THE SUCK FILES:
HOSTS SUCK!

RICKI LAKE SUCKS.
I can just picture the living room conversation in the Lake household that ultimately led up to the great modern day tragedy that is the Ricki Lake Show:

Daddy Lake: "Hey honey. Want a show?"

Ricki Lake: (munching on Oreos) "Sure Daddy!!! HEHE HEHE HEHE *snort* HEHEEE!!!!!"

No? Well, then, if her Daddy wasn't responsible, will someone please tell me who gave this talentless, pathetic, miasmal creature a daytime talk show of her very own?

As it is, Ricki Lake has to be one of the most obnoxious people on television. But what exponentially increases her already unbearably high level of annoyingness is that she encourages her audience members to stand up and chant "Go Ricki! Go Ricki!" Have you ever heard such an eardrum shattering - put a pillow over your head and hide - sound in your entire life? I would rather be bound and gagged and forced to listen to John Tesh albums than have to hear a bunch of toothless, ignorant people screaming in praise at Ricki Lake.

Yeah, Go Ricki... just go anywhere but on my television set, you overbearing, talentless, loud, obnoxious, phony twit.


ALEX TREBEK SUCKS.
Years of hosting Jeopardy have CLEARLY gone to Alex Trebek's head.

The man thinks he an overwhelming bank of knowledge on every subject under the sun, be it the Bible, or Shakespeare, or even Nursery Rhymes. Get a load of the way he sarcastically says, "Nooooo, I'm sorrrrrry" to a contestant who is "stupid enough" to offer Sir Alex the wrong answer. He seems to silently scream out, "Are you DUMB? Did your parents drop you when you were an infant? They must have, because you couldn't tell me, within a tenth of a mile, how far L.A. is from the moon."

Alex, here's a tip.... we KNOW the answers are written out on cards in front of you. You're not fooling anyone into thinking you knew all the answers on your own. Please. Like Trebek would be able to offer up the 5 main chemical components of deoxyribonucleic acid?? Like he could recite chapter 32 verse 12 of the Bible verbatim without those damn cards? I surely think NOT.

And what about the way he has to lay on those thick French, Indian, Spanish, or Asian accents the answers call for, like he is some fluent master in every language on this Earth? SAVE IT ALEX. You're a damn gameshow host, not a rocket scientist who dabbles in foreign diplomacy on the side. People need to face the music: Trebek Sucks.

JERRY SPRINGER (REALLY) SUCKS.
Every day, Jerry Springer manages to effortlessly host 60 of the most painful-to-watch minutes on TV. He has single handedly brought daytime talk shows to a new low.

Jerry's guests are the epitome of DISGUSTING. His producers pull every one of them straight from a morning of drinking at a Harley bar, a stripclub, an insane asylum, or from the set of a porno flick. They're classy people, really.

Every day it's the same shit - a staged fight involving some toothless bisexual who just admitted she was cheating on her husband... with another woman. How many times can we see this?

Also... I would really like to know why Jerry dresses in a SUIT AND TIE for the show, like he's going to some important social function? In reality, his job is to babysit, provoke, and taunt people from the bowels of society. Maybe his cheap suits impress people who's idea of a "classy outfit" is the little sequined number they just picked up at K-Mart. I'm not sure.

Jerry's audience members feel the need to randomly stand up, pump their fists a-la-Arsenio Hall, and chant, "JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!" Why? He is the King of Trash. He has thousands idolizing him as if he is about to grant them the gift of eternal life. Only in America.


KATHIE LEE GIFFORD SUCKS.
Everyone hates Kathie Lee, so I'll be brief. Kathie Lee Gifford is an embarrassing stain on the sole of society's shoe. And she sucks. The end.

(...and I swear, I will lose it if I have to see just one more "Kathie Lee Sings Your Christmas Favorites" holiday extravaganza on TV. I once saw a video of a cow giving birth that made noises more pleasing to the ear than Kathie Lee's rendition of "Have A Merry Little Christmas." I'll say no more.)

SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL SUCKS.
Ohh, I HATE this witch with a passion... despise her more than you could even fathom. I'd like to see her old ass attempt to send ME to bootcamp, that's for damn sure.

Have you heard how rudely she speaks to her guests? Do you see the way she belittles them and talks down to them? Who does she think she is! I'll TELL you who she is. She's a wicked old bag with incredibly oversized ugly red glasses who hosts a show that's so lame it should NOT even be on TV.

Sally has the biggest ego in the world. She thinks she is god's gift to talk-shows and will not let anyone express their opinions if they are different from hers (very similar to Ms. Martha Stewart). If someone says something she doesn't agree with, she'll shoot them a look-of-death and make a snotty comment that screams, "I'm SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL. Do you KNOW who you are talking to??"

And please take note of her compassionless attitude, and the way she "tries" to comfort people on her stage (after they've started crying from the probing questions Sally asked them just to get some ratings from TV viewers)...

Sally, screw you and your snobby, uppity, holier-than-thou self... you suck. And you might want to invest in some new glasses. Yours are ugly.

JENNY JONES SUCKS.
Before I start - What's with the Jenny Jones House Band idea? Ahem - IT SUCKS.

Dig your new image Jenny, really.

She's fourtyish but tries (very unsuccessfully) to act like she's twenty-something. Her "I'm-middle-aged but I-try-to-act-like-a-kid" antics are honestly enough to make me want to vomit. Have you seen the 90210-esque barrettes she tries to wear in her hair? Have you noticed the completely barfworthy clothes she wears? Come ON Jenny, please take a look at yourself. You look retarded! I actually watch her show and feel embarrassed for her - for the things that come out of her mouth and for the way she tries to carry herself.

How many times can she do that lame "I used to be U-G-L-Y, now I'm F-L-Y" episode? Snore central.

And honestly, I would let Stevie Wonder at my head with hedgeclippers and some clown makeup before I ever turned myself over to her makeover artists.

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