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Episode #905 |
alternatively titled
"It's my party and I'll hump if I want to" |
Bye bye, Ryan! |
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Ah yes... another week, another episode of the Real World.
Tonight's episode opened with Julie sitting in the confessional, wearing a long red wig that was on loan from her idol,
Cher. She grabbed a makeshift microphone and then broke out into song:
"Do you believe in love on real world?
(on real world? on real world? on real world?)
I can hear something inside me say
I really don't think I'm Matt's type of girl,
Whoa..."
Julie then said, "We were bored, so we decided to go to a bar." Let me guess: that's what all
non-drinking Mormons do for fun, right? Hi, Julie? It's me, Jill. You don't drink, remember?
Why are you blindly following everyone out to the bars?? Hmm. Cut to the crew outside Belfort. Julie, still wearing
the heinous red wig, was riding a skateboard across the front porch. She disappeared from view, and then
we heard this loud, glass-breaking noise. Either Julie skated into a window, one of the crew guys erupted into
a fit of spontaneous laughter while filming Julie in that wig, causing him to drop the camera and shatter the
lens. Things that make you go hmm....
Cut to the roommates out at the bar. David is bartending. In a voiceover, he said, "Now I can send some
money back home to my ma, and to my eleven baby's mothers. And if there's any money left over, I'll finally be
able to buy the $9.99 "How To Play Piano Better Than Elton John" video I've always wanted but
could never afford. Yay!"
Jamie and Melissa were flirting in the corner as usual. Melissa said, "I don't want to like Jamie but I feel
it every time I'm with him." Now I'm no Dr. Ruth, but I do know you can usually feel those things when you're
bent over and shoving your butt into them. Melissa then said, "I'm a nerd, and you're a nerd, and two nerds
together would be bad. But then again, that'd make it really easy for me to get into the Omega Moo's sorority next
semester!" Just then, a leotard-clad guy named "LaMar" ran into the bar, threw a javelin, and then disappeared.
(tip for the clueless: that was a "Revenge Of The Nerds" joke.)
Back at Belfort, Melissa got a call from Ryan, her boyfriend of one and a half months. Ryan said he was coming
to visit. Melissa suddenly looked more terrified than Julie's dentist the last time she went in for a cleaning. She
immediately tried her hardest to convince him not to come.
Melissa: "There's nowhere for you to sleep here."
Ryan: "That's okay, I'll get a hotel."
Melissa: "Oh. Uhh, there are rats in New Orleans. Huge, filthy rats!"
Ryan: "That's okay, babe, I've hung around you and your friends before. I'm used to dealing with rats."
Melissa: "Oh. Really? Uhh, well, did you know that the air here is really carcinogenic to males? If you breathe it for
more than 4 seconds, you'll have a 99% higher chance of developing testicular cancer!"
Ryan: "No problem, I'll just bring my scuba gear."
Melissa: "But if you come, I'm just going to ignore you, because I really don't like you."
Ryan: "That's okay babe, because I have enough love for the both of us."
Cut to a doo-ragged David playing the piano. I will say that he is a talented musician,
but what he said next shed a frightening light on his social life: "I love the piano. It's my best friend." Well,
he sure does do a lot of banging and stroking to his best friend, wouldn't you say? Then following that same logic,
his doo-rag must be his girlfriend, and his weight machine must be his brother. Imagine the fun he must
have at family reunions! Julie then said, "David... I just have to ask you... you didn't sleep with
the piano, did you? I mean, because, you were there with it for so long and stuff..." David said, "What do you
think I am, a whore? Oh, wait, I am a whore! Now, where'd I put that penis pump?"
Meanwhile, back at Belfort, stupid Matt was already talking about "kicking David out of Belfort" if he didn't
start to contribute to the job at the TV station. I got misty-eyed as I remembered the old days, when
a roommate could slap another roommate across the face and/or act like a belligerent drunk without
being expelled from the house. Those were the days!
Once David got back from playing his "best friend," he and Kelley had what has to be dubbed the weakest
fight of all time:
Kelley: "I don't know what you're doing. I can't read your mind. Put stuff down on paper."
David: "Oh, don't you go into battle with me, because you'll lose. Look at the size of my biceps.
I'll squash you with my superhuman hamstrings."
Kelley: "I can not have a conversation like this with you every day."
David: "Good. Because there's no way I'm having this conversation with you."
Kelley: "ohMIgod. This conversation is, like, so totally over."
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Danny was eavesdropping on the confrontation between Kelley and David.
He suddenly regressed into a child on a school playground who just learned two
kids were kicking each other's asses and screamed, "FIIIIIGHHHHHTTTT!" He would have moved in to
get a closer look, but he knew that the stench from his grey perma-sweater would have given him away.
(...and while we're talking about Danny, I feel the need to mention that this kid is crying out for a shower
and a brush, and maybe even a little foundation to cover up those huge, unsightly red spots he has all
over his face.)
After the first commercial break, Melissa was on the phone with Ryan again. This time, she said, "You
don't understand the disaster and possible trauma that will happen if you come here!" Having seen
the episode, I now know she was talking about the blindness and mass vomiting that would occur as a result of her
dancing around the house in her underwear. She then said, "I don't want to cry when you come here." Ryan said, "Then just
don't try to squeeze your ass into those size 4 shorts while I'm there. I know how that upsets you." Frustrated,
Melissa gave up.
Cut to the studio. Jamie said, "We have to walk around New Orleans and film ourselves doing stupid
things." Well, duh, that one's easier than the $100 question on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."
They've already been filmed doing stupid things while
walking around New Orleans. Why not just borrow some footage from the B+M camera guys?
Suddenly, I wasn't sure if I was watching The Real World, or a really horribly acted episode of
90210. Melissa and David started fighting about, well, nothing.
Melissa: "David, calm down. I just wanted to chill at the After Dark with Dylan alone, that's all."
David: "YOU NEED TO HYPE THE F-CK DOWN!"
Melissa: "Don't talk like that to me, you f-cking asshole! Screw you, I'm going to the Peach
Pit for a burger! Come on, Kelley!"
She and Kelley then stormed out of the room. And then we were forced to watch another Sony commercial starring that
weird, furry blue creature. Guys across America were all saying, "Hey, how the hell can that blue thing get a chick
like Audrey, when I'm still alone here with a Budweiser and the latest issue of Penthouse?"
After the break, Melissa was preparing for Ryan's arrival. She announced, "It's about to get real nerdy up in
here!" Then she pulled out her pocket protector and her calculator and started to file the tax day paperwork for
everyone in the house. Just when I thought it couldn't get any nerdier, the roommates and the camera crew
alike all started doing the chicken dance. The horror!
Personally, I haven't had a pizza party since I was about 8 years old. That's why I found it so humorous to see Melissa and
her little friends gathered around the table of a Pizza Hut in celebration of her 23rd birthday. In between
bites of cheesy yumminess, she said, "See Ryan? New Orleans is about pizza and fun!" Ryan replied, "Man, the guy
at the travel agency said I'd get to see some boobs while I was here. This is boring. I want my money back."
I firmly believe that Jamie is really a homosexual in denial (to quote Seinfeld, "not that there's anything wrong
with that!") The fact that he got a handful of drag queens to sing "happy birthday" to Melissa only added fuel to my
theory. Cut to the roommates at the Red Room, where drag queens sang (and this is not a joke),
"Happy birthday Melissa, you drunk ass! Happy birthday to you, you huge ho!" Wow, talk about appropriate.
Meanwhile, another drag queen walked up to Matt and said, "How's THIS for a messed up clown, bitch!"
Matt was so terrified by the queen that he clutched his blankie closer to his chest and peed his pants.
After he changed his underwear, Matt said, "I feel bad for Ryan. The first night he came to see her, she's dancing
with drag queens and stripping on a table. That's not the welcome I would want from my girlfriend." Of course
not. Matt would want his girlfriend to welcome him with gifts of gold, frankensence, and myrrh. And then the two
lovebirds would spend their Friday night reciting Bible verse and flipping through the new Oakley sunglasses
catalog. How dreamy!
Next, Kelley (wearing a platinum blonde wig) and Danny (red faced as usual) shared a random kiss. Much to Kelley's
dismay, Danny was still gay after her tongue was surgically removed from his throat.
David has got to be the most hypocritical real worlder ever. Remember how he threw a huge hissyfit when Melissa stripped?
Obviously, David hails from the "I can but you can't" borough of Chicago, because he got on stage and started (guess
what?) stripping. He said, "I have no money, so I have to give Melissa an economical gift." Honey, if you have no
money, buy her a blowpop or something. Pick her some flowers. Don't go on a stage and shake your ass in her
face. (Mental note: do not invite David to my next birthday party.) The whole thing was just strange.
The day before, they were swearing at each other. Today, he's on stage stripping for her. Let me guess,
tomorrow he'll be butt naked in her bed with a keyboard? Enough's enough!
Back at Belfort, after all the festivities ended, Melissa said, "That's the best birthday party I ever had with
a bunch of strangers!" Apparently, Melissa is in the habit of having a "strangers only" policy at her parties.
I guess you have to have some strange rules when you have no friends. She then
proceeded to dance around the house wearing nothing but a skimpy t-shirt and a pair of ugly, shimmery underwear
(that probably came from K-Mart, as she said in the casting special. Blue light special in aisle 4!) Melissa
shoved her butt into Jamie's package and said, "Will you marry me because I'm in love with you!" Jamie did what
any homosexual male would do: he shrugged it off and scampered away into Danny's bedroom to steal his
latest issue of Playgirl magazine.
Since she struck out with Jamie,
Melissa decided to try her luck with David. She said, "Can me, you, and Jamie get in a menagerie?" Time for
a vocab lesson, everybody!
me*nag*er*ie (noun)
1: a place where animals are kept and trained esp. for exhibition
only known synonym: BELFORT
Cut to the next day. Melissa is out with Ryan. They had a conversation that went a little something like this:
Melissa: "I made it pretty obvious that there are amoebas 20,000 leagues under the sea that mean more to me
than you do. Get it?"
Ryan: "I don't know."
Melissa: "Look. Idiot. Get it through your skull. You're nice to me, but I like to be used and abused. Piss off."
Ryan: "I should say you're a bitch, but I love you, you big meanie!"
Melissa then admitted what we've all been screaming at the TV for the past month: "I'm the asshole now." Hallelujah!
She sees the light!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New Orleans drama to an end. And now onto the almighty VOODOO awards!
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THE ALMIGHTY VOODOO AWARDS |
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most annoying character:
DAVID. What a hypocrite. No wonder his best friend is a mechanical object.
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most vomit-worthy comment:
DAVID: "Don't get into a battle with me because you'll lose!" Need I say more??
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week...
and remember, if the keyboard is
your best
friend, you MIGHT want to seek help...
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