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Episode #902 |
alternatively titled
Melissa's Bi-racial. We get it already! |
Got rice? |
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Ah yes... another week, another episode of the Real World.
Tonight's episode started with Melissa and David grocery shopping. Melissa asked him, "Are condoms on your list?"
and David replied, "No, but I think we should stock up on Glade air fresheners - Julie's been eating at Taco Bell
again." The two also had some old fashioned fun while they were there. David cracked a slew of
walnuts open with his biceps and fed them to the famished camera crew, and Melissa danced around with
only saltine crackers covering her nipples (at which time the thoroughly entertained butcher offered her a bargain deal on
salami, if you catch my drift.) After Melissa filled the cart with enough
rice to feed all of China for the next 20 years, the two were on their way.
Cut to Julie and Jamie eating in a random restaurant. Julie declared her love for bagels. As she smothered
enough cream cheese on her bagel to choke a horse, she
said, "I'd love to go to New York and eat a bagel!" Also on Julie's wish-list:
See Matt's ding-dong in Paris.
Touch Matt's ding-dong in Budapest.
Eat a ding-dong in Jersey City.
Next, Melissa said, "I want attention from everyone in the house. I want to be a star!" Just then
she whipped out a tophat and a pair of fishnets and did her best Bette Midler. Suddenly, two dancing clowns
(presumably Bunim & Murray, who want Julie to be the star of the season) ran onto
the set and yanked her away with a long cane. Thank God.
Cut to Melissa on a payphone bawling her eyes out to her sister. She said, "I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe I miss home? Or maybe I shouldn't have sliced all those onions for David's Ghetto Kitchen pilot?"
After the commercial break, the Melissa show continued. She exclaimed, "I"m feeling sorry for myself. I don't have
white girls at home for friends." Maybe it's the "Kill the Blonde Girl" bumpersticker she has on her car?
She also mentioned she was upset to be living with 2
attractive blondes... at which time she ran to the store to buy a black curly wig, some lemons, and to complain
about her freckles (whoops... sorry... this must be the point where I got bored and flipped the channel to the Brady
Bunch...)
Cut to Julie and Danny out jogging. Julie asked, "Since you're gay, do you like interior
design? Architecture? Goat farming? Chimney sweeping?" Danny replied, "Since you're blonde, do you turn the light
on after sex by opening the car door?" Julie giggled, and the two jogged on. Once they got home, Danny asked Julie
if she thought homosexuality was wrong. She replied, "For me it is morally wrong. But I love you." TRANSLATION:
"I'm a hypocrite."
The roommates decided to hit the bars. There was a quick scene of a guy spinning a bike tire on his head. I wondered
where he was last year, because he would have been perfect for one of those Local Motion talent(less) shows. But I digress.
After several minutes of Matt and Julie performing free "anti-drinking" public service announcements ("Drinking
is silly! Don't use alcohol - just wear orange shades and be cool like me!") we cut to Melissa grinding up against
David in the bar. He just stood there, scared out of his mind, as if he had just seen Roseanne's nude
Playboy spread. As he walked out of the bar, there was a voiceover of him saying, "I'm not feeling it." I'm not
sure how that was possible, since Melissa was grinding David's package harder than Eric Nies in his
workout video. What a harsh
bash to Melissa's ego. Mister "I slept with 8 women during Mardi Gras alone!" wouldn't touch her even when she was throwing
herself at him.
Melissa saw a sign calling for "female strippers." Feeling frisky from the whole TWO screwdrivers she had, (Ruthie
must be home laughing at what a liteweight Melissa is), she volunteered her services. An overweight woman with
horridly dyed blonde hair grabbed Melissa by the hand and led her into the dressing room. Melissa exclaimed, "I've
never done this before!" You think she's talking about stripping, but she's really referring to conversing
with a white blonde.
After the commercial break, we saw the huge "strip scene" that MTV's been over-hyping for the past month. Basically,
Melissa danced around topless on stage for 2 minutes while the roommates laughed AT her, not WITH her. Kelley said,
"My whole face hurt because I was laughing so hard!" Either that, or before they left,
she accidentally grabbed David's tube of penis-hardening cream instead of her moisturizer. Ouch.
Once again, it's bedtime. Kelley and Danny climbed into bed together. Julie followed suit and hopped into
her bed, giggling more than a kid who blurts out the word "vagina" for the first time. Danny explained
to her why gay people used the term "coming out of
the closet." He said, "You put things in the closet you want to hide." The producers then cut to a quick shot
inside the hall closet at Belfort. In it, we caught a glimpse of a book entitled "How To Cope After
Getting Kicked Out Of BYU" and a mangled license that revealed Jamie really lives in SOUTH Chicago (the horror!)
Finally, David told Melissa he wasn't comfortable with the way she was choosing to live her life.
Melissa said, "Fine. Then don't talk to me for
the next five and a half months!" Apparently, in Bunim/Murray time, five and a half months translates
to approximately 4 hours. The next day at breakfast, while David was ignoring her, Melissa said, "What's
your problem? Did you sprain your wrist again last night on your date with Emmanuelle on Cinemax?" David replied,
"You told me not to talk to you for 5 and a half months and I do what I'm told." You do? Ooh, let me
try! David, Simon Says "Take off that horrid do-rag. And while you're at it, don't talk to ANYONE for the
next five and a half months." Maybe it will work. My fingers are crossed.
Melissa pushed Cory from San Francisco out of first place for "whiniest castmember in an episode" when she burst
into tears and begged do-ragged David for mercy. At first, I thought Melissa was genuinely apologizing. Turns
out David was threatening to feed her bag of Calrose rice to the birds.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New Orleans drama to an end. And now onto the almighty VOODOO awards!
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THE ALMIGHTY VOODOO AWARDS |
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most annoying character:
David. His cockiness is enough to make me gag.
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most vomit-worthy comment:
Julie: "Homosexuality doesn't seem natural, because I don't see gay bunnies running around!" Yeah, and
I don't see horse-toothed Mormons running around every day, but I accept that they're out there
and that they (obviously) exist.
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week...
and remember,
even a 2 year old can put a puzzle together!
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