for 3 seconds before he had me rolling my eyes. He said, "I'm lucky.
The stork just dropped me in the right place." From the looks of things, I'd venture to say that the
stork dropped him a little too hard. Jamie said, "I've never lived with a gay guy before. Oh,
is 'gay' the politically correct term?" Hey Jamie, I've never seen a more cocky,
obnoxious bastard on the real world. Oops, is "cocky obnoxious bastard" PC nowadays? Hmm.
Hungry from their pathetic attempts at flirting and the shock of actually having
people to talk to, the roommates decided to cook some downhome Nawlins
cuisine. Melissa shouted, "Do we have any soy sauce?" Hi, Dorothy? You're not in Kansas anymore.
You're in New Orleans, not Wonton's Peking House.
By now, Danny has told everyone in the house far too many times that he has "a secret." Even after
observing a photo of him making out with another guy wearing only boxers, the roommates still
remained more clueless than the Backstreet Boys in a room full of instruments.
Melissa: "Ok, let me guess. You're a circus clown and you travel across the universe spreading
love and cheer!"
Jamie: "No, no. I've got it! He's uncircumcised!"
Kelley: "No. You're all wrong. His secret is that none of the hair on his head is real - it's a revolutionary
new treatment given by the people at Chia Head."
Frustrated, Danny gave up and left the room.
Cut to Julie whipping out her guitar and breaking into song. Shortly thereafter,
she inexplicably burst into tears. Obviously even she was negatively impacted by the
horrendous sounds emitting from her mouth. I took a moment away from the show to look out
my window and to make a wish on the first star I saw: "Hello star? It's me, Jill. Please
never, ever allow the editing crew at B&M to air another clip of Julie singing and playing
the guitar ever again. Bye!"
Thankfully, I returned to the TV just in time to hear Julie
exclaim, "It's 4:00 am and there's a boy in my bed! This is against the rules! But then again,
so is having a bed at all, so what does it even matter?" Oh, those crazy Mormons. Julie then said,
"I've never slept in the same room as a boy!" Kelley asked, "Not even your brother?" Julie shed
some light on her apparently scary family life when she replied, "My brother's not a boy!" Eeek.
I can just imagine the conversations going on in Julie's household:
Young Julie: "Mommy, why does little Eric have a vagina?"
Julie's Mommy: "Because dear, Eric is really Erica. We're just playing a few gender identity
games because we're bored. Now run along and play with your Lite Brite."
Young Julie: "Okay, mommy!"
Cut to Julie talking to David. She asked him what his first impression of her was. David showed that he,
too, could be as deep and corny as Kaia when he said, "You were fresh... like a snowflake." He then said,
"I'll corrupt you. I'm yellow snow." So basically, David is saying he has been urinated on by dogs, cats,
and those who can't afford indoor plumbing. Hey, it works for me.
David then spent several moments on the couch humming, and making facial grimaces not unlike the ones made
by my father the night he decided to cave in and eat my mother's meatloaf. I actually thought David might
have eaten a rancid piece of food, but it turns out he was just writing a song for Julie. The cameras
cut to the wincing mechanical dog on the ground, as if to say, "Even this robotic dog is laughing at you.
Do you know how stupid you look?"
Cut to Danny rambling about how great his military boyfriend, Paul, is. He talked about him as if they
knew each other for years and years. Umm, no. Turns out the two have known each other for a whopping
three weeks. Hi, I have milk in my fridge older than that. But that didn't stop Paul from coming to New
Orleans to see Danny. "Finally," I thought, "this show will get interesting! Risking a career for love!
Danger! Intrigue!" But no. Paul appeared on camera allright, but his face was blurred like one of Ruthie's
nudie bits last season.
After watching Danny make out with the blurred entity in the hot tub for several moments, my thoughts began
to drift to more interesting things, like, just how many licks until you get to the center of a tootsie roll
pop? I also wondered, since Shania Twain joined that "no sex" cult, if she had sex in a forest, but no one
was around to see it, did she still have sex?
Thankfully, before I started tackling even heavier subjects, we cut to Julie and David sitting in bed
talking to each other (for someone who isn't supposed to hang out in close quarters with guys, she sure
does a lot of it.) David said, "I love sex, and I'm good at it." Of course, David forgot to mention
that his idea of "sex" is spending a few quality moments alone after popping "Debbie Does Dallas" into the VCR.
So what did we learn tonight? Jamie and Kelley showed us they can be more bland than Melissa's
soy-sauceless rice. Matt taught us that no one should wear ugly oversized orange sunglasses.
David single-handedly brought do-rags to a new low. Danny made us all scream, "Will you please
stop smiling for just one second?" Melissa made us all mutter under our breath, "Thank GOD my
lips don't look like that." But perhaps Julie gave us the best lesson of all: no matter how good your
mom says your voice is, you should never, ever sing in public.
And that, my friends, brought the first week of Real World New Orleans drama to an end.
And now onto the almighty VOODOO awards!
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THE ALMIGHTY VOODOO AWARDS |
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most annoying character:
Julie. Come on. If you cry at yourself after playing "Landslide" on the guitar,
you're SHOE-IN for most annoying character.
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most vomit-worthy comment:
Melissa - "I hope everyone will be ugly so I can be the little shining star!" When this season's
over, she won't be remembered as the shining star. She'll be remembered as the stinking rose.
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week...
and remember,
never leave home without your Calrose rice.
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