STARTING NOW: week of 7/27/08

Published on: July 28, 2008 – 8:17 pm - Submitted by POPHANGOVER

Starting Now - Pophangover’s version of New Rules with Bill Maher. This week’s theme: BATMAN DARK KNIGHT

STARTING NOW:

Stop talking about how much money Batman: Dark Knight made. For the last 2 weeks, all the internet and TV news sites have been giving hourly blow by blows of all the money that’s been rolling in. Message received: the movie has more “GROSS” than a close-up shot of Amy Winehouse’s fingernails. Let’s move on.

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STARTING NOW:

No more three hour movies. I went into Batman at 7:30 pm, and came out feeling like I just woke up in the year 2032 after taking half a bottle of Ambien. If self indulgent producers and directors expect me to sit in those uncomfortable theater chairs for 180 minutes, they better at least send me an Edible Arrangement and a bottle of Petron afterwords. I don’t even like to do anything that feels GOOD for 3 hours… so wrap that shit up in under 2.

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STARTING NOW:

Dead people aren’t allowed to get Oscar nominations. Why? THEY’RE DEAD! Sure, Heath Ledger was a talented actor, and yes he made the Joker scarier than the sight of an Asian behind the wheel, but come on. Let’s leave the communicating with the dead to John Edward.
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STARTING NOW:

There’s got to be a limit to the amount of food people bring into movie theaters. It’s not just popcorn and candy anymore - now people are chowing down on hamburgers, hot dogs, nachos, and pizza. The entire place smells worse than feeding time at the San Diego Zoo. Have Americans gotten so fat that we need TWO dinners? Enough is enough… I can hardly hear the movie over the sound of your ass expanding.

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STARTING NOW: week of 7/20/08

Published on: July 21, 2008 – 3:51 pm - Submitted by POPHANGOVER

Starting Now - Pophangover’s version of New Rules with Bill Maher

STARTING NOW:

Fat people aren’t allowed to write weight loss books. This week, American Idol judge Randy Jackson announced he will soon be publishing a book called The No-Nonsense Guide to Getting Fit, Eating Better, and Living Longer. Great idea - because there’s nothing like getting dieting advice and tips on how to live longer from a fat man with type II diabetes. What’s next, Ellen Degeneres with a book on how to meet men?

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STARTING NOW:

Famous people have to stop denying they got plastic surgery. You’re not convincing anyone you have that bandage on your nose because your parrot bit you (I’m talking to you, Tori). These celebrities have faces that are more plastic and stretched out than the Goodyear blimp. Come clean already. It’s Hollywood. Plastic surgery is as common as rehab stints and Hispanic gardeners.

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STARTING NOW:

Stop dangling dream catchers from the rear-view mirror of your car. Native Americans believe they prevent you from having nightmares while you sleep… so unless you’re a vagabond sleeping in your car that happens to be parked on ELM STREET, get rid of ‘em. Who the hell are you, Jewel?

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STARTING NOW:

People who appear on reality cooking shows have to actually have COOKING EXPERIENCE. Most of the contestants on shows like Hells Kitchen and Next Food Network Star have spent less time in the kitchen than a Jewish housewife. Besides, if I wanted advice from someone who didn’t know what the hell they were talking about, I’d turn on Dr. Phil.

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STARTING NOW: week of 7/13/08

Published on: July 15, 2008 – 4:31 pm - Submitted by POPHANGOVER

Starting Now - Pophangover’s version of New Rules with Bill Maher

STARTING NOW:

Enough talk about Angelina Jolie’s babies. Ok, she had her twins yesterday - can the world go on turning again? For the past 7 months, we’ve been on BABY WATCH 08… the entire world’s been focused on her vagina 24 hours a day. Come on, I don’t even think about my OWN vagina that much. Let’s move onto topics that really matter… like Obama: boxers or briefs?

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STARTING NOW:

Butchers need to change their filthy, bloody aprons every once and awhile. The animals are dead when they come in, right? So why the hell do the guys at my grocery store have more blood on their aprons than characters in a Clive Barker movie?

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STARTING NOW:

Websites have to stop asking me to input my birth year before letting me in. I know this is a desperate attempt to prevent underage kids from seeing explicit content, like boobies and beer bottles, but it’s less successful than ABC’s primetime lineup. Like a kid can’t just type in 1972? If you really want to keep kids out, make them answer something they wouldn’t know… like where Mexico is on a map.

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STARTING NOW:

Unless technology significantly improves, no more writing shit in the sky with airplanes. It’s just not working. I can’t tell if it says Captain Morgan, or if it’s an artist’s interpretation of Jennifer Aniston’s tits.

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STARTING NOW:

My town is no longer allowed to employ fat lifeguards. I just saw two fat guys sitting under a lifeguard tower reading magazines and popping food into their mouths. Look, if I have to come over and rescue YOu by heimliching that pork rind out of your throat, something’s wrong in the land of
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STARTING NOW: week of 7/6/08

Published on: July 8, 2008 – 8:10 pm - Submitted by POPHANGOVER

Starting Now - Pophangover’s version of New Rules with Bill Maher

STARTING NOW:
Celebrities like Christina Aguilera and Nicole Richie need to stop claiming that having a baby saved their lives and ended their partying lifestyles. Please. The only thing that’s changed is you’re wiping your baby’s vomit off the floor instead of your own. And that crappy smell in the air? That’s not your career… it’s your baby’s shit.

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STARTING NOW:
Independence Day fireworks should only be lit up on July 4th. There’s no “8 crazy nights” of fireworks. It’s not Hanukkah. So kindly step away from your cheap roman candles - I’m sick of my neighborhood sounding like south central L.A. for the entire first week of July.

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STARTING NOW:
I’d like to do an image search on the internet without a bunch of VAGINAS showing up. Last night I searched for bottled water and got 95 images of a woman spread eagle on a brown couch. I haven’t seen that much Bush in one place since Jenna’s wedding in May.

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STARTING NOW:
No more stuffed animal backpacks. I shouldn’t have to unzip a teddy bear’s asshole to access my Ipod. And besides, there’s nothing creepier than fishing my hand all around an animal’s stomach, like I’m trying to check it for kidney stones. Who the hell do I look like, Dr Michael Baden? This isn’t an episode of Autopsy on HBO. Lets leave the dissection of small animals to sociopaths in Kentucky.

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Talk about it: 2 Comments »

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STARTING NOW: week of 6/30/08

Published on: July 1, 2008 – 3:22 pm - Submitted by POPHANGOVER

STARTING NOW:
No more mohawks on toddlers. Ever since Angelina Jolie introduced Asian sensation Maddox to the country, punk rock hairstyles have been popping up like unwanted chest hair on Mario Lopez. From now on, if I see a mohawk on your head, you better be a heavy drug user in a rock band, or the victim of a tragic accident at Supercuts.

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STARTING NOW:
Wilfred Brimley needs to learn how to properly say the word DIABETES before he’s allowed to film another Liberty Health commercial. If I have to hear him say DIE-UH-BEET-US one more time, I might have to secretly replace his diabetes testing supplies with a cherry fun dip. Take that, type II.

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STARTING NOW:
Stop trying to get me to believe your stupid superstitions. It’s not good luck if a bird shits on me or if it rains on my wedding day… IT JUST SUCKS. And if a black cat crosses my path, it doesn’t mean I’m in for bad luck… it means I’m driving around a neighborhood overpopulated with lonely 40 year old women who are really into Wicca.

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STARTING NOW:
Stop showing the credits at the beginning of a movie. I’ve already sat through commercials, donation pleas, and 7 coming attractions, so can’t we just get to the good shit? I don’t really care about the name of the poor bastard who spent 8 hours a day trying to cover Jude Law’s receding hairline. And if I wanted to know who gripped and rigged Julia Roberts, I’d open the National Enquirer.

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Talk about it: 3 Comments »

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STARTING NOW: week of 6/23/08

Published on: June 24, 2008 – 12:06 pm - Submitted by POPHANGOVER

STARTING NOW:
Rappers need to leave the bootie alone! Every song on the radio has an ass reference these days. Tappin’ it, smackin’ it, hittin’ it from the back, or watchin’ it jiggle. I know you like some junk in the trunk, but come on - I haven’t heard so much about the caboose since the Metro-North Railway strike last year.

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STARTING NOW:
Stop trying to get me to eat dinner at 3 PM so you can save a dollar on the earlybird special. By 6 o’clock I’m just staring into my empty fridge, and by 10 I’m borderline hallucinating. Last night - I thought I saw a hot dog in John Stossel’s mustache.

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STARTING NOW:
Take down the sneeze guards around the salad bars. They’re ridiculous, and they don’t work. I hate to break it to you, but a thin piece of plastic that doesn’t even completely surround the salad is NOT going to protect the roughage from airborne germs. So take the sneeze guard down, and let me use the salad bar in peace without having to perform contortionist maneuvers to access the croutons.

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STARTING NOW:
The Jolly Green Giant needs to wipe that smirk off of his face. I know he’s the king of frozen peas and all, but from where I’m standing, he looks like a Fruit of the Loom reject with a sock stuffed down his fig leaf underwear. The next time I want to see a smiling shirtless guy with painted green, rippling muscles, I’ll check out the Trojan Condom float at the NYC pride parade.

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STARTING NOW:
People aren’t allowed to have so much faith in their fortune cookies. We just shared a nice plate of pepper steak. I only have the next 6 minutes to feel full and satisfied, and I don’t want to spend that time dealing with your bullshit because you received a less then glowing fortune. We’re talking about a COOKIE given to you by an angry Asian who yelled at you when you asked for extra soy sauce… so stop acting like Dionne Warwick just read your palm and told you you’re going to be stalked by Clay Aiken. Get over it!

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Talk about it: 4 Comments »

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STARTING NOW: week of 6/16/08

Published on: June 16, 2008 – 12:04 am - Submitted by POPHANGOVER

STARTING NOW:
The next time a baby stares up at me and smiles, I don’t want the parent to tell me, “Oh he’s flirting with you!” Please. He’s 4 months old. He doesn’t know if I’m an attractive woman, or a fraggle.

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STARTING NOW:
Paula Deen needs to just have a heart attack and get it over with. Sticks of butter… the deep fryer… heavy cream… and that’s just the salad. I haven’t seen that much grease since the time I let Lionel Richie borrow my pillow.

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STARTING NOW:
Ellen Degeneres needs to STOP DANCING. We get it. It might have been funny for the first 2 weeks, but it’s 5 years later, and I’m finding myself sympathizing with the grumpy old townspeople in Footloose. Somebody tell her she’s a middle aged white woman on a daytime talk show - not a backup tour dancer for the Sugarhill Gang. I haven’t seen such bad popping and locking since my Grandmother’s battle with TMJ.

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STARTING NOW:
Stop trying to cure my hiccups! It seems everyone has a cure. Swallow some sugar. Meditate. Hold my breath. Please. It doesn’t work. And just so you know, you’re not scaring me by popping out behind your chair, either. If you really wanna spook me, show me a picture of Helen Hunt’s forehead in a funhouse mirror.

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STARTING NOW:
Enough with the Guinness Book of World Records. The feats used to be interesting and newsworthy, like World’s Tallest Man or World’s Fattest Woman. But now, any moron with an accurate urine stream can earn a spot in the book. If I wanted to see someone eat a record number of Pizza Hut P’Zones, I’d spend a Saturday night with Kirstie Alley.

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Talk about it: 3 Comments »

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STARTING NOW: week of 6/9/08

Published on: June 11, 2008 – 3:44 pm - Submitted by POPHANGOVER

STARTING NOW:
Manufacturers need to stop putting their advertising stickers on everything. It’s out of control! I just bought a laptop that had more stickers on it than a 12 year old’s Trapper Keeper. Bottom line: If I wanted to handle that much sticky residue, I’d change Ron Jeremy’s bed sheets.

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STARTING NOW:
Stop buying houses you can’t afford! This week, Ed McMahon announced the bank is foreclosing on his house, and Evander Holyfield is in financial trouble, too. But come on people… be more careful with your money! I haven’t seen this much fiscal irresponsibility since the Kardashian kids got their first credit card.

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STARTING NOW:
Stop playing the organ at church! It’s creepy, and it just sounds like a CD of Grandpa Munster’s greatest hits. When I hear that organ kick in, I don’t know if it’s time for Eucharist, or if Frankenstein’s being resurrected in the basement.

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STARTING NOW:
Stop putting a HIBISCUS on everything! They’re everywhere, from beach chairs to flip flops to board shorts. I just recently saw a hibiscus on a COP CAR. Last I checked, it wasn’t “To Protect, Serve, and Keep Things Smelling Fresh.” Cops, get the hibiscus decal off your cars… unless you plan on doing the hula with that arsonist you just picked up.

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Talk about it: 2 Comments »

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STARTING NOW: week of 6/2/08

Published on: June 3, 2008 – 4:30 pm - Submitted by POPHANGOVER

STARTING NOW:
If 3 lanes on the highway are closed down for construction, people actually need to be doing some WORK. I’m sick of being stuck in traffic for 2 hours, only to reach the construction site and see a stationary dump truck, a port-o-potty, and 2 fat guys in hard hats sitting on the curb eating a meatball grinder.

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STARTING NOW:
Women in department stores have to stop spraying me with perfume when I walk by. If I wanted to smell that bad, I’d roll around in Amy Winehouse’s dirty laundry.

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STARTING NOW:
Thin people have to stop drinking diet soda. What the hell’s the point. Your legs look like my garden hose, so go ahead and splurge on the 150-calorie soda. Order dip with your celery, too. Live a little.

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STARTING NOW:
Since the American Idol season is over, the media can now stop pretending to give a shit about David Cook. Let him go back to his life as a bartender, cleaning ashtrays and talking to his customers about their venerial diseases… and start reporting on the things that really matter, like who’s bed Shania Twain’s boots have been under.

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STARTING NOW:
People with mullets have to stop acting surprised when they get made fun of. I know you think you’re all business in the front, party in the back, but from where I’m standing, you look like your head is wrapped in remnants from a taxidermist’s trashcan.

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STARTING NOW: week of 5/26/08

Published on: May 27, 2008 – 4:15 pm - Submitted by POPHANGOVER

STARTING NOW:
Stores have to stop charging so much for patio furniture! $800 for a table and chairs? Another $500 for an umbrella and base? Are you crazy?In about 3 hours, this table is going to be covered in beer and ketchup, and my fat neighbor is going to be farting in that sling chair. So just ring the economy model up for me, please.

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STARTING NOW:
Turn down your loud, obnoxious music at the beach. I’d like to get my friend to pass me the tanning oil, without needing Marlee Matlin’s assistance. Bottom line, I’m here to relax. If I wanted to hear all that screaming and moaning, I’d book a room at the Bunny Ranch.

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STARTING NOW:
Will Smith has to stop releasing summer blockbuster movies where he saves the world. I Am Legend, Men in Black 1 and 2, Independence Day, and now in 2008 he’s playing a superhero in the movie HANCOCK. Enough is enough. This is the Fresh Prince of Bel Air we’re talking about; I don’t believe he could open a jar of pickles for me, let alone save humanity. Hey Will, sit back, have a hot dog, and leave the dying hard to Bruce Willis.

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STARTING NOW:
The media has to stop trying to convince me Sarah Jessica Parker is sexy. Her clothes are hideous, her hands looks like an 82 year old womans, and I haven’t seen a face that sunken and disfigured since Michael Jackson’s Thriller video in 1982.

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STARTING NOW:
No more summer weddings! Frankly, no one wants to go to your wedding to begin with, but sitting in a pew next to your overweight aunt Mildred, in a church with no air conditioning and no windows and no fans is UNBEARABLE. Do the world a favor, get married in October. And leave the uncomfortable sweating to the priests on Dateline’s To catch a predator.

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