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Episode #904 |
alternatively titled
Come on everyone, let's flirt with Jamie! |
TWIG AND BERRIES! |
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Ah yes... another week, another episode of the Real World. Before we start, I'd just like to say
I hope you had a better time this July 4th than Matt did at the drag show.
Tonight's episode started with Kelley and Jamie conversing:
Kelley: "Are you a relationship person?"
Jamie: "Well, girls run for their lives after they try to run their hands through my gel-infested hair for the first
time, so I'd have to say no."
Kelley: "What-ever!"
Jamie then enlightened us by sharing that there are two types of women in his life, "those who don't know him,
and those who want to marry him." When I was done laughing at that comment, I realized that Jamie forgot
all about the third and fourth types of women, "those who aren't impressed that he owns a bungee cord"
and "those who feel the urge to projectile vomit whenever he opens his mouth."
Kelley then asked Jamie, "Why don't you have a girlfriend? What's wrong with you?" Jamie immediately
pulled down his pants to reveal a huge tattoo of Ed McMahon's face on his left asscheek. He then said, "My rampant
case of jock itch scares girls away. And I've come to learn they're not really fans of excess backhair, either." Well, I
guess that answers that question.
Cut to the roommates (guess where?) at a club. After doing more grinding to Melissa's "ghetto booty" than my
butcher did to my chop meat, Jamie said, "I'm attracted to Melissa, but I won't act on it. I won't date
any chick who shops at Target. Plus, her horrid
stench keeps me at bay." Must be that damn skunk coat again. Kelley then said, "Jamie's hot. And after a few
drinks, he's hotter. But then again, after a few drinks, I'd probably go home with John Goodman. ((chugs
beer)) Hey, jock itch isn't all that bad!" In the spookiest scene of the night,
Dr. Ruth then came running into the club, screaming, "Don't forget to wear a condom when having sex with guys
who have jock itch!" She then disappeared.
Cut to Jamie in the confessional. He said, "Kelley is forbidden fruit. And Danny IS a fruit. Gay people like to
be called fruits, right?" Siegfried and Roy then broke into the confessional and kicked his ass. Jamie cried
harder than John Rocker did when he was demoted to the minor leagues. Amusing stuff, really.
After the commercial break, the roommates went out to the club again. It was here that Kelley met Peter, her
current medical resident boyfriend.
Kelley informed Jamie that Peter was "a surfer." Jamie made the "surfer" sign with his
fingers and screamed "KOWABUNGA, DUDES!" and then he ran off to have a drink with the other three Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles who were sitting at the bar waiting for him. Heroes in a half-shell!
Cut to Peter and Kelley sitting at a table in a dark restaurant. Kelley said, "I really like you." So, before leaving,
she did what any real worlder who likes a guy would do: she drew two boxes and
scribbled the words "Do you like me? Check yes or no!" on a napkin and handed it to him. She then left. Move
over, Sylvester Stallone - this is a real cliffhanger.
Back at Belfort, Julie asked Matt to attend a drag show that she, Kelley, Melissa, and some random guy named
Anthony would be performing in. Without so much as calling up his mommy to see if it'd be okay for him
to attend, Matt said, "No. I hate drag queens. They're like really messed up clowns." Just then, RuPaul kicked the
front door in and screamed, "Matt, you better WORK!" But Matt still didn't want to go. In a final attempt to
convince him otherwise, Julie said, "Come on! There will be a man with dragon scales all over his body! And
there will also be free cocaine! And real, live hookers!" Matt's eyes were more lit up than Pamela Anderson's
the first time she saw Tommy Lee's manhood, and he agreed to make an appearance. In a voiceover, Julie then
made a confusing analogy: "Whenever I'm up to bat, he's in the bleachers. Meanwhile, Melissa's already on second base
with Jamie, and Kelley's screwing some doctor on third. But WHO'S ON FIRST?"
Cut to Melissa running into Belfort with her new, shorter haircut. At least this will help us all out with the timing
issues that Bunim-Murray so love to ignore. Anyway, after the drag queen show (how stupid did the girls
look with those wigs and that blue lipstick?), Danny said that he saw Jamie making out with a girl in the bathroom, with a girl
on the street, with a stray dog outside the club, and with each and every member of the Village People
who were slated to perform after the drag show. Dr. Ruth ran onto the set again, this time nude, screaming,
"Remember! If you are going to have sex with more than one partner, or with a stray animal, take lots of pictures, because
your friends will never believe your story!" Once again, she mysteriously disappeared
into the night.
Uh-oh. It's 7:20 in the morning, and Kelley never came home last night. Julie looked more upset than I did after
I shelled out $10 to see The Perfect Storm. She then told Danny, "She better not be sleeping with that Peter guy!"
Just then, Kelley called Belfort to let everyone know she was "okay." Good thing she made that phonecall to ease
their minds - I'm sure they were really worried underneath all that giggling and flirting.
Once Kelley got home, she told Melissa, "Peter's too good to be true. His bedroom is clean, and the toilet seat
is down in the bathroom. He also has one of those cool little paper weights with sand in them, and a chia pet. Wow!"
The two then moved into the kitchen to confront Jamie about the women he's been hooking up with. Kelley said,
"I heard you hooked up with a fat, bald, 45-year old woman in a yellow shirt!" In one of the most blatant
displays of obnoxiousness that I've ever seen on TRW, Jamie put his fingers in his ears and sang, "I'm not listening
to you!" He must have learned that in one of his anger management classes: "When someone makes you angry, do
not grab at their neck and choke them until they take their last breath. Instead, sing a happy little song!"
Kelley and Jamie then had another conversation:
Kelley: "If you kiss fat, bald, 45 year old women, would you have anything against kissing people in this house?"
Jamie: "I don't have anything against kissing anyone, as long as they don't mind catching my herpes. I'm
a slut."
Kelley: "I see. Well then, is there any room for depth in the relationship? Or is it purely physical?"
Jamie: "I've never been in a relationship where it's gone too deep. That would be impossible, because my
penis is so very tiny."
Kelley: "No. I mean, could the relationship GROW?"
Jamie: "No way. I have too much on my plate now. Maybe after I eat this last piece of toast and the rest of my
hash browns, I'll have a little room."
Kelley: "What-EVER!"
Cut to Julie asking Kelley, "You didn't have sex with Peter, did you?" Kelley replied, "No! I've only known him
for 3 days. What do you think I am, a whore?" Julie then removed her false teeth and scampered off into the bedroom
with her tail between her legs. Julie needs to learn how to shut up. There's a silent, unspoken rule amongst us
non-Mormons that says you can't ask a friend about their sex life
until you've known them for at least 4 months. They've known each other for 4 days. Tisk, tisk, Julie. No
soup for you!
In the final scene of the night, we see Melissa rummaging through the closet looking for board games she and Jamie
could play to entertain themselves. But wouldn't you know it, the two settled on a bubble bath instead.
Cut to the two of them
in the tub together. Jamie puckered up and planted a small kiss on Melissa's lips. She looked more excited than
Anna Nicole Smith did when the doctors told her that her rich, 400 year old husband was dead. Meanwhile, Bunim and
Murray popped the cork off the champagne bottle and toasted to successfully manipulating another "in-house
roommate hookup." After the kiss, Melissa said, "That was bootylicious!" and Jamie said, "She's raw!" Wow, aren't these
roommates just totally dope, fly, and superkool?
Finally, the most amusing scene of the night - Jamie was wearing a Britney Spears-ish skirt/kilt as the credits were
rolling on by. Melissa sat on his lap and squirmed around a little bit and Jamie said, "Those are my twig
and berries!" I was half expecting Melissa to pull out a stuffed bunny and beg Jamie to kiss it as Heather Nova's
"Heart and Shoulder" played in the background. But no. MTV rolled right into that unbelievably lame "Lyricists Lounge Show"
without any bunny kissing. Those bastards.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New Orleans drama to an end. And now onto the almighty VOODOO awards!
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THE ALMIGHTY VOODOO AWARDS |
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most annoying character:
Jamie. He's just such an idiot. Oooh, you own your own bungee cord! Let me bow at your feet.
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most vomit-worthy comment:
Melissa (about Jamie): "I'm like a tootsie roll to his Godiva." Someone needs to wake this girl up. If you
keep telling yourself you're a piece of second-rate crap, guess what? You'll become a second-rate piece of
crap. Try gaining a little self-confidence. Your "Poor-Me" routine got old a LONG time ago.
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week...
and ladies,
if you see Jamie out at a bar, RUN...
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