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Episode #907 |
alternatively titled
Come on, be my baby tonight! |
David is LAME. |
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NEWS FLASH: Between 10:10 and 10:30 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2000, 911 operators on the East Coast fielded
850,000 calls from people who claimed to be "dying of laughter." Experts say the outbursts of laughter began when
David from the Real World New Orleans asked millions of Americans to "come on and be his baby tonight." Stay tuned -
more news when it becomes available.
Ah yes... another week, another episode of the Real World.
Tonight's episode started with Melissa, Jamie, and Julie interviewing people on the streets of New Orleans for their
cheesy public access show, "the real 7 at 777 on channel 777 and 77 bottles of beer on the wall."
They were trying to find out what sorts of things the people of New Orleans would be interested in hearing
about. Now I don't know about you guys, but I was rather disturbed by the kinds of questions
the roommates were asking these poor, innocent people.
Melissa:
"Would you have any interest in seeing me try to tie my shoe laces with my lips? Or would it be more
entertaining to watch me siphon gas out of a car, inadvertently inhale the fumes, and then pass out?"
Julie: "I know where to buy the best crack in New Orleans. Would you be interested in learning about such issues?"
Jamie: "Um, do these jeans make my face look ugly?"
Back at Belfort, Kelley decided it was time to take charge, so she organized a house meeting to discuss the upcoming show.
She suddenly transformed into that 2nd grade teacher we all hated and said, "Whoever wants to type up the
issues, raise your hand. Also remember to raise your hand and ask before you
go pee-pee, and don't talk to strangers on the way to the bathroom." In the confessional, Kelley then said
she felt like she felt like the house mom. Just then she got up to force-feed Julie some carrots, change David's
doo-rag, and wipe Danny's runny nose. Aww, what a mom.
Cut to the production studio where each of the roommates were being filmed answering 5 questions for their first show
to introduce themselves to the people of New Orleans. The five questions were:
1) What is your favorite food?
2) What is your favorite book?
3) Who do you look up to?
4) What do you plan to do bring to the show?
5) What do you do in your spare time?
Everyone was giving their own cheesy little answers (Kelley: "I love Oprah, but what's with her? She's fat, she's thin. She's
fat, she's thin!") But David chose to stand in front of a keyboard and hum some horriffic tune. His face was
doing more gymnastics than Mary Lou Retton during her floor routine. Frankly, he looked like he was about to
run to the bathroom to do a "number two." Somebody pass that boy some Metamucil.
Kelley finally confronted David, and said that he looked stupid because he didn't answer the questions (for those
of you who were lucky enough to miss it, he was just standing there humming and making bee-bopping noises like
an out of work scat singer.) David said, "I did too answer the questions. It's flow! You don't understand flow!"
Yeah, Kelley! I understood things just fine! In fact, I took the liberty of translating David's answers for all
of you who aren't fluent in "flow."
1) What is your Favorite food?
David's answer: bee bop, CHICKEN, skee dop dooooooo
2) What is your favorite book?
David's answer: Ba diddilly doo, GREEN EGGS AND HAM skip badidilly dooo
3) Who do you look up to?
David's answer: Thugs (you've been with)
4) What you plan to bring to the show?
David's answer: ba boo, atti-tude, ba doo doo
5) What you like to do in your spare time?
David's answer: COME! (on be my baby tonight)
I finally stopped laughing at David by time the first set of commercials ended. The roommates were still at the
station, filming dry runs of their first episode. No one knew what the hell was going on. The whole thing was more
scattered than a group of fat people after someone yells "ICE CREAM MAN!" Kelley said, "This is all
coming out of my ass!" So let me get this straight: either she was making up
everything she was saying, or she tried one of those new Chalupa things at Taco Bell.
A warning pops up across the screen: "THREE HOURS TILL SHOWTIME!" Kelley, wearing glasses that are 50 times too big
for her face, is on the internet (supposedly searching for stuff to talk about on the show.) When the camera
panned to the computer screen, I was shocked to discover that Kelley typed "Sex With Farm Animals" into the search index.
The horror!
It's finally showtime! Kelley introduced the segment the roommates had filmed earlier, and said, "Here's an
insight into our personalities. Sit back, relax, and meet your seven new best friends!" Hell, if your best friends include
a facial grimacing singer, an incestuous Mormon, and a dorky wannabe fly-guy, I think it'd be about time to re-evaluate
your life, wouldn't you say?
The segment was filled with little things that would make one laugh out loud at just how lame these
real worlders are. In a weak attempt to be funny, Melissa said her favorite book was "The Yeast Connection." After she
uttered that line, bakers and pastry chefs all over the world vowed to never prepare another loaf of bread again, just so
they wouldn't have to think of her face every time they stepped into the kitchen. Julie said her favorite things
were "Romeo and Juliet, and boys with spikey hair." Imagine if Romeo had spikey hair? That'd really drive poor, clueless
Julie over the edge, wouldn't it? At that moment, Matt whipped out a brush and combed his hair straight, removing
any spikes that might float Julie's boat, thus sending him straight into the depths of hell.
Just when you thought you couldn't laugh any harder, David's little montage came on. I can't even remotely do the
lameness of this segment justice for those of you who haven't witnessed it with your own poor eyes and ears, but let
it suffice to say D'Angelo doesn't need to worry about David's competition for next year's Best R&B Grammy. David
was sitting in a chair with his shirt off - pretending to be talking into some cellphone (who was on the other
end of the line? My guess is 1-900-HAIRY-STUDDS.) His brilliant song
was playing in the background as he was standing shirtless by expensive cars that weren't even his. I was waiting
for some poor, defenseless old lady to crawl out of one of the cars screaming, "Get away from my car you freak!" and then
proceed to beat him with her pocketbook. Darn, I was having one of those pesky real world fantasies again. Anyway,
the words
to David's song were priceless: "I see how you treat other thugs you've been with so come on be my baby tonight!"
Danny said it best: "It was like a bad rap video." I thought it looked like a cheesy "Gay Males" personal or something.
I was half expecting him to say, "I like moonlit walks along the beach, watching the sun set, and touching the
chests of muscular hairy men." Regardless, everyone in South Chicago is hanging their head in shame at the freak who is
on MTV representing their hometown.
When the montage was over, the camera focused on David and he screamed, "Wasn't that absolutely tiiiii-ght! We'll
be right back!" The only "tight" thing I saw was the repulsive doo-rag on David's head. I'm convinced that thing
is just cutting off circulation to his brain, causing him to act more lame each and every day.
Back at Belfort (obviously a few days after the show aired), Melissa told Kelley she heard the people of New Orleans
absolutely hated their public access show. The natives consider them to be "seven brats talking about things they
know nothing about." Well duh, haven't they ever watched the Real World in the past? That pretty much sums up the
whole show in a nutshell!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New Orleans drama to an end. This review
seems to be a little shorter than most - but that's just because absolutely nothing happened on this
episode. And for the record - I'd just like to say
that if anyone knows what "shoobie shoop shoop be bong ding dang" means, feel free to drop me a line.
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THE ALMIGHTY VOODOO AWARDS |
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most annoying character:
Do I even need to say it? DAVID. His video montage was packed with more annoyingness than some real worlders
display in an entire season. SHUT THE HELL UP DAVID.
This week's ALMIGHTY VOODOO award for the most vomit-worthy comment:
MATT: "Hey Elton, we need praise!" Oh, poor baby! Mattie Wattie can't make it in the Real World without
his mommy there to wipe his ass and praise him. Grow up and get a clue, freak.
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week...
and remember, I KNOW how you've
treated other thugs...
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