THE SUCK FILES:
MTV SHOWS SUCK!

SAY WHAT? KARAOKE SUCKS. Say WHAT is right. As if Jennifer Lopez doesn't sound horrid enough trying to hit those high notes while performing "Waiting For Tonight" live, now we're forced to watch some ugly whoreish girl in spandex haul her cellulite-infested ass all over the Say What Karaoke stage as she attempts to carry a tune?? I don't think so. How many more acne-faced, color-coordinated boys do we have to watch perform a lame Backstreet Boys song before this piece of crap show goes off the air? The half-assed, second rate celebrity judges (John Pinkman?? Come on, who the hell is he!) are paid to act excited over the shit they're watching. Meanwhile they're thinking, "You couldn't get my ass on that stage." Mine either. And what about the hosts? How did Dave Holmes even get on MTV? Oh Davey boy. Please refrain from wearing those tight-knit sweaters that so effortlessly hug your tire-esque gut. Those clingy little numbers may work for Rebecca Romijin-Stamos, but we don't think that's QUITE the avenue you should travel down. And Laura Dipshit, err, Lipshitz, doesn't make the viewing experience any more enjoyable. In fact, she makes it 10 times worse. She just stands there in her feather boa, clenching her fists and screaming about, well, nothing at all. That's usually what talentless people do - they make a scene to disguise the fact that they have zero personality. Noname judges, talentless hosts, and talentless guests... now, if that's not a recipe for SUCKAGE, I don't know what is.

FANATIC SUCKS. This show should change it's name to what it really is: "FAN YOU'LL MOST LIKELY FIND HIDING UNDER YOUR BED WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM WORK." Yikes. It's always the same crap with these FANatics: some loser walking nervously into a room, chanting, "Oh, you changed my life! You inspired me to lose weight! You helped me through a hard time!" We have two options here. One, the FANatic is lying just to get their sorry ass on TV, or two, the FANatic is really that sad, pathetic, and obsessed. I believe the latter. Why must all FANatics be so completely scary? Do they have lives outside of their obsession for these people?? Hello, certain things just scream out "unhealthy!" I actually saw an NSYNC FANatic who wouldn't eat mushrooms on her pizza (even though she loved mushrooms) just because she thought Lance didn't like mushrooms. THAT IS PATHETIC. And quite scary. If I were Lance, I wouldn't be excited to meet this person. I'd be quite frightened. And I'd be armed. (Lance, for the love of God, lock your doors.)

TOTAL REQUEST LIVE SUCKS. Let me save all you teeny-boppers some time. Tomorrow on Total Request Live, Britney Spears will hold the #3 spot, Backstreet Boys will still be at #2, and NSYNC will be at #1 for the 6th week in a row. Total Request LIVE? Not really. It's more like Total Request DEAD. Nothing happens on this show, and nothing ever will, because the videos are chosen by the same pre-teen girls who have nothing else to do with their lives other than giggle about boy cooties and vote for videos on MTV. Wow, another boyband at #1! What a shocker. This show is for teenyboppers, people who raise camels, and Carson's mom. It gets old reaaal quick for the rest of us. (Oh NOOOO Limp Bizkit dropped to number 5, THE HORROR!!) I haven't seen this show for months now, but I would bet my house and home that nothing's changed. . .

MTV SPRING BREAK SUCKS. Oh boy. Where do I start. Speaking as a student who has been all over the Caribbean on Spring Break, I can tell you first hand just how badly MTV's Spring Break bites the big one. First of all, what idiot selects the bands that appear? Seriously. I guarantee if you take a stroll through any college dorm anywhere in the U.S. you won't hear 98 Degrees, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, etc, blasting out of a room. So why are they chosen to appear at Spring Break festivities? 99% of those group's fan base are teen girls under 16. 99% of Spring Breakers are college students over 19. It makes no sense. MTV is bullshit, and it is all about the ratings. They want the little girls who are home to watch the Spring Break coverage because their favorite bands are there. Meanwhile, the spring breakers who choose to attend MTV's festivities are forced to hear the same music their little sisters are blasting out of mom's caravan back home. Aside from the music, The MTV spring break shows just suck. At least Pauly Shore stopped hosting them - but instead we're forced to see a tank-top clad Jerry Springer, buried under 6 layers of sunblock, trying to be hip? Ew. I'll have to have my people tell his people it's not working. And hey, MTV, if you can't get decent celebrities to appear as guest judges on your shows, you'd be better off picking random people out of the audience. No one is impressed that you got some noname girl from some lame-assed show to appear. And however did you get Tony Danza to take a break from his hectic collect-call commercial filming schedule to show up? Amazing. Finally, a little advice to all you spring breakers heading out to Cancun for spring break - skip the MTV scene at Fat Tuesdays. It redefines the word LAME. Head right for La Boom, and tell them Jillian sent you. . .

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