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Episode #903 |
alternatively titled
Here's the story of an ugly lady. . . |
YEAH! That's STANK! |
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Ah yes... another week, another episode of the Melissa show.
This week's episode started with Melissa saying, "Tonight I'm gonna meet a man!" Actually, it was more
like "Tonight I'm gonna meet a man, force him to take me out on a date, act completely obnoxious, and then
wonder why he dumps me." But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Melissa indeed met her man, Matt, that night at the bar. Matt said he was in a frat, and she said, "You don't
look like a fratboy, you look normal." Apparently, frat boys in Tampa have 3 heads and walk around on all fours.
Melissa then said, "Pick me up tomorrow, we're going on a date." Matt slipped off his Gucci shoes, tied up his
sneakers, and ran down the street faster than a teenage boy to the bathroom after watching
five minutes of scrambled porn. But the lure of the
real world cameras convinced him to return, and like many other weak mortals before him, he agreed to go
on a date he normally wouldn't have gone on, in the hopes of making it on the air (that makes him a SELLOUT
in my book.)
The Belfort doorbell rang. No, it wasn't Uncle Ben visiting in an attempt to get Melissa to convert to his brand of rice. It
was the postman. And no, he didn't ring twice. Anyway,
Danny answered the door (wearing that wretched grey Abercrombie sweater AGAIN) and signed for the
package that informed the roommates they'd be working at a "production facility." In her thirty seconds
of airtime, Kelley boldly revealed her true agenda: "I'm glad we're doing this, because it could be good for my
future!" Yeah, if her future includes winding up a washed-up has-been like every other real worlder in the show's
history. Poor Oprah must be shaking in her boots knowing Kelley's going to be receiving this valuable training.
Cut to the roommates meeting Elton, their boss at the TV station. Need a visual? Just picture Calvin minus
the smile and that whole
"spirit of aloha" thing. Elton told them, "You'll be creating a public access TV show dealing with issues not
normally discussed in the everyday media." Those issues include:
"Since Barbara Walters is famous, can't she afford some speech therapy?"
"Where are Whoopi Goldberg's eyebrows? And WHY is she always the center square?"
"Who's kids will wind up in therapy first - Dr. Laura's or Kathie Lee Gifford's?"
The roommates were then handed the keys to a sweet sport-utility vehicle. Teck got behind the wheel
and started beeping and shouting out the window to girls on the street. (Oh, damn. I'm having one of
those pesky real world Hawaii flashbacks again.) On the ride home, Julie regressed into childhood. She
wrinkled up her nose, altered her voice, and started impersonating Elton. It would have been slightly
amusing if I wasn't so horrified by her contorted facial expressions. Jeez, Julie? Didn't your mother ever
tell you that your face could freeze in those positions?
Cut to Matt arriving at Belfort to pick Melissa up for their big "date." The two lovebirds walked out to
Matt's yuppy-mobile (some kind of S.U.V.) and Melissa said, "Wow! I've never dated anyone with a nice car before!"
Instead, most guys pick her up on their dirtbikes and force her to ride on the handlebars. (And by the way,
she already thinks they're "dating?" Give me a break. Please.)
How romantic - the two spent their first moments together in a small coat shop. Melissa told the girl who
worked there, "This is Matt. We're on a date." Say it a few more times, honey.
Matt looked like he wanted to run out of the place, but
Mary Ellis Bunim stepped on set, palmed him a $50, and begged him to stay. He obliged.
At least 600 skunks had to die to make the first coat that Melissa tried on. She loved it. She looked in the mirror
and screamed out, "Yeah, that's stank!" I don't know about skunks in Tampa, but here in
Connecticut they wreak worse than Designer Imposters (note:I was going to write "they wreak worse than
Richard Simmons after an entire night of Sweatin' to the Oldies." I couldn't decide. So you get both.)
Melissa then said, "I like long coats because
they hide my big ghetto butt." She also likes them because they have large, handy storage areas for
her 800-lb bags of rice.
Matt and Melissa then went to eat. After finding out the two were going to be eating the same sandwich, Melissa
said, "That's it, we're in love!" Poor Matt looked more uncomfortable than Calista Flockhart at an all you can eat
buffet. When they left the restaurant, Matt helped Melissa put her coat on. This caused her to whine for
twenty minutes about how she "never dates nice guys" and how it's "not her to date guys who open doors."
Melissa actually said, "You're so nice that it's grossing me out." How the hell do you make this bitch
happy? Maybe he should have beat her over the head with one of his Gucci shoes. Or maybe she wanted him to
slam her hand in the car door. On second thought, if he did that, she'd probably start stalking him.
After the commercial break, we see Elton sitting alone at a huge table, waiting for the real worlders to
arrive at work. He looked more disturbed than Ramona after she got her ass voted off the island. He said to them,
"You guys are a half hour late. You've wasted a half hour of my time. You shall all spend an eternity in hell
listening to John Tesh albums."
Did Julie whip out her holy water and begin to pray? Nope. She started laughing. Elton said, "It's not funny!"
Oh, but it was. Even funnier was the title the real worlders came up with for their show: "The Real Big Easy."
Elton was harder on them than an East German judge and told them the idea was "too obvious... too easy...
easier than Melissa after a few drinks..." so the roommates were sent home where they could
peacefully think of new ideas without being interrupted by cool robotic dogs, IKEA furniture, or
pesky cameramen.
Cut to Melissa and Julie in a "limo" with Matt and a bunch of his drunk friends (it was Matt's birthday.) This vehicle
wasn't a "limo" at all, but one of those lame van things that picks you up and takes you to the airport. The whole
scene had more cheese than a Ricky Martin concert. But I digress. Once inside the van,
Melissa outlined to Matt the reasons why he SHOULDN'T like her (as if they aren't obvious enough.) She said, "I
don't sip champagne. I'm not a typical girl. I have a vagina, half a penis, and one testicle. I have no friends. My ass
is huge. So are my lips. And I wreak." This, of course, made Matt run off to find another girl. It ended up
being a fat, pale asian chick who was wearing far too much eye makeup and a dress that was six sizes too tight.
Melissa was jealous, so she said to one of Matt's friends, "My boobs are nicer than hers!" But considering a pregnant
sow's boobs would look nicer than that girl's boobs, Melissa's comment didn't pack too much of a punch.
Matt, obviously intrigued enough by the Real World glam to put up with Melissa's obnoxious antics, came back
to Belfort to hang out in the hot tub. Melissa whined for another twenty minutes - "You didn't ask me anything
about me or my family! Don't you have any questions about me? ME? Don't you want to know what I weighed when
I was born? When I first had sex? The first time my lips scared a boy away?" Call me crazy, but I don't recall
Melissa asking Matt anything about HIS family (of course, other than "are you rich?" and "are you spoiled?") Frustrated
that Matt was trying to hold her hand instead of trying to drown her in the scalding hot tub water, Melissa
said, "I can't deal with spoiled frat boys in Gucci shoes." Once again, I say PUH-LEEZ. Melissa is so
full of shit that she needs to spend a week alone in the bathroom relieving herself. Somebody pass the
prunes. And the Lysol.
Cut to the roommates running to work the next day. Julie was wearing a pair of YELLOW sunglasses.
They say you emulate those that you admire, but do you have to do it so damn blatantly? Sheesh. Anyway,
Kelley practiced for her future job as a cheesy local-station anchor woman during their first training
session. Kelley said, "This is the real seven at seven on channel seven thousand, seven hundred seventy seven..."
after which Kelley's head exploded. In a confessional, she said, "I hope I can shine and come out on
top because this means something to me." Hmm... someone's been hanging around Melissa too long. The only
other noteworthy part of this segment was that one of the female equipment trainers looked
EXACTLY like Elvira. I'm still
humming: "giddy up.. pa ooh, pa pa ooh, pa pa mau mau..."
Back at Belfort, Melissa told Jamie "I would never even talk to
you in my real life." And she wonders why she has no friends? It's not like Jamie would be beating her
door down, either. Anyway, in a voiceover, Jamie said, "I'm the
embodiment of everything she hates. But hey, can you blame her? I'm an asshole! Oops, is that P.C.?"
Melissa hadn't heard from Matt in 3 days (Hello, Melissa? This is reality calling...) so she decided to phone him.
He said, "Did you
get my message? I was out of town!" Sure you were. And Darva Conger's not a money-grabbing whorebag. Melissa then
said, "You have Gucci shoes. I have Target jeans. You wouldn't like me." Finally willing to admit that being on
the real world for a few more minutes just wouldn't be worth the torture of putting up with Melissa, he "dumped"
her. Thank God. Amen. No more Melissa whining...
...or so I hoped. Melissa invaded the bedroom of Kelley, Julie, and Danny, and said, "I want to
believe I'm a prize. I want to be earned!" Yeah, she's a prize allright. Maybe they could give her away to the lucky
bastard who sinks three wiffle balls in the milk can at the carnival. Danny had the best line of the night when
he said, "It's time for bed!" Melissa kept talking, so he said it again. "Let's just go to bed!" Translation for the
stupid (and for Melissa): "Shut the hell up. No one wants to hear one more word out of your obnoxious mouth."
Finally, she took the hint... and left the room...
...and made her way into the living room. She had to annoy us all one final time by lying on the couch in order to
detail the faces she makes and the way she acts while
she's having sex. Note to guys: stop thinking of baseball - start thinking of the faces she made on that couch.
That should really help you out. That little scene thankfully brought the episode of All Things Melissa to an end. Say it
with me: AMEN.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New Orleans drama to an end. And now onto the almighty VOODOO awards!
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THE ALMIGHTY VOODOO AWARDS |
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most annoying character:
Do I even need to say it? MELISSA. Why? Reread the entire review.
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most vomit-worthy comment:
You mean I have to pick just one? Now that's tough. I give the award to MELISSA: "I can't deal with
spoiled frat boys in Gucci shoes." Guess what? They can't deal with annoying, huge-lipped, insecure
bitches who have "ghetto butts."
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week...
and guys - remember,
for the love of God, never ever ever go on a date with Melissa...
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